Lift With Hatred Merchandise Is Out Now!

Posted on November 3, 2023November 2, 2023 by Mike

This has been a long time coming.

I initially thought of the idea during my earliest days on the social media cesspool that is Instagram. It literally just popped in my head while thinking of hashtags in my earliest posts. Then after a while, I began pondering what the phrase “LIFT WITH HATRED” would look like on a shirt, or even a gym style stringer. I hope to have THAT made one day!

It then was a long, on again-off again process between not knowing my ass from my elbow with design programs and personal shit over the last few years. My favorite was when an old friend, who I’ve mentioned on here three times already and will not name in this article, volunteered his services to help me with a design based on a picture I gave him, only to vanish out of my life without warning. So, I just recently decided to stop waiting around for nothing and just went for it.

If you’re reading this, the Lift with Hatred clothing line is FINALLY available, and you can click here to see the designs I came up with. You’ll see five different variants of the Lift with Hatred slogan available in t-shirt form, along with option of buying pins, hoodies, posters, coasters and even a gym duffel bag! Get a shirt and wear it to the gym for your next Deadlift PR, or even your next concert. Get a pin and put it on your denim vest (the term battle jacket is fucking gay). Get a poster and a tape that shit on your wall over your couch. Spread the fucking word!

Also, I have started a Lift With Hatred IG account. If you buy any merch, make sure to take pictures of yourself wearing my merch, pissing on it, fucking like two dogs on the street over my shirts, setting them ablaze on a dumpster fire, etc, and tag the Lift with Hatred IG account to be featured on the page!

So, here we are. Ask yourself, “Do I have what it takes?” Do you? Do you have what it takes to be real? Are you realistic enough to know that only YOU can change yourself? Do you look in the mirror and hate what you see so much that you’ll do whatever it takes to not be a weak, fat piece of fucking shit? Do you have what it takes to take channel your anger and to give yourself the single most intense bench day you’ve ever had in the gym? Do you have what it takes to proudly be yourself and not give two shits about what anyone else thinks of you?

If you said “yes” to any of this, click here now, and show that you belong…

Municipal Waste – Electrified Brain

Posted on July 19, 2022 by Mike

So, I’m guessing that, minus the band’s 2019 EP, The Last Rager, Municipal Waste have come to the conclusion that the best way to continue to make quality music for the long term is to release new albums every five years. It’s been five years since the release of their second masterpiece, 2017’s Slime And Punishment, and before that it’d been five years since the release of 2012’s Nuclear Blast debut, The Fatal Feast. And with each release there’s some sort of subtle shift in the band’s sound.

The Fatal Feast sounded to me like a traditional Crossover record, which is probably why I wasn’t a fan of it. I’d actually kind of written the band off with that one. Slime… came off as a major breath of fresh air. The songs were short, fast, intense and even introduced a new member – along with guitar solos – for a different dimension. That brings us to Electrified Brain. I just read that, according to guitarist Ryan Waste, his goal this time around was to write a dynamics-based record. I wasn’t sure what he meant by that because you CAN have MORE than enough dynamics in any song regardless of style, length, etc. But now I get it. However, I found Electrified Brain to be more of an album of musical diversity than anything else.

If Electrified Brain really is produced by the band, then they sure did a hell of a job making the record sound unusually slick. I’m talking the head room and reverb found on 95% of everything you’ve ever heard in the 80’s. You hear it in the punch of Dave Witte’s drums right away on the opening title track which comes out the gate like a rampaging fucking bull! It’s fast and HOT until the two-minute mark, where it turns into a traditional Metal headbanger that rides on for the next 45 seconds until the song’s end. It’s immediately followed by the Maiden-like harmonies of “Demoralizer”. It’s a great mid-tempo track that quickly segues into faster territory with a blazing, Mustaine-like solo by Nick Poulos.

Everything sounds….so much bigger. I don’t mean in the same way that everything sounder bigger on the previous album. The guitars AND Tony Forresta’s voice sound like they can truly BREATHE. I’m wondering if that has to do with the way the amps were miked this time around. When Jimmy Page recorded the guitar tracks for Zeppelin’s first album, he remembered that distance equals depth. That’s why he placed the mics relatively far away from the combo amp he used to make the record and wouldn’t you know it, a small sounding amp suddenly sounded far more monolithic in tone. Could that be the approach here?

“Last Crawl” and Grave Dive” seem to fall into a similar formula, the former being faster paced than the latter. And there’s nothing wrong with this because each song has its own character. I’m grateful that a lot of Tony’s lyrics have not changed that much since Waste ‘Em All. “Grave Dive” alone is purely about the allegiance of the band’s longtime fans as he screams “We dig up our fan base/The real ones that count/We’ll bring up their corpses/And toss them all out”. “The Bite” has a little more of my favorite lyrics, as Tony screams “A symphony/Of blended heads/Forced gore/Rotting legs/Skull shards/Springing forth/Bludgeoned with/A spinal chord”.

That song, along with “High Speed Steel” sounds a lot like songs Metallica could’ve written had they recorded Ride the Lighting today. They’re a lot more Thrash in that vein along with some harmonies blended in with the chord changes, something I’d never hear in a Municipal Waste song. Then something happens not to long before this track ends; it transitions from being a Thrash song into sounding a lot like the best Mercyful Fate song they never wrote for Don’t Break the Oath. The gang “whoa” vocals could EASILY be replaced by King Diamond doing the same thing, and Nick’s short solo spot is something Michael Denner probably would’ve played himself! That diversity I spoke about? Here it is.

“Thermonuclear Protection” kicks the album back into a much-needed high gear with its immediate breakneck speed. The more I hear Electrified Brain, the more I wonder how much of an influence Nick Poulos was this time around, especially since he’s been in the band for a while now. Is HE a bigger traditional Metal fan than the others in the band? I fucking LOVE “Blood Vessel-Boat Jail”. It’s a no bullshit, mid-tempo instrumental palm muter until the second half kicks in. It seamlessly transitions between a normal tempo and Dave ripping out blast beats. I fucking shat myself because I had a feeling I wasn’t going to hear that again. Sadly, I was right. The rest of the song had me envisioning the time an old friend of mine jumped off the faux balcony of this loft the band played at in Brooklyn in 2006, forcing Tony to warn people to not jump off it because you can die. This actually happened.

I swear that “Restless and Wicked” is a King Diamond tribute. The first half of the song sounds like a less technical “Welcome Home” from Them before transitioning to break down that comes off as a slightly faster “Curse of The Pharaohs”, the overplayed, yet classic track off Melissa, Mercyful Fate’s debut album. “Ten Cent Beer Night” was NEEDED. It’s CLASSIC Municipal Waste, from its bar fight lyrics to the non-stop speed. No breakdowns into tradition Metal territory here. Minus a few slight nuances, it’s the ‘Waste we all loved in the mid 2000’s. “Putting On Errors”, the penultimate track on Electrified Brain is the most BRUTAL track on the album. Hear that fucking furnace of a voice making Tony sound like a chihuahua? That’s Barney Greenway of Napalm Death. This was more a of a grinder at the end, and Tony couldn’t EVER do that last part justice. Ever.

So how do I feel about Electrified Brain?

After a few listens, both caffeinated while heading to and from the gym and with no caffeine in my system, I’m impressed. I can easily see why one reviewer felt that most tracks blended into each other, as they do follow a similar pattern. But, as I said, I do feel the songs all have their own character. I’m convinced that Nick is the catalyst for the increase in the 80’s Metal influences outside of the Thrash subgenre. I found it to be a treat to hear Municipal Waste step out of that zone and managed to sound good because this experiment could’ve QUICKLY gone South. The only thing I’d hope for, when they release their next album five years from now, as that Ryan and Nick find a good balance between the two styles.

I give Electrified Brain 4 out of 5 middle fingers.

