I initially thought of the idea during my earliest days on the social media cesspool that is Instagram. It literally just popped in my head while thinking of hashtags in my earliest posts. Then after a while, I began pondering what the phrase “LIFT WITH HATRED” would look like on a shirt, or even a gym style stringer. I hope to have THAT made one day!
It then was a long, on again-off again process between not knowing my ass from my elbow with design programs and personal shit over the last few years. My favorite was when an old friend, who I’ve mentioned on here three times already and will not name in this article, volunteered his services to help me with a design based on a picture I gave him, only to vanish out of my life without warning. So, I just recently decided to stop waiting around for nothing and just went for it.
If you’re reading this, the Lift with Hatred clothing line is FINALLY available, and you can click here to see the designs I came up with. You’ll see five different variants of the Lift with Hatred slogan available in t-shirt form, along with option of buying pins, hoodies, posters, coasters and even a gym duffel bag! Get a shirt and wear it to the gym for your next Deadlift PR, or even your next concert. Get a pin and put it on your denim vest (the term battle jacket is fucking gay). Get a poster and a tape that shit on your wall over your couch. Spread the fucking word!
Also, I have started a Lift With Hatred IG account. If you buy any merch, make sure to take pictures of yourself wearing my merch, pissing on it, fucking like two dogs on the street over my shirts, setting them ablaze on a dumpster fire, etc, and tag the Lift with Hatred IG account to be featured on the page!
So, here we are. Ask yourself, “Do I have what it takes?” Do you? Do you have what it takes to be real? Are you realistic enough to know that only YOU can change yourself? Do you look in the mirror and hate what you see so much that you’ll do whatever it takes to not be a weak, fat piece of fucking shit? Do you have what it takes to take channel your anger and to give yourself the single most intense bench day you’ve ever had in the gym? Do you have what it takes to proudly be yourself and not give two shits about what anyone else thinks of you?
If you said “yes” to any of this, click here now, and show that you belong…
I came up with the idea for Lift with Hatred, possibly in 2016. I wrote my first article about it in 2018; but I never came up with a real philosophy or lifestyle behind the idea. But after being inspired by a lethal combination of caffeine and the hideous site of people while training, I have finally created one, coming up with things and typing them up on posts in my Instagram profile so I wouldn’t forget. Read the following and see if you belong…
The Philosophy
Lift With Hatred because you eternally hate yourself and the way you look. You see men and women with unhealthy, fat bodies and you know you can do way better. You also refuse to let everyone else drag you down to their level of mediocrity as a means to quell their own insecurities.
Nothing screams “I’m a lazy fuck” more than the phrase “I don’t have the time”. Oh? You sure had the time to get blackout drunk with your jerk off friends and totally embarrass yourself in front of girls that would never fuck you anyway. You sure had the time to go out with your soccer mom girlfriends (and not the hot ones either!) and drink more white wine and then complain that you’re getting fatter.
You sure had the time prioritize anything else that was probably worthless and brought you several steps closer to becoming even more pathetic than your parents. That’s why in ten years, while you’re all fat and absolutely HORRID looking, I of all people will be far stronger and able to take care of myself than all of you. I’ll probably still be a great fuck too!
So go ahead, keep saying you don’t have the time to get your fat asses and some kind of shape. Do me the fucking favor and die off so I don’t have to look at you. Really, it’s ok!
Lift With Hatred because you hate people. You hate people because they’ve absolutely wronged you or their mere stupidity and/or presence alone absolutely DISGUSTS you.
Lift With Hatred because getting your anger out of your system by punishing your body is far better for your arrest record. It’d be fun to run some piece of shit down with your car, or even take a baseball bat to some stupid cunt; but you simply can’t afford to go to prison just yet.
Lift With Hatred by leaving your commercial fitness center behind. Find a more intimate setting – an actual GYM, even if it’s half the size of your soon-to-be former fitness center, where you will no longer be targeted for training with intensity and with purpose. Find a gym so you won’t ever again be accused of “slamming the weights” just because you pulled more weight than everyone else there. Find a gym so no one will stare at you for being “loud”, not because you were just grunting for the sake of grunting, but because you happened to challenge yourself and just maybe lift something neither you ever lifted before, or that they ever will because they don’t understand the concept of EFFORT.
