Tag: Metalhead

The Specter of Dime Hovers Above: Black Label Society live at Starland Ballroom, April 2nd, 2005

Posted on by Mike

It had only been a few weeks since my previous, and first visit to the then-newly christened Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, NJ. That show was fucking amazing beyond words! But this time would be drastically different. I don’t remember if I was invited either before or after my band fired me; but Idrees, Chad and I were going to go to see Black Label Society at Starland with Chad’s friend, who apparently met the band before at the now-defunct Slipped Disc Records in Long Island and was hoping on this night to present Zakk Wylde himself with a guitar he’d built just for him. Chad, Idrees and I had seen Black Label Society months earlier on Ozzfest ’04, but this was to be the first time any of us would see the band or Zakk as a headliner in their own show as opposed to a festival setting.

Quick Backstory

Zakk had released Mafia, Black Label’s seventh album not even a month earlier on Tuesday, March 8th, 2005. Why do I remember this? Because I drove out to Best Buy in a snowstorm after class ended that day just to buy it.

There was a shit ton of anticipation leading up to the release of Mafia. It would be the band’s first release on Danny Goldberg’s Artemis Records (which was purchased by E1 Entertainment the following year) after six albums on Spitfire Records, and the lead-off single, “Suicide Messiah” was gaining airplay pretty quickly. But there was one crucial aspect to Mafia’s release:

It was released four months to the day after Dimebag Darrell was murdered on stage during a Damageplan show.

For those of you who somehow don’t understand the significance of this event by now, Dime and Zakk were best friends since they met in 1994 during the Monsters of Rock Festival in Castle Donington…which you younger fuckers would now know to be the Download Festival. Dime played with Pantera and Zakk played with his Southern Rock wannabe band, Pride and Glory. The track “In This River”, while not written about Dime since Mafia was recorded well before he was even murdered, let alone before the album’s release, would subsequently morph into Zakk’s tribute to him. More on that later.

The Night of The Show

As I had mentioned in my Motorhead article/podcast not too long ago, my band had fired me a good week or two before that show in particular. Funny thing is we were still friends afterwards, proving that it can be done. Chad’s friend, who’s name I think was Mike, picked me up in his Jeep with Mafia just BLASTING through the speakers. In the Jeep was Idrees, me, Chad and Mike’s girlfriend, who looked like she was way too pretty for him. Her hair was long, dark and flowing, the type of hair any red-blooded straight male would have way too much fun pulling from behind!

We had a bunch of musical conversations, a lot of them centered around the new album, which I had quickly decided was the best album Black Label had released to date. The songs were far more consistent and even the guitar tunings were consistent for once! What I had also really liked about Mafia was the fact that Zakk had continued the retro sound he’d started with Hangover Music, Vol 6 just a year earlier, with the inclusion of 70’s era synthesizers peppered throughout the album, along with the fact that, by this point, Zakk was probably the only artist I knew of who was still relying on 2-inch tape to record his albums. By the time of Mafia’s release, the last factory that was producing 2-inch tape had ceased production, and you therefore had to special order it if you really wanted to record in the old school way.

Chad appeared to be the one guy not too interested in the album. This was not because he wasn’t a Zakk fan; but rather because two weeks earlier (I think), he’d seen Steve Vai at Starland (this might’ve been his first Starland trip) and it apparently was a hell of a religious experience of sorts to him. So, for a short time, literally nothing else mattered and no one else impressed Chad because he’d just seen God. He worshipped Vai the same way I worshipped Zakk, so I understood. In fact, I tried to get him to hear the guitar solo to a track called “You Must Be Blind“, one of my favorite songs and solos on the record while we were driving to the show, because of its diminished, dissonant nature…he never even paid attention and missed it. Ok, fine.

I tried.

I don’t know if this was the case when I went to see Motorhead since I had gotten in with Dave Lowe before the crowds began to show up; but upon arriving through the front of the building this time, security was very heavy and intense. Everyone was being searched, not just in the corridor before the main room, but even at the entrance. I could only assume that either Zakk demanded that take place, or every venue in the country began doing it. Or both. And all for the same, obvious reason. Either way, this was the night I decided it would be better to never wear my chains to a show again, just because I didn’t want to deal with the hassle again. I don’t have time for that shit.