Recommended Tracks: Electrified Brain, Demoralizer, High Speed Steel, Blood Vessel-Boat Jail, Putting On Errors (w/ Barney Greenway)

Random Memories of Trevor

Posted on June 16, 2022June 16, 2022 by Mike

It had to be sometime in early 2003. I was on a bus heading home, and, while I still had probably fifteen more minutes before I reached my destination, I pulled out the latest issue of Revolver Magazine from my backpack. If memory serves me correctly, the magazine included a one-page section highlighting recommended up-and-coming bands. There were three bands, one definitely was Himsa (fucking absolute vomit!), and the only other band I remembered was some band called The Black Dahlia Murder, whose music the magazine categorized as “Megadeth Metal”.

That’s not a joke.

Time would go on and a whole year and a half would pass before I finally came across Unhallowed, The Black Dahlia Murder’s 2003 debut album, probably in Sam Goody. I remember that this was also the same day that I bought the very denim jacket that I’d cut the sleeves off of to make a vest out of.

Unrelated note: Don’t ever use the term “Battle Jacket” to describe your denim vest with patches and buttons and spikes on it. Or go ahead and do so and be as retarded as everyone else that uses the fucking stupid term.

Anyway, my dad drove me home, as I still didn’t have a car yet. I opened up Unhallowed and looked at the cover. What’s in a name? What’s in a cover image? In the early days of mp3 downloading and, with a whole decade to go before Spotify existed, I still bought CDs, and still do so to this day. Therefore, the only way to find out what any band sounded like, was to either download a track or two, or to simply BUY the album. I popped the album into my five-disc changer and the following two tracks fucked me up.

The music in this video is actually the opening instrumental title track to the record and it breaks right into “Funeral Thirst”, so it made sense to just post the video instead of two separate links of any kind.

Either way, upon hearing those two tracks now I remember EXACTLY what stood out to me those most. The music alone was not just balls-out heavy, but those minor chord harmonies happened to make me feel every single negative emotion I ever knew or felt in my entire life. I wanted to cry, I wanted to die, I wanted to choke anyone I could get my hands on. It was hopeless. It was beautiful.

Then I heard that fucking voice. It was like nothing I had heard at the time. It was a hell of a lot more screetchy than most Death Metal bands I’d heard, with the sole exception of Chuck’s vocals on The Sound of Perseverance, Death’s last record. He hit the traditional guttural style as well and I realized that he was using the two styles for the sake of a dynamic that was not there at the time. It changed things up in all the songs and it fucking made things far more exciting.

Clearly whoever described this band as “Megadeth Metal” in Revolver Magazine a year earlier must’ve been either high or just absolutely clueless. The Black Dahlia Murder, especially as made evident in their latter-day releases were more like the greatest Carcass disciples you’ve ever heard!

This was just the beginning of a long ride for the band for the better part of two decades, two decades that would especially see Trevor Strnad standout among the traditional Death Metal frontman stereotype. As serious as he was in the video posted above, his sense of fun and humor would become FAR more prevalent not just in the videos the band would make in the coming years, but in his persona onstage. The best thing about it all was Trevor manage to balance this act out to the point that his goofiness NEVER took away from the band’s or his onstage intensity. He never took himself seriously and that connected with all of us because we knew it was genuine.

But to be clear, his lyrics were as Death Metal, and as brutal as it got. He’s a line or two from “Christ Deformed”, one of my ALL TIME favorite TBDM tracks:

Diabolic ritual open the portal to damnation
Dark legions gathering for virtuous insemination
Molest and sodomize deride the seed of god’s creation
Impale the Nazarene succumb to a spiritual inversion

In our unholy father’s disgusting house of shame
We revel in endless hatred burning so absolute
Corrupting all who’d enter here surrender to darkness
We kneel to those no more who’d burden and beguilt

Within these wretched walls a summoning proceeds
What form will manifest of this abysmal devilry
The children now are bleeding, we eunuchate his sons
To evil blood and fire this earth will soon succumb
With hell reborn
Your Christ be scorned
Dead faith now torn
His love deformed

That’s why I intentionally waited before I wrote this piece. It was hard to let sink in, that not only is Trevor gone, but to think about how it just might’ve happened. But much like with my tribute to Chris Cornell, I will NOT discuss what happened. Enough people have written about that, and we still haven’t a clue as to the whole story. But I, like most fans of The Black Dahlia Murder, have memories of meeting Trevor and even talking with him at length. Things like this, along with his ability to ACTUALLY HAVE FUN are truly why he’s the single most important Death Metal frontman in DECADES. While my memories aren’t as amazing as others, they meant something to me then, and they without question mean something to me now. So, I’ll share them.

It was the summer of 2006, and I traveled with two friends (one of which eventually got what was coming to him via a heart attack) to the Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, NJ for the Sounds of The Underground Tour, which included The Black Dahlia Murder, GWAR, Behemoth (and you bet your ass I met Nergal on this day!) and several others. I walked by TBDM’s merch table when I noticed a tall, flabby looking guy with a tattoo that read “HEARTBURN” across his belly. It was Trevor. I walked up to him and introduced myself when he replied, “talk a walk with me for a second”.

“Do me a favor, will ya?”, he asked me, as we walked. “We’re shooting a video for “Statutory Ape” today, and I need you and everybody else in that crowd to go fuckin’ crazy. Can you do that for me?” “Fuck yeah!” I immediately said. Hours later, the band walked on stage and Trevor immediately called out the entire crowd “C’MON YOU PUSSIES!!!!”, as they grinded out “I’m Charming” off Miasma, the same record that includes “Statutory Ape”. Sorry to say that no, I wasn’t crazy enough to be a part of that pit, but once Trevor called them out all bets were off.

My last memory didn’t involve a request to sacrifice myself in the pit, no. I traveled to the now defunct B.B. King’s in Times Square, New York Shitty (I said what I said), to see TBDM along with Hate Eternal and 3 inches Of Blood in January 2008. There might have been one other band on the bill, but I forgot who it was. Anyway, my friends and I arrived at B.B.’s and almost immediately I spotted Trevor at the bar. He looked a lot like he did two years prior, funny looking shorts, topless, hair all disheveled. I walked up to him again and he laughed as we reminisced over our previous meeting.

We parted ways after that, and he eventually found his way backstage. But what I always remembered about both those times was that he made himself accessible. It’s a story we’d ALL go on to hear about him over the years. He always hung out with the fans. Upon moving to Brooklyn (and I’ve to this day no idea why he’d do that to himself!), he apparently hung out at St. Vitus on the regular and would support the local bands and talk with everybody there. He even wrote a column for Metal Injection where he’d recommend underground Extreme Metal bands.

I don’t know many other frontmen of legend status like Trevor’s who’d do all those things. We might not ever completely know what happened to the charismatic (that word doesn’t even do it justice!) frontman of THE single most important Death Metal band of this century so far. But he left an UNDENIABLE mark that can never be removed. There will never be another frontman as genuine as Trevor Strnad.

RIP Trevor Strnad 1981 – 2022

Don’t Be Like Your Parents, Asshole!

Posted on May 13, 2021April 22, 2023 by Mike

Are you on the cesspool that is social media? Are you somewhere between your thirties and at least close to 50? If you answered “yes” to either of these, are you posting gay ass memes like this on your Instagram or Facebook?

Or maybe this?

900+ Getting Old ideas in 2021 | getting old, bones funny, funny quotes

Or perhaps even this dumb shit?

If this is you (and it probably is) then congratulations on doing the one thing you weren’t supposed to do: you became your parents! And in doing so you have officially failed at life. It’s funny that I, of all people, am talking about living. I hate living. But you fucks are just pathetic.

What happened? Settled down with someone who never knew how to live in the first place and you simply assimilated to please him or her? Never lived a healthy lifestyle (more than likely!)? Hanging around the wrong morons (also a high probability)?

You are supposed to be BETTER than your parents. You’re not better than them if you go around bragging that you’re bald, fat, achy, or that your favorite shitty high school jam was on the oldies station. It’s not funny, it sure isn’t cute. It never was. I’ve fucked women older than you who STILL have the energy and drive (especially the sex drive!) people your age are supposed to have. My psychotic, openly depressed, nearly 72 year old mother has more drive than you and she broke her ankle last year. My 66 year old dad, who has sustained MULTIPLE Powerlifting and labor related injuries is STILL strong as a bull and STILL tries to have a life when he’s not working long ass shifts at a job he’d rather not be in.