Lift With Hatred by either surrounding yourself with greatness – another reason to join a real gym – or take all that anger, frustration, violence and rage, and channel it into a singular, laser sharp focus. Tune out every single annoying voice in the place; or maybe you’re fortunate enough to have your own gym at home with all the necessary basic equipment (bench, power rack, some sturdy bars and several plates). All your sights should now be set on that bar on your shoulders, over your head, or on the ground, all waiting to test you. Chalk up – gloves are for pussies after all! Choke the life out of the bar as if it’s someone’s neck. Squeeze tighter than you ever have in your entire life.
Is this you? Do you think you’re worthy? Tell me if you think you’re worthy, and why in the comments.
Brief Sidenote: This main picture above is actually a rough draft for a potential Lift with Hatred shirt.
In part 1 I discussed our training “philosophy” along with my warmup routine. So here’s what you’ve all waited for! I decided to provide not one, but TWO templates for you to choose from. These are full body routines, because the body needs as much volume as possible, especially when you’re just starting. Constant stimulation is also CRUCIAL for rapid growth.
The basis for both of these templates are made up of the Squat, Bench Press, Deadlift and Overhead Press. All classic beginner routines are comprised of these moves because they’re compound lifts, meaning they work more than “just” one body part. But make no mistake, I’m not here to explain the kinesiology of every lift. You can go on plenty of sites for that shit. Remember, make sure you warm up before doing ANYTHING else and, if you have a mini resistance band, take that with you. So, with that being said, and because I wanted to make a Metal themed routine for building a strength foundation, here’s Template A and B of Lift With Hatred: The Sabbath Years.
Template A
Back Extensions – 3 x 10 or 3 x 20 (with resistance band)
Squat – 4 x 4-6 or 1 x 20 depending on your goals (preceded by resistance band shoulder warmup)
Bench Press – 4 x 4-6 (preceded by resistance band shoulder warmup and/or set of chin ups to failure)
Chinups – 4 x failure (you can also superset these with the Bench Press to save time)
Overhead Press – 4 x 4 – 6
Deadlift – 1 x 5
Template B
This is an alternating A-B-A/B-A-B style routine.
Workout A
Back Extensions – 3×10 or 3×20
Squat – 3 x 15
Bench Press – 3 x 15
Deadlift – 3 x 15
Workout B
Back Extensions – 3 x 10 or 3 x 20
Dumbbell Lunge – 3 x 15
Overhead Press – 3 x 15
Bent Over Row – 3 x 15
Explanation
This is as basic and primitive as it gets, much like the first few Black Sabbath records (especially Master Of Reality!). They’re equally as brutal as they are simple as time progresses. Same shit with these exercises. It’s going to be beyond GED simple at first. But the workouts will become difficult as the intensity increases. It’s just up to you to figure out if you can handle it after a while.
Sets And Reps
This shit varies depending on the template. For Template A I wanted you to be able to get in more sets for the sake of more stimulation. In most proven strength routines, more than three sets are usually prescribed. More sets equals more volume, which makes for more stimulation throughout the body. Just because some doctor prescribed three sets per exercise back in the 30’s doesn’t mean you have to just perform three sets. Also, I suggested a set 20 for the Squat as an option for you younger kids reading this. I took the idea from Stuart McRobert’s book Brawn. Stuart speaks about the classic 20 Rep Squat routine which is beyond simple, yet beyond BRUTAL on your legs. But your legs will be huge. Trust me.
Template B offers a more size oriented approach, bringing in dumbbells for one exercise, which will absolutely force more muscle fibers to be used to stimulate more growth. That’s also why the reps are increased here. It’s for this reason that this template offers more of a variety. In fact, the alternating days gives you a chance to use an extra day to recover from the power moves while focusing on more size oriented moves, and vice versa. I wrote a modified version of this template for my first client and he was a believer in full body training after a few weeks.
Duration
Template A is a three month cycle that’s to be trained three times a week, like most strength routines. Both of these routines call for a linear progression, meaning the weights will be increased every week. So make sure to increase the poundage accordingly. I’d say increase the lower body poundages by 10lbs for the Squat and 10 – 20lbs for the Deadlift. Increase the upper body poundages by 5lbs or even 2.5lbs.
For Template B, the recommended poundage increases are the same. But the difference here is this is just Phase One of what will be four phases. Which each phase comes a decrease in the amount of reps per set and, by Phase Four, the sets will increase to order to bring up the volume. If you like this let me know and I’ll write up the other three phases.