We’d missed the opening act, which was Nick Bowcott playing Pantera riffs along with a drum machine. Well whoop dee fucking doo! Some of you only know Nick as a major contributor for Guitar World Magazine. Some of us know his…deeper history…and it sucks. Clearly, we didn’t miss much there. But what we did walk in to was a Swedish band called Meldrum, who were in the middle of the single WORST cover of “Walk” I’ve ever heard in my life to this day. On top of this horrid cover, guitarist Michelle Meldrum-Norum, who has since passed away, looked like a fucking Zakk clone, from the hair to the appearance to even her tendency to rest the guitar on her knee…even if she wasn’t doing so to solo like Zakk did. There’s probably a reason I don’t remember anything about their set, and it’s not “just” because more than eighteen years have passed since this show either – it’s because Meldrum sucked balls.

After Meldrum finally fucked off, covers protecting Black Label’s backline had been removed. Craig Nunemacher had a BEAUTIFUL double bass kit with the Mafia artwork on the bass drum skins. I’d seen videos and pictures of this huge wall of Marshalls with no signs of bass amps in sight. But this time, the entire left side contained all Ashdown bass amps. That was a first. Before the lights went down to begin Black Label’s set, there was a couple standing in front of me, but not in my way, as we’d found a good spot on the left side up by the balcony area, behind one of the bars. The cute blonde girl bent backwards, her hair hanging down, as she looked directly at me and sensually signaled for me to come to her.

She gently cupped my ear, still bent backwards in her boyfriend’s arms. I immediately wondered if she was going to tell me that the guy wasn’t her boyfriend and then invite me to fuck her that night! But no, she just was being polite and wanted to know if they were blocking my view, to which I told them they weren’t. You tease…you big fucking tease…

The lights finally died down.

However, instead of the usual air raid siren that the band were known for, the main theme to The Godfather played through the PA, smoke covering the stage. THEN you heard the air raid siren after a minute of silence! New Jersey is where Zakk grew up, so the crowd was ballistic. The band, Craig Nunemacher, James LoMenzo, and future registered sex offender, Nick Catanese would walk on stage and strum a huge A chord before Zakk Fucking Wylde went whammy dive-happy on his Karl Sandoval Polka Dot V Replica, seamlessly, violently transitioning into a blazing solo that lasted a few minutes before breaking into “Stoned and Drunk”.

The Setlist

Stoned and Drunk (The Blessed Hellride)
Destruction Overdrive (The Blessed Hellride)
Been a Long Time (Mafia)
Funeral Bell (The Blessed Hellride)
Suffering Overdue (The Blessed Hellride)
In This River (Mafia)
Suicide Messiah (Mafia)
Demise of Sanity (1919 Eternal)
Spread Your Wings (Mafia)
Zakk’s classical guitar solo spot
Spoke in the Wheel (Sonic Brew)
Fire It Up (Mafia)
Stillborn (The Blessed Hellride)
Genocide Junkies (1919 Eternal)

Pros

Upon watching Black Label’s Broozed, Boozed and Broken Boned DVD, I noticed that you couldn’t really hear Robert Trujillo’s bass if at all, with the exception of one track at the end. But on this night, James LoMenzo’s bass was as clear as Zakk and Nick’s guitars. The band had performed a lot of tracks off of the new album, along with The Blessed Hellride, which I think needed to be done. Black Label never toured for that album because Zakk chose instead to tour with Ozzy that summer, which I still think was a real stupid mistake.

To introduce “In This River”, Zakk showed everyone his guitar of choice for the song. It was a prototype Dean Razorback that was designed by Dimebag Darrell himself, and made with some of Zakk’s trademarks, including the exact EMG pickups he’s used since time immemorial, and his classic bullseye design as the finish. In trying to explain the significance of the guitar, I supposed he was distracted by some people, prompting him to tell the crowd in his oddly New York City-like accent “Yo, shut the fuck up! I’m tryin’ to tell a story!”, before telling the crowd that not only would he never get over Dime’s murder, but that “In This River” would never leave the setlist.

I call bullshit there. When I saw Black Label in 2011 in Manhattan, I was waiting for “In This River”. The band never played it. Explain that one, Zakk!