So if they can still go out there and LIVE, then I fail to see what the fuck your deal is. Is your lower back hurting? Get off your ass. Literally. Stop sitting down. Your glutes are weak and they’re pulling on your lower back. So exercise and strengthen those areas. Fuck I’ll even help you a bit and give you a few options!

Back Extensions (my go-to for a long time. Add a mini resistance band to increase force production.)
Glute Bridges (elevate your feet as much as possible)
Reverse Hyperextension (my current go-to before I do ANYTHING else)
The McGill Big 3

In an unrelated note I highly recommend low back strengthening for you women with big titties. You’ve no idea how annoying you are when I hear you say “they’re hurting my back! I think I want to get a reduction!” Fuck that and you! Just get some muscle and let us enjoy those beautiful fun bags.

Does sleeping in a awkward position hurt you like in a meme I posted above? Simple solution: stop sleeping like that and learn how to properly sleep! What a concept! There is a right way and a wrong way to sleep. Referring again to the lower back: when you sleep on your back, for example, your lumbar spine is not resting on the mattress, especially if you have a big ass like I, because it’s being put into a state of involuntary hyperextension. Therefore, you’re spending up to eight hours adding stress to an already stressed out lower back. For the last several years I’ve been placing pillows underneath my knees when I sleep and now I feel no pain because the lumbar spine is able to relax.

Knees hurt? Unless you’ve sustained a major injury, that too can be fixed. The book Becoming A Supple Leopard offers COUNTLESS ways to fix painful knees, one of which I put to great use in late 2019. Getting fat? Developing the dad bod? Stop eating like shit and get off your ass! I have two cousins in law who were fat probably long before I ever knew them. Upon seeing them both for the first time in twelve years at my brother’s funeral in 2019 it was obvious that they were looking worse. Why? Because they don’t care. So when they go next I’m not even going to question what happened?

This may seem ignorant, one track minded and chauvinistic. It’s not. If this triggers you or pisses you off it simply tells me you’re the loser I’m targeting. All you need to do is eat right, learn how to exercise, learn how to get strong, and learn how to THINK FOR YOUR FUCKING SELVES. As negative as I usually am, guess what – there’s still hope. Guys, eat healthy, eat less, get rid of the gay ass dad bod and try to at least squat your bodyweight. Ladies and especially you moms, I’m sure getting rid of that pooch may be difficult. I’m not here for that. But you can also eat healthy, eat less, lift weights and for fucks sake get rid of that fucking retarded mom/Karen haircut and revive the sexiness I know is in you. Yes, long hair is not only youthful, it’s sexy as can be.

You still have time. Knock it off with the stupid age memes and learn how to be BETTER than your parents. Get into shape because they couldn’t or wouldn’t, and don’t just wait until you’re divorced and too scared to be alone either. It’s over for your parents (well, most of them anyway), it doesn’t have to be for you. Unless you want it to.

Random Thoughts

Posted on November 21, 2019November 24, 2019 by Mike

All Hail The Race Card!

I’m so disinterested in the things rich celebrities say or do that I had no clue who the fuck Lisa Marie Falcone, with her surgically implanted cheeks…or her piano playing pig, even was until last week. I also learned that her style of entitlement and ignorance apparently isn’t just for white people anymore either. Long story boring, her billionaire dipshit husband, Phil Falcone is facing a lawsuit for unpaid wages by former employee, chef Brian Villanueva.

But wait! Here’s the fun part. According to Villanueva, here’s what Lisa Maria Falcone had to say about his girlfriend, also a chef, during a dinner party which included Lisa’s supposed best friend Alicia Keys and her husband Swizz Beatz: “Your girlfriend speaks very well. She seems educated. I would describe her as a chocolate-covered marshmallow”. When asked what the fuck that meant, an arrogant Falcone told Villanueva: “Alicia (Keys) doesn’t speak that way. She didn’t have an education and was just discovered by (record producer) Clive Davis when she was 15 years old. Swizz (Beatz) definitely doesn’t speak that way either.”

Oh, did you think we were finished? When Falcone finally took notice that her chef just…maybe…was a tad offended, she continued by asking Villanueva: “Do you use the word ‘n—a’ at home with your girlfriend? I’m Puerto Rican and grew up in Spanish Harlem so I can speak like that. You’re not ethnic like black people and Puerto Rican people. You’re only a minority. Talk to my black friends. They will tell you that I am not racist.”

So many things I can say here and so little time.

The Race Card. Such a classic way to justify ignorance, especially with celebrities and rich folk. Former Alabama Governor George Wallace, who once claimed: “In the name of the greatest people that have ever trod this earth, I draw the line in the dust and toss the gauntlet before the feet of tyranny, and I say segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever.”, had the nerve decades later to say in a 2000 documentary on his life that he wasn’t racist and tried to justify it by bring out an elderly black man and saying this man was his best friend.

No, dickhead. No.

Knowing, or being close friends with one or two people who happen to be of a different ethnicity to you can never justify calling out his/her race in any way. My oldest friend of thirty years, and literally THE best friend I ever had, is black. But I also know that if I were to go off on some crazy racist tirade and justify it by saying that my oldest friend is black, he still wouldn’t think twice of putting the kibosh on what we have. Because he’s not stupid. And in that same side of things, Lisa Marie Falcone, you ignorant, spoiled cunt, being a Puerto Rican from Spanish Harlem doesn’t justify you singling out anyone – especially when there’s so much money to be taken from you when you – and especially your tax dodging husband – keep fucking up. Go you! Jackass!

The Politics Of Hypocrisy

“I always believed that leadership involves listening and reading and respecting diverse viewpoints and acknowledging when you didn’t get them right. Over time, I’ve come to understand something that I long struggled to admit to myself: I got something important wrong. I got something important really wrong.

I didn’t understand that back then the full impact that stops were having on the black and Latino communities. I was totally focused on saving lives. But, as we know, good intentions aren’t good enough.

Now, hindsight is 20/20. But, as crime continued to come down as we reduced stops, and as it continued to come down during the next administration, to its credit, I now see that we could and should have acted sooner, and acted faster, to cut the stops. I wish we had and I’m sorry that we didn’t. But I can’t change history. However, today, I want you to know that I realize back then I was wrong and I’m sorry.”

These were former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s words regarding the Stop And Frisk policy just a few days ago.

I’m not one to ever discuss politics on this blog, or ever, really. And I won’t even get into it now. But let’s talk about why he’s even apologizing. Does he truly mean it? Let’s see…now’s the time to get on the band wagon with every other Democrat hoping to be the next year’s Presidential front runner so….I’m going to go with hell fuck no! For those of you not in the know, Bloomberg, a life long Democrat switch sides just so he could run for office.

On the outside his views could switch at the drop of a hat. But on the inside it was different. As a native New Yorker, and a city worker, I won’t hesitate to say he spent way too much time micro managing the city as if it was his famous corporation. Also, I directly blame him for the gentrification of the city post 9/11, causing rent to increase across the board, ultimately marking the beginning of the gradual demise of most mom and pop businesses in the city, and also forcing tenants out of their homes and on to the streets.

So with that in mind, is he really sorry that his take on crime and punishment might just be what caused the rift between minority groups and the NYPD, a rift that’s just as strong today as it was when Stop And Frisk was in effect? Or is the businessman in him just looking to get that much coveted minority vote? Me? I’d say some snakes just never change their stripes. Politics. The fun just never stops.

My Makeshift Email To My Hypothetical Employees

To anyone who might be new to this site, I work full time in education. Quite a trip. For every few students that will work their hardest and always make you smile, there’ll always be that one psycho trying to stab you with a pencil. Or worse!