Training Tips
Back Extensions
Look at the ass on him!
You might notice that I started every routine with this. Many of you might ask “…but Angry Metalhead, why can’t I do this as an accessory move like everyone else??” Simple, because we’re not training to be like everyone else you asshole! Not only that, but because, as I learned from reading up on Reg Park, training the lower back while it’s fresh loosens and strengthens it. Everyone forgets that training the lower back is as much of Core training as training your abs is.
And as I found out, a strong lower back makes for a much stronger Squat and Deadlift. But hey what the fuck do I know, I just know I once was able to deadlift 380lbs without a belt for a reason. After you get used to the exercise, you can add a mini resistance band to add tension. After that you can also add weight. Or, if you’re pressed for time you can simply just use the mini band and add ten extra reps per set.
One more thing. Guys, make sure you adjust yourself before you perform this move. Take it from me, there’s no feeling more annoying than that of crushing your own balls because you didn’t fix yourself up on the station. Your woman or man or whatever needs you to have healthy nuts guys!
Hip Drive!
Did you really thing that Squats and Deadlift just required strong legs? Fuck no, it’s all about that Hip Drive, as Mark Rippetoe says. All Hip Hinge moves, like the Squat , Deadlift, Back Extensions, etc., require the hips to start AND finish the move. Strong hips make for big numbers. Strong hips also carry over into other aspects of life too. Guys, you want to be absolute fuck machine with your wife/girlfriend/baby mamma/one night stand? Use those hips. Ladies, wanna be a fuck machine and show your husband/boyfriend/baby daddy/one night stand that you can keep up with the thrusting? Use your hips!
Grip Strength
I saved the best for last because I wanted to send a clear message to all of you reading this. I spoke on two separate occasions about grip strength, and the importance of not wearing gloves while performing any exercise or program. Fuck, I even provided a real life depiction of what you look like when you wear gloves in my last article! Gloves do provide protection…but it’s still lamer than wearing a rubber. At least with a rubber you’re trying to avoiding something that might not be wanted right now!
So, to further add to my argument as to why you should NEVER wear gloves to the gym, ladies and germs, meet Sparkles!
Sparkles is a cross dressing manicurist who underwent TWO gender reassignments (he’s very confused). He’s great at bedazzling your nails. His ass looks nice in round in a dress. As you can see in the last picture, he’ll also hold your newborn, mixed race baby! Wanna know what Sparkles can’t do? He can’t deadlift worth a shit. Why? It ain’t from the lack of testosterone in his body – it’s because he wears gloves to the gym.
If you want to see how Sparkles fares trying to pull a measly 145lbs, click on the video above!
This is my vision of you, yes YOU. When I see you wearing gloves I see Sparkles. I see a guy with absolutely no desire whatsoever to be stronger than he or even she knows. I see someone with no desire to to be anything other than average, I could give two shits about how much muscle you have. I didn’t pull more than double my bodyweight because I wore gloves. Don’t be average. Don’t be Sparkles.
I’ve been talking about this for a year. My own training template for beginning lifters, an easy, basic, bullshit free style, thoughtfully put together through many sources plus my experience both as a personal trainer as well as someone who once struggled to the point that all seemed hopeless. Training, regardless of your goals, is much more of a cerebral game than most newbies would realize.
You have to learn the art of Autoregulation, listening to your body to realize what kind of stimuli it will and won’t respond to in terms of exercises and reps and sets and all that bullshit. Speaking of bullshit, be ready to have have all sorts of advice thrown your way by both the ones who actually look like they lift and especially the ones who look more like they just took some program off Bodybuilding.com without doing any real research and just began “working out” a few weeks ago. They’re hilarious! But more important than either of those, is the development of your mental toughness.
The lifts you’ll be performing will be simple, but brutal after a while. You’ll be repeating a lot of these almost every workout and you’ll get bored. You can either just give up because you can’t take the repetition, or you can suck it up, follow the program to the T and reap the rewards later. Yeah, I’m an angry asshole – and lack of patience usually comes with being angry! But I at least understand that Rome wasn’t built in a day either. But hey, what the fuck do I know? I only Deadlift more than double my bodyweight.
Training Philosophy
Why do we Lift With Hatred? What’s your daily life like? Kids? Nagging wife/girlfriend/baby mama? Nagging husband/boyfriend/baby daddy? Feeling disrespected by your boss? Colleagues? Random pieces of shit on the streets who need to be put in their place? They all have one thing in common: it all can get to your head.