So, I receive e-mails from my school’s Assistant Principal every Sunday morning. Here’s an example of her introductory paragraph:

“Happy Sunday all. I hope that you are enjoying your weekend. I had to go out of town this weekend so as I am in the passenger side of the car, riding, I am thinking about what happened this week at work, the mounds of paperwork that need to be done, and what I need to get for Thanksgiving and suddenly, I just look out the window. We are driving over a bridge and I am just staring out the window intently. My husband looks over at me and says, “I know that look, you have an idea”. And I say, “this bridge has me thinking of P.S. ##(don’t think for a second I was going to let you fuckers know where I work!)”. Have you looked at the characteristics of a bridge. They have barriers on both sides for your protection. It serves as a means to get to the other side.”…and so on and so forth, blah blah blah…

I like my Assistant Principal a lot. I really do. But let’s face it, this shit is as phony as it gets. I totally understand what she’s trying to achieve with this dribble. But does she really expect us to believe she was looking at a bridge, or watching some TV show, or playing some sport and was suddenly inspired to find a correlation between that and the school? Fuck no!

But it led me think about what I’d do if I was in her position and wanted to stay close with my hypothetical staff. Would I write a weekly blog like this? And if I did, what the fuck would I do to at least try to keep it real? I wonder…

Good Morning! I hope everyone did something this weekend to improve their overall mental and emotional health in order to begin yet another productive, fulfilling week here. Let’s be real, that could be a lot of things. And so long as I don’t see it, I could give two fucks what you do. Do you drink a fifth of vodka on a Friday night and pick a fight with a random stranger? Pick up a few hookers to relieve some…tension? Attend some “parties”? Perhaps you punch a few walls in your garage? Who cares? If it makes you feel fresh and recharged by the time you come back here on Monday morning, as the famous, decades old Nike slogan says – just do it!

So, my own weekend wasn’t so exciting. Ran out of beer and was too lazy (and exhausted from dealing with all of your students since no one seems to be able to handle them!) to go out and get more, wasn’t able to hit that 400lb squat in the gym and BOTH my fuck buddies were sick. What the fuck are the chances of THAT happening? So, with nowhere else to turn to, I broke out the laptop and watched an old clip from the favorites section of my YouPorn account! In a clip entitled “Man, His Wife, And The Babysitter”, the wife walks in on his husband….well…getting sucked off by the babysitter. Well, duh!

Long story boring, the wife decides to take control of the situation by forcing the now guilt stricken babysitter to continue sucking her husband off, ultimately taking turns fucking this guy that, in any REAL situation would never be this lucky. And of course, wifey, the betrayal still fresh in her mind, waits until he’s good and spent before declaring “I want a divorce!”, as she storms out of her soon to be ex’s office.

This whole situation got me to thinking of our school, its trials and tribulations, its many ups and downs (no not THOSE ups and downs!),who’s backstabbing and betraying who, and feelings among each other as a staff and as a family. You don’t need to be told that we won’t always agree with each other’s ideas and approaches on helping our students succeed. In fact, I’m almost positive some of you ICT teachers in particular are ready to just KILL each other after ten months of conflicting personalities, approaches, intrusions such as teacher assistants and cluster teachers changing preps on you. But if three people can have super hot sex in the most awkward of times, with the older wife showing the younger, greener babysitter how it’s done, then I fail to see how we as a staff cannot get through the most awkward of moments by simply taking the raw emotion out of a situation.

For ten months out of the year we need to set an example to these impressionable, young scholars. What example do you think we set if we fight in front of them? What sense of authority or even stability are we providing if, for 6 and a half measly hours per day, we can’t keep it together? Of course, this is not to say break out into having sex if you have to show your co-teacher “how it’s done”…but if you do just make sure it’s in a closet somewhere and take pictures! 😉 It’s time for me to go clean myself off. But I’ll leave you with this before I go: just ride it out until June and on that last day, in the same way that pissed off wife declared she wanted a divorce, you can tell you co-teacher to go fuck him/herself and ride off into the sunset until September…only to begin the whole process all over again. See you all tomorrow!

Respectfully Yours,

Your Angry Metalhead Principal

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Lift With Hatred: The Workout – Part 2

Posted on September 16, 2019September 15, 2019 by Mike

In part 1 I discussed our training “philosophy” along with my warmup routine. So here’s what you’ve all waited for! I decided to provide not one, but TWO templates for you to choose from. These are full body routines, because the body needs as much volume as possible, especially when you’re just starting. Constant stimulation is also CRUCIAL for rapid growth.

The basis for both of these templates are made up of the Squat, Bench Press, Deadlift and Overhead Press. All classic beginner routines are comprised of these moves because they’re compound lifts, meaning they work more than “just” one body part. But make no mistake, I’m not here to explain the kinesiology of every lift. You can go on plenty of sites for that shit. Remember, make sure you warm up before doing ANYTHING else and, if you have a mini resistance band, take that with you. So, with that being said, and because I wanted to make a Metal themed routine for building a strength foundation, here’s Template A and B of Lift With Hatred: The Sabbath Years.

Template A

Back Extensions – 3 x 10 or 3 x 20 (with resistance band)

Squat – 4 x 4-6 or 1 x 20 depending on your goals (preceded by resistance band shoulder warmup)

Bench Press – 4 x 4-6 (preceded by resistance band shoulder warmup and/or set of chin ups to failure)

Chinups – 4 x failure (you can also superset these with the Bench Press to save time)

Overhead Press – 4 x 4 – 6

Deadlift – 1 x 5

Template B

This is an alternating A-B-A/B-A-B style routine.

Workout A

Back Extensions – 3×10 or 3×20

Squat – 3 x 15

Bench Press – 3 x 15

Deadlift – 3 x 15

Workout B

Back Extensions – 3 x 10 or 3 x 20

Dumbbell Lunge – 3 x 15

Overhead Press – 3 x 15

Bent Over Row – 3 x 15

Explanation

This is as basic and primitive as it gets, much like the first few Black Sabbath records (especially Master Of Reality!). They’re equally as brutal as they are simple as time progresses. Same shit with these exercises. It’s going to be beyond GED simple at first. But the workouts will become difficult as the intensity increases. It’s just up to you to figure out if you can handle it after a while.

Sets And Reps

This shit varies depending on the template. For Template A I wanted you to be able to get in more sets for the sake of more stimulation. In most proven strength routines, more than three sets are usually prescribed. More sets equals more volume, which makes for more stimulation throughout the body. Just because some doctor prescribed three sets per exercise back in the 30’s doesn’t mean you have to just perform three sets. Also, I suggested a set 20 for the Squat as an option for you younger kids reading this. I took the idea from Stuart McRobert’s book Brawn. Stuart speaks about the classic 20 Rep Squat routine which is beyond simple, yet beyond BRUTAL on your legs. But your legs will be huge. Trust me.

Template B offers a more size oriented approach, bringing in dumbbells for one exercise, which will absolutely force more muscle fibers to be used to stimulate more growth. That’s also why the reps are increased here. It’s for this reason that this template offers more of a variety. In fact, the alternating days gives you a chance to use an extra day to recover from the power moves while focusing on more size oriented moves, and vice versa. I wrote a modified version of this template for my first client and he was a believer in full body training after a few weeks.

Duration

Template A is a three month cycle that’s to be trained three times a week, like most strength routines. Both of these routines call for a linear progression, meaning the weights will be increased every week. So make sure to increase the poundage accordingly. I’d say increase the lower body poundages by 10lbs for the Squat and 10 – 20lbs for the Deadlift. Increase the upper body poundages by 5lbs or even 2.5lbs.

For Template B, the recommended poundage increases are the same. But the difference here is this is just Phase One of what will be four phases. Which each phase comes a decrease in the amount of reps per set and, by Phase Four, the sets will increase to order to bring up the volume. If you like this let me know and I’ll write up the other three phases.

Training Tips

Back Extensions

1557628650673 — *Look at the ass on him!*

You might notice that I started every routine with this. Many of you might ask “…but Angry Metalhead, why can’t I do this as an accessory move like everyone else??” Simple, because we’re not training to be like everyone else you asshole! Not only that, but because, as I learned from reading up on Reg Park, training the lower back while it’s fresh loosens and strengthens it. Everyone forgets that training the lower back is as much of Core training as training your abs is.

And as I found out, a strong lower back makes for a much stronger Squat and Deadlift. But hey what the fuck do I know, I just know I once was able to deadlift 380lbs without a belt for a reason. After you get used to the exercise, you can add a mini resistance band to add tension. After that you can also add weight. Or, if you’re pressed for time you can simply just use the mini band and add ten extra reps per set.

One more thing. Guys, make sure you adjust yourself before you perform this move. Take it from me, there’s no feeling more annoying than that of crushing your own balls because you didn’t fix yourself up on the station. Your woman or man or whatever needs you to have healthy nuts guys!

Hip Drive!

Did you really thing that Squats and Deadlift just required strong legs? Fuck no, it’s all about that Hip Drive, as Mark Rippetoe says. All Hip Hinge moves, like the Squat , Deadlift, Back Extensions, etc., require the hips to start AND finish the move. Strong hips make for big numbers. Strong hips also carry over into other aspects of life too. Guys, you want to be absolute fuck machine with your wife/girlfriend/baby mamma/one night stand? Use those hips. Ladies, wanna be a fuck machine and show your husband/boyfriend/baby daddy/one night stand that you can keep up with the thrusting? Use your hips!

Grip Strength

I saved the best for last because I wanted to send a clear message to all of you reading this. I spoke on two separate occasions about grip strength, and the importance of not wearing gloves while performing any exercise or program. Fuck, I even provided a real life depiction of what you look like when you wear gloves in my last article! Gloves do provide protection…but it’s still lamer than wearing a rubber. At least with a rubber you’re trying to avoiding something that might not be wanted right now!

So, to further add to my argument as to why you should NEVER wear gloves to the gym, ladies and germs, meet Sparkles!

Sparkles is a cross dressing manicurist who underwent TWO gender reassignments (he’s very confused). He’s great at bedazzling your nails. His ass looks nice in round in a dress. As you can see in the last picture, he’ll also hold your newborn, mixed race baby! Wanna know what Sparkles can’t do? He can’t deadlift worth a shit. Why? It ain’t from the lack of testosterone in his body – it’s because he wears gloves to the gym.

If you want to see how Sparkles fares trying to pull a measly 145lbs, click on the video above!

This is my vision of you, yes YOU. When I see you wearing gloves I see Sparkles. I see a guy with absolutely no desire whatsoever to be stronger than he or even she knows. I see someone with no desire to to be anything other than average, I could give two shits about how much muscle you have. I didn’t pull more than double my bodyweight because I wore gloves. Don’t be average. Don’t be Sparkles.

Post workout stretching in the next installment.

Lift With Hatred Part 1:

https://metalheadconfessions.com/2019/07/30/lift-with-hatred-the-workout-part-1/

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Lift With Hatred: The Workout – Part 1

Posted on July 30, 2019July 29, 2019 by Mike

I’ve been talking about this for a year. My own training template for beginning lifters, an easy, basic, bullshit free style, thoughtfully put together through many sources plus my experience both as a personal trainer as well as someone who once struggled to the point that all seemed hopeless. Training, regardless of your goals, is much more of a cerebral game than most newbies would realize.

You have to learn the art of Autoregulation, listening to your body to realize what kind of stimuli it will and won’t respond to in terms of exercises and reps and sets and all that bullshit. Speaking of bullshit, be ready to have have all sorts of advice thrown your way by both the ones who actually look like they lift and especially the ones who look more like they just took some program off Bodybuilding.com without doing any real research and just began “working out” a few weeks ago. They’re hilarious! But more important than either of those, is the development of your mental toughness.

The lifts you’ll be performing will be simple, but brutal after a while. You’ll be repeating a lot of these almost every workout and you’ll get bored. You can either just give up because you can’t take the repetition, or you can suck it up, follow the program to the T and reap the rewards later. Yeah, I’m an angry asshole – and lack of patience usually comes with being angry! But I at least understand that Rome wasn’t built in a day either. But hey, what the fuck do I know? I only Deadlift more than double my bodyweight.

Training Philosophy

Why do we Lift With Hatred? What’s your daily life like? Kids? Nagging wife/girlfriend/baby mama? Nagging husband/boyfriend/baby daddy? Feeling disrespected by your boss? Colleagues? Random pieces of shit on the streets who need to be put in their place? They all have one thing in common: it all can get to your head.

Lift With Hatred isn’t “just” some fucking saying I came up with to look awesome. It’s cerebral. It’s emotion. It’s taking all the negativity that you endure throughout your day, and channeling it into something badass, like hitting a squat PR with everything you have. Let’s face it, I’d love to beat the shit out of one or two of my “colleagues” at work…as well as several “family” members; but I also know that I’m not in the mood to go to jail right now.

Lift With Hatred is a way of life. So how exactly do we Lift With Hatred? You look deep into your mind; think about one person who always does you wrong, or your significant other who cheated on you, or that random shithead on the streets you said the wrong thing. Take those feelings of wanting to beat them to the point of near death (the movie Bugsy comes to mind!), and take it out on those weights. Why? Because a powerful physique is far more beneficial than a rap sheet!

The Do’s and Don’ts Of What You’ll Need

I delved into this a little bit in an article called Lift With Hatred: Stupid Shit In The Gym. But here’s is small, ridiculously simple list of what you’ll need to start off – and it’s not much – along with what you definitely won’t need.

Need

Shoes With A Flat Sole

This is often recommended by a lot of reputable coaches and for good reason. In as simple of an explanation as possible, you want to always be able to “split the ground”, or push down against the floor, when performing any compound move. You can’t do that if your shoes don’t allow you feet to be completely on the floor. So most sneakers are out of the question. A flat sole usually provides a bit more traction and allows you to use your posterior chain more, which is crucial for most strength based routines. If you’ve been squatting for a while in sneakers, I guarantee you’ll quickly find out how strong your squat really is once you switch over. I switched over in 2010 and I couldn’t believe how weak I really was (see the Chuck Taylors above!)! There’s also the possibility of tipping over during a heavy squat or deadlift. So you can take my word for it or not. Up to you. Just don’t tell me I didn’t warn you. Recommendations include but are not limited to: Converse Chuck Taylor hi tops, Otomix or Adidas Wrestling Shoes. Don’t worry about getting Adidas Powerlifts, Do-Wins, or anything with a heel until it’s absolutely necessary.

Mini Resistance Bands

Resistance bands in short are fucking amazing. These bands were popularized by those sadistic lunatics over at Westside Barbell long ago, and now everyone and their mother uses them. Why? Constant tension. Advanced and elite level lifters use them at multiple sizes to add weighted tension to lighter percentages of their maxes, because more tension will force you to work faster. Remember, speed is one of the two components of power. But you’ll be using these as a quick warm up for your rear delts before every workout because they’re not only conveniently small enough to carry, but because not every gym has a dowel rod available for a move like Shoulder Dislocations. So for that reason, just order a mini band.

Foam Roller

I first read about foam rollers more than a decade ago in a Men’s Health workout guide that’s I’m pretty sure I still have somewhere; but I’m pretty sure it was Muscle And Fitness that called it “The Poor Man’s Massage”. And it is. It’s also a great way to open up the muscles at the beginning of your warm-up. Does your job require you to sit all day long? You’re hips, lats, pectorals and front delts are probably tighter than your fifteen year old sister, and you’ll know where those tender spots are when you find it. You’ll be yelling “hurts so good!” like the closet submissive that you are in no time!

Lacrosse Ball

Use a Lacrosse ball to massage areas that you might not be able to successfully hit with a foam roller, such as you piriformis and especially your feet.

Don’t Need

Any Kind Of Lifting Belt

Go ahead and tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. Done? Feel better? Great – now go suck me! Now that that’s out of the way…you’re reading this correctly. If you’re just starting ANY routine, you do NOT need a belt of any kind. The purpose of a belt is to provide you with something to push your abs into, allowing the abs to achieve an even harder contraction. But unless you’re squatting or deadlifting more than you weigh, focus on developing your “natural belt”, aka your abs. At one point you’ll need one, but for this beginner’s routine I wouldn’t worry about it.