Lift With Hatred isn’t “just” some fucking saying I came up with to look awesome. It’s cerebral. It’s emotion. It’s taking all the negativity that you endure throughout your day, and channeling it into something badass, like hitting a squat PR with everything you have. Let’s face it, I’d love to beat the shit out of one or two of my “colleagues” at work…as well as several “family” members; but I also know that I’m not in the mood to go to jail right now.
Lift With Hatred is a way of life. So how exactly do we Lift With Hatred? You look deep into your mind; think about one person who always does you wrong, or your significant other who cheated on you, or that random shithead on the streets you said the wrong thing. Take those feelings of wanting to beat them to the point of near death (the movie Bugsy comes to mind!), and take it out on those weights. Why? Because a powerful physique is far more beneficial than a rap sheet!
The Do’s and Don’ts Of What You’ll Need
I delved into this a little bit in an article called Lift With Hatred: Stupid Shit In The Gym. But here’s is small, ridiculously simple list of what you’ll need to start off – and it’s not much – along with what you definitely won’t need.
Need
Shoes With A Flat Sole
This is often recommended by a lot of reputable coaches and for good reason. In as simple of an explanation as possible, you want to always be able to “split the ground”, or push down against the floor, when performing any compound move. You can’t do that if your shoes don’t allow you feet to be completely on the floor. So most sneakers are out of the question. A flat sole usually provides a bit more traction and allows you to use your posterior chain more, which is crucial for most strength based routines. If you’ve been squatting for a while in sneakers, I guarantee you’ll quickly find out how strong your squat really is once you switch over. I switched over in 2010 and I couldn’t believe how weak I really was (see the Chuck Taylors above!)! There’s also the possibility of tipping over during a heavy squat or deadlift. So you can take my word for it or not. Up to you. Just don’t tell me I didn’t warn you. Recommendations include but are not limited to: Converse Chuck Taylor hi tops, Otomix or Adidas Wrestling Shoes. Don’t worry about getting Adidas Powerlifts, Do-Wins, or anything with a heel until it’s absolutely necessary.
Mini Resistance Bands
Resistance bands in short are fucking amazing. These bands were popularized by those sadistic lunatics over at Westside Barbell long ago, and now everyone and their mother uses them. Why? Constant tension. Advanced and elite level lifters use them at multiple sizes to add weighted tension to lighter percentages of their maxes, because more tension will force you to work faster. Remember, speed is one of the two components of power. But you’ll be using these as a quick warm up for your rear delts before every workout because they’re not only conveniently small enough to carry, but because not every gym has a dowel rod available for a move like Shoulder Dislocations. So for that reason, just order a mini band.
Foam Roller
I first read about foam rollers more than a decade ago in a Men’s Health workout guide that’s I’m pretty sure I still have somewhere; but I’m pretty sure it was Muscle And Fitness that called it “The Poor Man’s Massage”. And it is. It’s also a great way to open up the muscles at the beginning of your warm-up. Does your job require you to sit all day long? You’re hips, lats, pectorals and front delts are probably tighter than your fifteen year old sister, and you’ll know where those tender spots are when you find it. You’ll be yelling “hurts so good!” like the closet submissive that you are in no time!
Lacrosse Ball
Use a Lacrosse ball to massage areas that you might not be able to successfully hit with a foam roller, such as you piriformis and especially your feet.
Don’t Need
Any Kind Of Lifting Belt
Go ahead and tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. Done? Feel better? Great – now go suck me! Now that that’s out of the way…you’re reading this correctly. If you’re just starting ANY routine, you do NOT need a belt of any kind. The purpose of a belt is to provide you with something to push your abs into, allowing the abs to achieve an even harder contraction. But unless you’re squatting or deadlifting more than you weigh, focus on developing your “natural belt”, aka your abs. At one point you’ll need one, but for this beginner’s routine I wouldn’t worry about it.