Almost Every Supplement Out There

Here’s another thing that’ll have people telling me I know nothing. They can still go suck me. Not including protein powder, there’s no need to spend your money on any kind of preworkout, creatine monohydrate, or fat burners. I’m not saying they don’t have they’re place; but if you’re new to training and are thin, you need to eat as if you’re one of the fat slobs slowly marching toward death’s door in Supersize Me, clearly rendering fat burners useless here ((although they don’t really do much at all!). In terms of preworkout, there’s no real need for that much caffeine if you’re just starting with an empty bar. Creatine Monohydrate is arguably the single safest supplement out there, especially in it’s powdered form (which is cheaper yet way more effective than it’s pill form). It retains water in the muscles. Sodium does the same shit. But if you want to use Creatine, I’d recommend at least seeing what kind of muscular foundation you can build without it on your own first. Otherwise, you could just take a tablespoon of sea salt and mix that in a gallon of water.

Gloves

An actual depiction of what you look like when you wear gloves to the gym.

Gloves: GAY. I definitely when on a tirade regarding gloves in the article I mentioned above. But to be short: DO NOT WEAR FUCKING GLOVES. Unless you have nerve damage you don’t need them. Gloves provide a layer between your hands and the bar. Sounds like protection, and it is. But your grip strength won’t develop and it needs to in order for this or any REAL program to work. One of my clients recently bitched when he realized he was developing calluses on his hands, saying when he touched his wife he wanted smooth hands for her. Yeah? You know what your wife would appreciate more? Man hands! So do yourself a favor and ditch the gloves. Actually no…BURN THEM. Or go get a sex change and start calling yourself Sparkles while singing along to this:

The Warm-Up

Here’s a simple warm-up that should take a least ten minutes once you get the hang of everything. For this you’ll need your foam roller and your mini resistance band. Some of the moves you’ll see here I’ve taken from either books I’ve read over the years or things I’ve learned recently. Some of this is taken from the DeFranco Agile 8 (I’ll leave a link below).

Start off by foam rolling your entire body. As I mentioned earlier, some of you might have jobs that require sitting all day. So some of the key joints and limbs here might be real tight. That’s why it’s important to hit EVERYTHING, not just your shoulders, legs and hips. Foam roll your piriformis (or use a lacrosse ball), your pecs, even your biceps (they’re connected to your shoulders after all).
Dynamic Warm-up. Remember when your elementary school gym teacher made you do shit like jumping jacks and jogging in place before actually doing anything? Well they were on to something. Dynamic movements help loosen your muscles, as well as increase your heart rate. Never EVER perform static stretches before working out. Stretching a cold muscle could possibly lead to an injury. This warm-up includes body only movements along with resistance band movements for the rear delts:

Body Only

Side Planks: 20 – 30 seconds per side

Leg Swings: 10 – 15 swings per leg (make sure you feel the stretch in both your quads and your hamstrings depending on the direction)

Groiners: ten reps altogether.

With A Mini Resistance Band

Band Pull Aparts: 8 – 12 reps above the nipple line, followed by 8 – 12 reps below the nipple line (where you’d position the bar for the Bench Press); Banded Shoulder Dislocations: 8 – 12 reps; Band Face Pull With External Rotation: 8 – 12 reps. When I say external rotation, I simply mean that instead of finishing the movement with your fists facing in front of you and over your head, they instead will be facing you as if you’re flexing your biceps, or jerking off two dicks in a bukkake video, or whatever floats your boat.

I’d actually hold off on the resistance band portion of the warm-up until you’re ready to perform any upper body movements. In Part 2 of the workout I’ll be presenting to separate templates for two relatively different goals. But both workouts will be starting with a posterior chain exercise to isolate the lower back and there’s no point, really, in warming up the shoulders to work on your lower back. But that’s just my two sense. Stay tuned for part 2. Feel free to message me with any questions, complaints, death threats, sacrifices, etc.

Buy Shit:

Mini Resistance Bands:

Westside Barbell Mini Band

Foam Rollers:

https://www.amazon.com/TriggerPoint-Roller-Instructional-Original-13-inch/dp/B008YPZQCU

Cheap Yet Highly Effective Weight Lifting Shoes:

https://www.amazon.com/Converse-Mens-Chuck-Taylor-Women/dp/B000OLVPBI/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2Q3JPVWFSXZ7Z&keywords=chuck+taylors&qid=1564284391&s=sporting-goods&sprefix=chuck+%2Csporting%2C136&sr=1-4

My Tirade On Gym Fads:

https://metalheadconfessions.com/2018/09/25/lift-with-hatred-stupid-shit-in-the-gym/

Sources:

https://www.t-nation.com/training/defranco-agile-8

How to Deadlift with Proper Form: The Definitive Guide

https://www.healthline.com/health/fitness-exercise/lacrosse-ball-massage#9

Lift With Hatred: Stupid Shit In The Gym

Posted on September 25, 2018December 13, 2018 by Mike

In the last few years I’ve seen some real STOOPID shit while in the gym. I won’t lie, I did some unnecessary shit in my early twenties; but I NEVER did half of what I’m about to talk about here. Fitness, and getting in shape, or whatever the fuck your personal goals are should be fucking simple as shit. There shouldn’t be any weird dancing with weights, or balls, or misuse of equipment. And fuck, the way some of you misuse equipment meant to act as a REINFORCEMENT is fucking ANNOYING to see. So here before you is a short list of shit I want to stop in the gym – ANY gym. Yeah, even my own gym isn’t safe from some of this shit.

1.Wearing Gloves, Wraps, and Belts Unnecessarily

This is something I saw someone in my current gym do months ago while trying to regain my own squat strength post wrist injury.

Gloves

First rule of ANY kind of real lifting: DO NOT FUCKING WEAR GLOVES YOU LITTLE BITCH! If you’re stupid enough to do so, I can only assume grip strength isn’t important to you. Aw, are you afraid of getting callouses? Have fun never getting strong! But more so than that, if you “need” to wear gloves for an exercise in which the bar is to be ON YOUR BACK, then you’re not doing it right. In fact, your wrists are NOT supposed to have ANY pressure on them.

The Cheap Ass, Flimsy, Harbinger Bitch Belts

I forgive you if you’re brand spanking new to weightlifting. You’ve yet to be privy to the importance of true quality materials involved in making real belts. You may not yet even understand that it’s better to learn how to work on strengthening your abs, using that as a “natural belt”. For the rest of you, I honestly hope those fucking Harbinger belts either dig into your ribs while you’re squatting, or they “fail” you because you probably don’t know how to brace.

I honestly feel like all lifters, regardless of whether or not they are bodybuilders or powerlifters or whatever, need to have a belt that is just one length all the way around, and made of leather. I, for example, have an Inzer 10mm Forever Belt. But there a few other brands you can by quality belts from, such as Pioneer Fit. You can either take this advice or just look like a jerkoff…up to you.

Quarter Squatting With Knee Wraps???

If you’re reading this I’d like to think this is self explanatory. But if not: if you’re using fucking KNEE WRAPS to squat 225, your squat probably sucks ASS. Especially if you’re not at least breaking parallel! Just imagine you’re shitting in the forest, or even do what I did and actually ASK for help. Some people like to do box squats as a reinforcement – remember that word? I personally don’t care for them because I feel like it allows the hamstrings to relax and lose tension, but that’s just me. But this actually leads to my next example of gym stupidty!

2.Real Men Don’t Squat With Bosu Or Medicine Balls!!

I actually saw some tool do this in NYSC in Clifton, NJ two years ago. He was front squatting with sneakers onto a medicine ball. First off, if you’re front squatting with sneakers, you better hope I’m not there when you tip over because I’m just going to laugh. A lot. Find someone else to help you. Also, if you’re a man squatting onto a medicine or BOSU ball, do yourself a favor: return your man card right away and make an appointment yesterday for that sex change operation you’ve secret wanted since you got out of high school and entered college, the time where most jackasses finally feel free to wave their jackass flags high! Fuck, even another woman told me “…I thought only chicks squatted onto BOSU balls…”. See guys, don’t be that douche with the surfer boy haircut squatting onto a BOSU ball. Find a box or a small stool or even a bench like a real man. You are a real man, right?

Arnold didn’t have bitch ass medicine balls in 19 whatever the fuck year this was taken in. And he didn’t need them either, and neither do you unless you’ve begun hormone treatments to grow your tits.

3. Weighted Ballet

This goes out to all you certified personal trainers out there…or at least those of you that only based your knowledge on your ACE or NASM textbooks. Yeah, I’m a newly certified trainer – but at least I know that the only way to get someone to do a squat is to keep him or her STABLE and not moving around like an asshole. Or on a BOSU ball. Or anything that’s not a SOLID surface.

“What the fuck is he doing??”

That’s exactly what I thought when I saw I personal trainer at my last gym (the subject of my inaugural Lift With Hatred article) “teach” his middle aged client this absolutely retarded squat “variation”. He gave his client two 10lb dumbbells to hold up at shoulder length. From there, he made him do a squat, then turn 180 degrees to do another squat, and repeat the process. Fuck, at that point this poor fuck wasn’t learning how to get in shape. He was learning weighted fucking ballet! That shit would get me nauseous!

I don’t give a shit about your certification. I could give two fucks about your knowledge of Golgi Tendon Organs. If you have any kind of intelligence or even just a little common sense, you’d know that “functional training” is simply performing exercises that mimic everyday life. That includes the squat and deadlift. So if I’m picking up a box in a warehouse, am I going to spin around with it like some faggot on Dancing With The Stars, or am I going to load it up on the 18 wheeler like a normal person? If you said spin around like a jerkoff, then you deserve to get shot in the head. Twice. You want to have your clients do a dumbbell squat? Simple. Have them do a Goblet Squat: dumbbell to the chest and squat for reps. It’s easy and effective.

Look at that shit – so easy your dead great grandmother can do it!

4. Wearing Shirts With Trendy Mottos

Due to the success of certain YouTube fitness channels, the owners of those channels began selling shirts with their dopey slogans on them. Of course they sold. Of course most of these people are absolute toolbags comprising of either bro lifters or fuckheads who only got into Powerlifting because it somehow became trendy. I want to talk about Barbell Brigade first because I’m going to be less brutal on them than I am with Beastmode. Barbell Brigade, honestly, looks like an awesome gym that I’d love to train in if I’m ever in that part of California. But “Dominate Humbly”?? Who the fuck ever dominated ANYTHING with humility? That’s like a dude starting to brag to his friends about the girl he just boned the other night but the surprise twist was that SHE asked HIM who his daddy was and he liked it as she pounded HIM into submission! He also probably wore a man bun. He’s also probably about to go get a sex change.

Beast Mode Bro!

I honestly have no clue who started this #beastmode shit years ago. I just know that it sucks ass. Like your mother. I also know that it’s not only a silly way of saying you’re going hard at the gym, or even at life, or “grinding” (don’t get me started with this stupid term), but it’s another excuse to record yourself on your phone to get YouTube views or Instagram likes.

But what’s hilarious about Beast Mode is…what the fuck are most of you doing that’s so impressive that it justifies a stupid hashtag. Between videos of bros lifting and pictures of dudes with their shirts off, showing off their upper bodies, you’ve all missed the point. From the time I started training to now neither I nor my friends ever yelled out “yeah man lets go fuckin’ beast mode today bro!”. We just went in there, did our shit and when home. No bragging, all work. You’ll never go on Dan Green or Shawn Roden’s Instagram pages and find #beastmode on their posts. Why? Because they don’t need to put that for everyone to know how hard they worked to get to where they both are now.

Chances are, a good chunk of you probably, are lying through your fucking teeth about exactly how hard you actually work. I bet that, instead of “grinding” you probabky spent most of your time on your phones. You probably are clueless when it comes to programming your training for consistent, long term progress. Your body can be forced to be in “Beast Mode” for only so long before it’s had enough and you either stagnate (the nicest thing that can happen to you) or you get hurt from overtraining because you didn’t schedule a lighter or medium/light week. Or even a deload week!

The saddest thing about “Beast Mode” is that some older guys have drank the Kool Aid. Earlier this year I saw a guido looking dude at my gym, looking older than even I, with a gold chain on…and a Beast Mode tank top. If you’re a man looking close to 40, and you’re wearing a tank top that says “Beast Mode” on it, you most likely haven’t experienced the love a woman in a really long time. After this you have two choices. You can either A) throw yourself in front of an incoming train, or B) go make an appointment for a sex change with the guy squatting on a medicine ball.

5. Invisible Dicks

I’ll never forget this night for as long as I live. February 16th, 2016. New York Sports Club, Clifton NJ. I was hyped up, as I was was preparing to finally Deadlift 315 for the first time (I did so for four reps, by the way). The problem? The deadlift platform was being used by a middle aged man. I asked him how many sets he had left and he explained to me that, as per his Crossfit routine (that should already be a warning!), he was set to perform 12 sets of clean and jerks followed immediately by jump rope.

One problem. I didn’t see a jump rope. So what this guy started doing after his clean and jerks was probably THE single weirdest form of Bukkake I’ve EVER seen in my life. He began jumping up and down while “simulating” jumping rope. All he really looked like all he was doing was jerking off two invisible dicks, but he decided to jack them on his waist because he thought he was too pretty to get it all on his face. Should’ve known, this apparently was a Crossfit routine, after all.

Sarah Palin at least got it right. Why can’t you?

I also saw someone do this shit in my previous gym last summer. I had no clue Bukkake had become a fitness trend! But guys (since I’ve yet to see any chicks do this), either get it right like Sarah Palin or don’t do it at all. Stop fucking jerking off invisible dicks and get a real fucking jump rope you faggots!

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Lift With Hatred

Posted on July 4, 2018July 8, 2018 by Mike

Powerlifting is an external view of how pissed off at the world I really am. – Kirk Karwoski

The title of this article…if you follow me on Instagram you see this hashtag attached to all my training related videos. But let it be known now: I didn’t come up with it just for the sake of having a hashtag or to have several thousand followers. I have nowhere near that. It’s a literal way of life for me. I’m not Kirk Karwoski; but much like him, Powerlifting is definitely an extension of how pissed off I really am.

This guy was just a psycho. In his prime, if he came to the gym and someone was at his squat rack, he’d give them a five minute warning. If the unlucky fuck wasn’t done yet, Kirk would take their shit and throw it to the side and force them out!

At 34 years old, at a time where most people begin to soften with age, I’ve just become colder. Friends? I have so few of them, especially now. Honestly, fuck ’em, don’t need ’em. Playing in bands? More like sixteen years of my life I can never get back. Family? Oh, lets not go there. Work? Let’s REALLY not go there! The ONLY thing I want to do is lift heavy shit. That’s my only relief from the day.

Fuck Your Commercial Gym

The Deadlift. THE single most macho lift anyone can do in their gym…if their gym doesn’t give them shit for it. In fifteen years I’ve trained in just six gyms. One was my college weight room, three of them were commercial and the other two including my current gym are badass gyms with the type of vibe you can only get in a smaller, more intimate setting. Up until last year, no commercial gym ever gave me shit for the way I trained – or even for the clothes I wore to the gym!

Then came this boy scout manager, who claimed he understood me since he himself was a pretty big guy and even complimented my Bev Francis Powerhouse Gym t-shirt. While being given the tour of the place, the much nicer manager who was showing him around asked me to be “kinder” to her floors. Little did she understand that the plates were rubber coated so they’d never break her floors. And before anyone asks: no, I wasn’t slamming the weights.

Regardless, that clearly left an impression on him. He came up to me a week later, looking like he was dry humping his imaginary girlfriend while I was deadlifting before belittling me, lecturing me on proper form like I was some fucking idiot. We almost went to blows right away. I realize instantaneously that he planned on using me to make a name for himself and I wasn’t going to let that shit happen. It was his first official day on the job. A week later, I decided to train wearing jeans and boots, something I’ve done from time to time ever since I’ve been training. This dumb son of a bitch asked me if I had any other clothes and, when I said I didn’t, told me hesitantly that I then had to leave. Why? Because the rivets – the ones I didn’t have on these jeans – would rip up the pleather on the already shitty Hammer Strength benches. I asked him to just let me go with a warning and I’d never do it again, as I had just gotten into my warmup.