Almost Every Supplement Out There
Here’s another thing that’ll have people telling me I know nothing. They can still go suck me. Not including protein powder, there’s no need to spend your money on any kind of preworkout, creatine monohydrate, or fat burners. I’m not saying they don’t have they’re place; but if you’re new to training and are thin, you need to eat as if you’re one of the fat slobs slowly marching toward death’s door in Supersize Me, clearly rendering fat burners useless here ((although they don’t really do much at all!). In terms of preworkout, there’s no real need for that much caffeine if you’re just starting with an empty bar. Creatine Monohydrate is arguably the single safest supplement out there, especially in it’s powdered form (which is cheaper yet way more effective than it’s pill form). It retains water in the muscles. Sodium does the same shit. But if you want to use Creatine, I’d recommend at least seeing what kind of muscular foundation you can build without it on your own first. Otherwise, you could just take a tablespoon of sea salt and mix that in a gallon of water.
Gloves
An actual depiction of what you look like when you wear gloves to the gym.
Gloves: GAY. I definitely when on a tirade regarding gloves in the article I mentioned above. But to be short: DO NOT WEAR FUCKING GLOVES. Unless you have nerve damage you don’t need them. Gloves provide a layer between your hands and the bar. Sounds like protection, and it is. But your grip strength won’t develop and it needs to in order for this or any REAL program to work. One of my clients recently bitched when he realized he was developing calluses on his hands, saying when he touched his wife he wanted smooth hands for her. Yeah? You know what your wife would appreciate more? Man hands! So do yourself a favor and ditch the gloves. Actually no…BURN THEM. Or go get a sex change and start calling yourself Sparkles while singing along to this:
The Warm-Up
Here’s a simple warm-up that should take a least ten minutes once you get the hang of everything. For this you’ll need your foam roller and your mini resistance band. Some of the moves you’ll see here I’ve taken from either books I’ve read over the years or things I’ve learned recently. Some of this is taken from the DeFranco Agile 8 (I’ll leave a link below).
Start off by foam rolling your entire body. As I mentioned earlier, some of you might have jobs that require sitting all day. So some of the key joints and limbs here might be real tight. That’s why it’s important to hit EVERYTHING, not just your shoulders, legs and hips. Foam roll your piriformis (or use a lacrosse ball), your pecs, even your biceps (they’re connected to your shoulders after all).
Dynamic Warm-up. Remember when your elementary school gym teacher made you do shit like jumping jacks and jogging in place before actually doing anything? Well they were on to something. Dynamic movements help loosen your muscles, as well as increase your heart rate. Never EVER perform static stretches before working out. Stretching a cold muscle could possibly lead to an injury. This warm-up includes body only movements along with resistance band movements for the rear delts:
Body Only
Side Planks: 20 – 30 seconds per side
Leg Swings: 10 – 15 swings per leg (make sure you feel the stretch in both your quads and your hamstrings depending on the direction)
Groiners: ten reps altogether.
With A Mini Resistance Band
Band Pull Aparts: 8 – 12 reps above the nipple line, followed by 8 – 12 reps below the nipple line (where you’d position the bar for the Bench Press); Banded Shoulder Dislocations: 8 – 12 reps; Band Face Pull With External Rotation: 8 – 12 reps. When I say external rotation, I simply mean that instead of finishing the movement with your fists facing in front of you and over your head, they instead will be facing you as if you’re flexing your biceps, or jerking off two dicks in a bukkake video, or whatever floats your boat.
I’d actually hold off on the resistance band portion of the warm-up until you’re ready to perform any upper body movements. In Part 2 of the workout I’ll be presenting to separate templates for two relatively different goals. But both workouts will be starting with a posterior chain exercise to isolate the lower back and there’s no point, really, in warming up the shoulders to work on your lower back. But that’s just my two sense. Stay tuned for part 2. Feel free to message me with any questions, complaints, death threats, sacrifices, etc.
In the last few years I’ve seen some real STOOPID shit while in the gym. I won’t lie, I did some unnecessary shit in my early twenties; but I NEVER did half of what I’m about to talk about here. Fitness, and getting in shape, or whatever the fuck your personal goals are should be fucking simple as shit. There shouldn’t be any weird dancing with weights, or balls, or misuse of equipment. And fuck, the way some of you misuse equipment meant to act as a REINFORCEMENT is fucking ANNOYING to see. So here before you is a short list of shit I want to stop in the gym – ANY gym. Yeah, even my own gym isn’t safe from some of this shit.
1.Wearing Gloves, Wraps, and Belts Unnecessarily
This is something I saw someone in my current gym do months ago while trying to regain my own squat strength post wrist injury.
Gloves
First rule of ANY kind of real lifting: DO NOT FUCKING WEAR GLOVES YOU LITTLE BITCH! If you’re stupid enough to do so, I can only assume grip strength isn’t important to you. Aw, are you afraid of getting callouses? Have fun never getting strong! But more so than that, if you “need” to wear gloves for an exercise in which the bar is to be ON YOUR BACK, then you’re not doing it right. In fact, your wrists are NOT supposed to have ANY pressure on them.
The Cheap Ass, Flimsy, Harbinger Bitch Belts
I forgive you if you’re brand spanking new to weightlifting. You’ve yet to be privy to the importance of true quality materials involved in making real belts. You may not yet even understand that it’s better to learn how to work on strengthening your abs, using that as a “natural belt”. For the rest of you, I honestly hope those fucking Harbinger belts either dig into your ribs while you’re squatting, or they “fail” you because you probably don’t know how to brace.
I honestly feel like all lifters, regardless of whether or not they are bodybuilders or powerlifters or whatever, need to have a belt that is just one length all the way around, and made of leather. I, for example, have an Inzer 10mm Forever Belt. But there a few other brands you can by quality belts from, such as Pioneer Fit. You can either take this advice or just look like a jerkoff…up to you.
Quarter Squatting With Knee Wraps???
If you’re reading this I’d like to think this is self explanatory. But if not: if you’re using fucking KNEE WRAPS to squat 225, your squat probably sucks ASS. Especially if you’re not at least breaking parallel! Just imagine you’re shitting in the forest, or even do what I did and actually ASK for help. Some people like to do box squats as a reinforcement – remember that word? I personally don’t care for them because I feel like it allows the hamstrings to relax and lose tension, but that’s just me. But this actually leads to my next example of gym stupidty!
2.Real Men Don’t Squat With Bosu Or Medicine Balls!!
I actually saw some tool do this in NYSC in Clifton, NJ two years ago. He was front squatting with sneakers onto a medicine ball. First off, if you’re front squatting with sneakers, you better hope I’m not there when you tip over because I’m just going to laugh. A lot. Find someone else to help you. Also, if you’re a man squatting onto a medicine or BOSU ball, do yourself a favor: return your man card right away and make an appointment yesterday for that sex change operation you’ve secret wanted since you got out of high school and entered college, the time where most jackasses finally feel free to wave their jackass flags high! Fuck, even another woman told me “…I thought only chicks squatted onto BOSU balls…”. See guys, don’t be that douche with the surfer boy haircut squatting onto a BOSU ball. Find a box or a small stool or even a bench like a real man. You are a real man, right?
Arnold didn’t have bitch ass medicine balls in 19 whatever the fuck year this was taken in. And he didn’t need them either, and neither do you unless you’ve begun hormone treatments to grow your tits.
3. Weighted Ballet
This goes out to all you certified personal trainers out there…or at least those of you that only based your knowledge on your ACE or NASM textbooks. Yeah, I’m a newly certified trainer – but at least I know that the only way to get someone to do a squat is to keep him or her STABLE and not moving around like an asshole. Or on a BOSU ball. Or anything that’s not a SOLID surface.
“What the fuck is he doing??”
That’s exactly what I thought when I saw I personal trainer at my last gym (the subject of my inaugural Lift With Hatred article) “teach” his middle aged client this absolutely retarded squat “variation”. He gave his client two 10lb dumbbells to hold up at shoulder length. From there, he made him do a squat, then turn 180 degrees to do another squat, and repeat the process. Fuck, at that point this poor fuck wasn’t learning how to get in shape. He was learning weighted fucking ballet! That shit would get me nauseous!
I don’t give a shit about your certification. I could give two fucks about your knowledge of Golgi Tendon Organs. If you have any kind of intelligence or even just a little common sense, you’d know that “functional training” is simply performing exercises that mimic everyday life. That includes the squat and deadlift. So if I’m picking up a box in a warehouse, am I going to spin around with it like some faggot on Dancing With The Stars, or am I going to load it up on the 18 wheeler like a normal person? If you said spin around like a jerkoff, then you deserve to get shot in the head. Twice. You want to have your clients do a dumbbell squat? Simple. Have them do a Goblet Squat: dumbbell to the chest and squat for reps. It’s easy and effective.
Look at that shit – so easy your dead great grandmother can do it!