Two minutes later, I found myself angrily sitting in my car, knowing for sure that my days at this “gym” were numbered. No one had EVER kicked me out for wearing jeans and boots before, or even given me a warning. Luckily for me, I already knew exactly where I wanted to hang my hat next. The problem was I was low on cash, meaning I’d have to wait a while. I endured two more months of walking on eggshells and even coming close to a confrontation with a trainer there, who I really liked and still do, over my “slamming the weights”.

So what the fuck am I driving at? If you’re like me the gym has to feel like a home, not some fucking social club. It’s okay to make friends. Fuck, I’ve met amazing people in EVERY gym I’ve ever trained in. But if you’re like me, you’re dedicated to acheiving shit that most peole could never dream of. That means you put on those earbuds if you really have to, and you tune out the rest of the world. That means all your focus is going to be on that set, your rep goal, whatever. You’re going to make sure you give it all you got, with all the intensity you can. Is it so heavy you might scream a bit? Go ahead, fucking do it! If anyone is dumb enough to say shit, it’s most likely because they’re too chicken shit to try it.

Make sure your gym is not only welcoming of all kinds of lifters, but TOLERANT. That usually means get the fuck out of your commercial chain gym that can have all the equipment you can ever need, but mostly relies on cardio bunnies for their revenue. Does that one guy that can pull four plates do the robot in between his sets? You need to get the fuck out of there now! That means being in a gym with all lifters – male and female – who know that THE way to get in shape is to not just eat right, but to focus on the three greatest lifts you can do: the squat, the bench and the deadlift. I’ve gotten more muscle mass doing those than I ever did doing just shrugs or leg presses (even though leg presses are part of my current routine).

To me, the gym is the one place where I can express myself. Where I am now, I can lift the way I want, how I want, when I want, with as much intensity as I want and I’ll never be given a hard time for it. Lifting is the one time in my day where I can get out all of that negative energy – and believe me, there’s so much of it! – without anyone else getting hurt. I lift with hatred because that’s my one source of strength. I lift with hatred because that’s all I know. This is not a game. I don’t do this for “fun”; I do it because I need to.

I’m leaving you with my one of my spotify Gym playlists:

Maybe one of these tracks will give YOUR workout a swift kick in the ass.

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The End Of Days Is Near…RIP Slayer

Posted on January 27, 2018January 27, 2018 by Mike

I’ve been wondering for almost five years if they’d ever get a fucking clue and just call it a day. Then, this past Monday, Slayer made this bombshell announcement amid rumors of a huge summer tour lineup including Testament, Behemoth, Lamb Of God and fellow Big Four band Anthrax:

Well damn. There was just one thing for me to say….it’s about fucking time! In my opinion this should’ve been done nearly five years ago, as I said above. Why? Nothing against Paul Bostaph who’s currently in his second run with the band, but the band’s treatment and dismissal of Dave Lombardo – especially by Kerry King – was just fucking disgrace by all accounts. A few months later, guitarist Jeff Hanneman died of alcohol related cirrhosis of the liver. While they had already been touring with Exodus guitarist Gary Holt for a few years while Jeff was recovering from a near fatal spider bite, they should’ve stopped everything right there.

I’ve spoken about this in an article ripping Kerry for calling Jeff “worm food” back in 2015. Yeah, Kerry is a great rhythm player, he’s a really good guitarist, probably more technically sound than Jeff. But Jeff was the better songwriter, having written “Angel Of Death”, “Necrophiliac”. “Spill The Blood”, “Postmortem” and the perennial set closer, “Raining Blood”. Being that he was the one guy in the band that was more influenced by Punk than the others, his songwriting and playing style were far more reckless and chaotic than anything Kerry wrote. Same goes for his lead style, just pure balls to the wall ripping. It was never pretty and that’s why it was amazing. Here’s an example, go to the 1:42 mark for Jeff’s solo. By the way the music here is all his too.

I can spend this entire article kissing Jeff’s ass but here’s my point: like it or not Jeff was a KEY member of the band. With him gone, Slayer was officially nothing more than a tribute band. You know, that band that just goes out there for the money and play those signature songs they didn’t even write. Because every time they play “Angel Of Death”, their SIGNATURE song, it just does not look right seeing Gary on the left side of the stage – and by the way this is not to disrespect Gary.

But it’s like David Vincent and Tim Yeung going out on tour as I Am Morbid (I seriously cannot stop laughing at that name!). Yeah, David wrote almost all the lyrics to those classic Morbid Angel songs; but without Trey killing it on guitar it just sounds like a money grab before the tour even starts. From a non metal perspective it’s the equivalent of Aerosmith touring and recording without Joe Perry or Brad Whitford – BOTH of the band’s guitarists! – for five years. Who really gives a shit about Rock And A Hard Place? Certainly not I!

While it’s clear to me that both Kerry and Tom Araya are the two business partners of the band, Kerry most likely is the one that pushed and pushed to keep going. He’s much more shrewd of a business man. But there’s one problem. His songwriting style has changing DRASTICALLY since the earlier days, as he’s almost embraced shitty trends such as Nu Metal and it showed a little too much on 2001’s God Hates Us All. Wanna know why I’ll never give Repentless, a complete listen through? Because who in their RIGHT MIND wants to hear an entire Slayer record written by him? And if you say you do you’re just a fan boy and should go die – fucking slowly.

Tom, on the other hand, made it clear several times over the years that at his age he’s become homesick. He’s tired, and I think he’s kind of lonely without Jeff. Starting in the late eighties/early nineties, Tom and Jeff began a songwriting partnership that produced some of Slayer’s best tracks, including “War Ensemble”, “Season In The Abyss” and my favorite latter era track, “Eyes Of The Insane”. Jeff wrote the music but Tom wrote the lyrics. Here’s a statement Tom made to Loudwire in 2016:

“At 35 years, it’s time to collect my pension. [Laughs] This is a career move. I’m grateful that we’ve been around for 35 years; that’s a really long time. So, yeah, to me, it is. Because when we started off, everything was great, because you’re young and invincible. And then there came a time where I became a family man, and I had a tough time flying back and forth. And now, at this stage, at the level we’re at now, I can do that; I can fly home when I want to, on days off, and spend some time with my family, which is something I wasn’t able to do when [my kids] were growing up. Now they’re both older and mature. So now I take advantage of that.” Araya added: “Yeah, it just gets harder and harder to come back out on the road. 35 years is a long time.”

So I’m wondering if either certain business/contractual matters were finally resolved or Tom finally let Kerry know that he had enough. I personally think that at 56 years old he’s burnt out. It probably take it’s physical toll to scream like that every night at his age. Or just maybe he has enough common sense to understand that things can NEVER be the same with Jeff gone. Either way, the band has finally made the right call because at this point they’re more than beating a dead horse. I almost want to see this farewell tour. The lineup is fucking sick, and I can almost guarantee Anthrax is on there because they’ll probably have both bands on stage together at the end of every show to play a few songs together and it’ll be one big party as 2/4 of the Big Four. Hell, even Dave Mustaine said he’d like to put together one last Big Four show as his way of sending them off. Sounds actually really cool, considering the interband relationship between his own band and Kerry (Kerry was in Megadeth for five seconds before he got sick of Dave’s dictator-like approach). But will they agree to it? However, as I’ve hashtagged on Instagram posts for a while now, #nojeffnoslayer.

No Jeff, no Slayer. He’s not there and I’m not interested. Kerry and Tom, congratulations. You’ve had an amazing career, creating a legacy that’s UNDENIABLE. But please, after this is all over, make sure it stays that way. Don’t be like that pro wrestler that retires then almost as quickly comes back because they can’t stand to be away – or need the money. Here’s one of THE most fucked up songs the band ever released, written by Jeff:

Confessions of an Angry Metalhead

Tag: Extreme Metal