4. Wearing Shirts With Trendy Mottos
Due to the success of certain YouTube fitness channels, the owners of those channels began selling shirts with their dopey slogans on them. Of course they sold. Of course most of these people are absolute toolbags comprising of either bro lifters or fuckheads who only got into Powerlifting because it somehow became trendy. I want to talk about Barbell Brigade first because I’m going to be less brutal on them than I am with Beastmode. Barbell Brigade, honestly, looks like an awesome gym that I’d love to train in if I’m ever in that part of California. But “Dominate Humbly”?? Who the fuck ever dominated ANYTHING with humility? That’s like a dude starting to brag to his friends about the girl he just boned the other night but the surprise twist was that SHE asked HIM who his daddy was and he liked it as she pounded HIM into submission! He also probably wore a man bun. He’s also probably about to go get a sex change.
Beast Mode Bro!
I honestly have no clue who started this #beastmode shit years ago. I just know that it sucks ass. Like your mother. I also know that it’s not only a silly way of saying you’re going hard at the gym, or even at life, or “grinding” (don’t get me started with this stupid term), but it’s another excuse to record yourself on your phone to get YouTube views or Instagram likes.
But what’s hilarious about Beast Mode is…what the fuck are most of you doing that’s so impressive that it justifies a stupid hashtag. Between videos of bros lifting and pictures of dudes with their shirts off, showing off their upper bodies, you’ve all missed the point. From the time I started training to now neither I nor my friends ever yelled out “yeah man lets go fuckin’ beast mode today bro!”. We just went in there, did our shit and when home. No bragging, all work. You’ll never go on Dan Green or Shawn Roden’s Instagram pages and find #beastmode on their posts. Why? Because they don’t need to put that for everyone to know how hard they worked to get to where they both are now.
Chances are, a good chunk of you probably, are lying through your fucking teeth about exactly how hard you actually work. I bet that, instead of “grinding” you probabky spent most of your time on your phones. You probably are clueless when it comes to programming your training for consistent, long term progress. Your body can be forced to be in “Beast Mode” for only so long before it’s had enough and you either stagnate (the nicest thing that can happen to you) or you get hurt from overtraining because you didn’t schedule a lighter or medium/light week. Or even a deload week!
The saddest thing about “Beast Mode” is that some older guys have drank the Kool Aid. Earlier this year I saw a guido looking dude at my gym, looking older than even I, with a gold chain on…and a Beast Mode tank top. If you’re a man looking close to 40, and you’re wearing a tank top that says “Beast Mode” on it, you most likely haven’t experienced the love a woman in a really long time. After this you have two choices. You can either A) throw yourself in front of an incoming train, or B) go make an appointment for a sex change with the guy squatting on a medicine ball.
5. Invisible Dicks
I’ll never forget this night for as long as I live. February 16th, 2016. New York Sports Club, Clifton NJ. I was hyped up, as I was was preparing to finally Deadlift 315 for the first time (I did so for four reps, by the way). The problem? The deadlift platform was being used by a middle aged man. I asked him how many sets he had left and he explained to me that, as per his Crossfit routine (that should already be a warning!), he was set to perform 12 sets of clean and jerks followed immediately by jump rope.
One problem. I didn’t see a jump rope. So what this guy started doing after his clean and jerks was probably THE single weirdest form of Bukkake I’ve EVER seen in my life. He began jumping up and down while “simulating” jumping rope. All he really looked like all he was doing was jerking off two invisible dicks, but he decided to jack them on his waist because he thought he was too pretty to get it all on his face. Should’ve known, this apparently was a Crossfit routine, after all.
Sarah Palin at least got it right. Why can’t you?
I also saw someone do this shit in my previous gym last summer. I had no clue Bukkake had become a fitness trend! But guys (since I’ve yet to see any chicks do this), either get it right like Sarah Palin or don’t do it at all. Stop fucking jerking off invisible dicks and get a real fucking jump rope you faggots!
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Powerlifting is an external view of how pissed off at the world I really am. – Kirk Karwoski
The title of this article…if you follow me on Instagram you see this hashtag attached to all my training related videos. But let it be known now: I didn’t come up with it just for the sake of having a hashtag or to have several thousand followers. I have nowhere near that. It’s a literal way of life for me. I’m not Kirk Karwoski; but much like him, Powerlifting is definitely an extension of how pissed off I really am.
This guy was just a psycho. In his prime, if he came to the gym and someone was at his squat rack, he’d give them a five minute warning. If the unlucky fuck wasn’t done yet, Kirk would take their shit and throw it to the side and force them out!
At 34 years old, at a time where most people begin to soften with age, I’ve just become colder. Friends? I have so few of them, especially now. Honestly, fuck ’em, don’t need ’em. Playing in bands? More like sixteen years of my life I can never get back. Family? Oh, lets not go there. Work? Let’s REALLY not go there! The ONLY thing I want to do is lift heavy shit. That’s my only relief from the day.
Fuck Your Commercial Gym
The Deadlift. THE single most macho lift anyone can do in their gym…if their gym doesn’t give them shit for it. In fifteen years I’ve trained in just six gyms. One was my college weight room, three of them were commercial and the other two including my current gym are badass gyms with the type of vibe you can only get in a smaller, more intimate setting. Up until last year, no commercial gym ever gave me shit for the way I trained – or even for the clothes I wore to the gym!
Then came this boy scout manager, who claimed he understood me since he himself was a pretty big guy and even complimented my Bev Francis Powerhouse Gym t-shirt. While being given the tour of the place, the much nicer manager who was showing him around asked me to be “kinder” to her floors. Little did she understand that the plates were rubber coated so they’d never break her floors. And before anyone asks: no, I wasn’t slamming the weights.
Regardless, that clearly left an impression on him. He came up to me a week later, looking like he was dry humping his imaginary girlfriend while I was deadlifting before belittling me, lecturing me on proper form like I was some fucking idiot. We almost went to blows right away. I realize instantaneously that he planned on using me to make a name for himself and I wasn’t going to let that shit happen. It was his first official day on the job. A week later, I decided to train wearing jeans and boots, something I’ve done from time to time ever since I’ve been training. This dumb son of a bitch asked me if I had any other clothes and, when I said I didn’t, told me hesitantly that I then had to leave. Why? Because the rivets – the ones I didn’t have on these jeans – would rip up the pleather on the already shitty Hammer Strength benches. I asked him to just let me go with a warning and I’d never do it again, as I had just gotten into my warmup.
Two minutes later, I found myself angrily sitting in my car, knowing for sure that my days at this “gym” were numbered. No one had EVER kicked me out for wearing jeans and boots before, or even given me a warning. Luckily for me, I already knew exactly where I wanted to hang my hat next. The problem was I was low on cash, meaning I’d have to wait a while. I endured two more months of walking on eggshells and even coming close to a confrontation with a trainer there, who I really liked and still do, over my “slamming the weights”.
So what the fuck am I driving at? If you’re like me the gym has to feel like a home, not some fucking social club. It’s okay to make friends. Fuck, I’ve met amazing people in EVERY gym I’ve ever trained in. But if you’re like me, you’re dedicated to acheiving shit that most peole could never dream of. That means you put on those earbuds if you really have to, and you tune out the rest of the world. That means all your focus is going to be on that set, your rep goal, whatever. You’re going to make sure you give it all you got, with all the intensity you can. Is it so heavy you might scream a bit? Go ahead, fucking do it! If anyone is dumb enough to say shit, it’s most likely because they’re too chicken shit to try it.
Make sure your gym is not only welcoming of all kinds of lifters, but TOLERANT. That usually means get the fuck out of your commercial chain gym that can have all the equipment you can ever need, but mostly relies on cardio bunnies for their revenue. Does that one guy that can pull four plates do the robot in between his sets? You need to get the fuck out of there now! That means being in a gym with all lifters – male and female – who know that THE way to get in shape is to not just eat right, but to focus on the three greatest lifts you can do: the squat, the bench and the deadlift. I’ve gotten more muscle mass doing those than I ever did doing just shrugs or leg presses (even though leg presses are part of my current routine).
To me, the gym is the one place where I can express myself. Where I am now, I can lift the way I want, how I want, when I want, with as much intensity as I want and I’ll never be given a hard time for it. Lifting is the one time in my day where I can get out all of that negative energy – and believe me, there’s so much of it! – without anyone else getting hurt. I lift with hatred because that’s my one source of strength. I lift with hatred because that’s all I know. This is not a game. I don’t do this for “fun”; I do it because I need to.
I’m leaving you with my one of my spotify Gym playlists:
Maybe one of these tracks will give YOUR workout a swift kick in the ass.
Confessions of an Angry Metalhead 