What was also a welcome surprise was that, while I was waiting for a blistering, ear splitting solo section from Zakk in the middle of the set, in its place was Zakk sitting on his speaker cabinets with a classical acoustic guitar. He began playing on that while the remaining BLS members, along with the members of Meldrum went on stage and played poker.

I can’t make that up.

Interspersed in the solo set were pieces of “Diary of A Madman” and Zakk’s own Ozzy masterpiece, “Mama I’m Coming Home”, which prompted the entire building to sing along while he played. After that was done, he finished this segment with “Spoke In The Wheel”, which began with just Zakk, but ended with the entire band rejoining Zakk on stage so Zakk could solo his ass off some more. But would you believe me if I told you that this is what I found to be the biggest con of the evening?

Cons

Ok, Zakk’s playing, as usual, was loud, violent, precise, muscular, aggressive, intense. You name it, that’s Zakk’s style. But Zakk did not NEED to perform long ass, extended solos in between songs and even during songs. This is where shit got redundant. Seriously. I get that maybe Zakk might’ve seen it as his nightly tribute to his best friend, as it was increasingly, visibly taking its toll on him. And believe me girls, the drinking didn’t help one bit. But if you’re not going to change up the style even just a little, it’s going to get boring.

The only other con, while not a big deal at all, is that I would’ve loved to have heard more tracks from other albums. I understand that The Blessed Hellride and Mafia were his two most popular releases at that point in time (Mafia would actually go on to sell 250,000 copies); but his other albums had some amazing tracks that should’ve been revisited. He eventually would, just not on this night.

If I recall, after we all left, we were waiting for Mike to see if he was able to give his handbuilt guitar to Zakk after the show. I don’t believe he was successful; but Chad, if you’re reading this, since you did find my blog in 2020, feel free to lend me your insight if you remember anything, and let me know if he was successful or not. Also, let me know if I’m right about his name being Mike. Thanks! But what I do remember is that, on the way home, Mike reminisced about the night in 2002 when BLS played the Stone Pony in Asbury Park. He confirmed what I already knew, which was that show was far more chaotic, and added that he saw multiple cars being pulled over by the police for drunk driving before any of those people could even leave the immediate area.

Bried Update on Lift with Hatred T Shirts

If you’ve been following me on Instagram – and I could give two shits if you do, trust me – you might’ve seen stories and posts that indicate that I’m actually making it happen. After years of just thinking about it I’m finally putting together my own line of Weightlifting meets Extreme Metal themed shirts for your disgust! I received a test copy just yesterday and realized immediately that it needs to be adjusted. So, stay tuned for more information as this story progresses. Or don’t.

Lift with Hatred: The Philosophy

Posted on by Mike

I came up with the idea for Lift with Hatred, possibly in 2016. I wrote my first article about it in 2018; but I never came up with a real philosophy or lifestyle behind the idea. But after being inspired by a lethal combination of caffeine and the hideous site of people while training, I have finally created one, coming up with things and typing them up on posts in my Instagram profile so I wouldn’t forget. Read the following and see if you belong…

The Philosophy

Lift With Hatred because you eternally hate yourself and the way you look. You see men and women with unhealthy, fat bodies and you know you can do way better. You also refuse to let everyone else drag you down to their level of mediocrity as a means to quell their own insecurities.

Nothing screams “I’m a lazy fuck” more than the phrase “I don’t have the time”. Oh? You sure had the time to get blackout drunk with your jerk off friends and totally embarrass yourself in front of girls that would never fuck you anyway. You sure had the time to go out with your soccer mom girlfriends (and not the hot ones either!) and drink more white wine and then complain that you’re getting fatter.

You sure had the time prioritize anything else that was probably worthless and brought you several steps closer to becoming even more pathetic than your parents. That’s why in ten years, while you’re all fat and absolutely HORRID looking, I of all people will be far stronger and able to take care of myself than all of you. I’ll probably still be a great fuck too!

So go ahead, keep saying you don’t have the time to get your fat asses and some kind of shape. Do me the fucking favor and die off so I don’t have to look at you. Really, it’s ok!

Lift With Hatred because you hate people. You hate people because they’ve absolutely wronged you or their mere stupidity and/or presence alone absolutely DISGUSTS you.

Lift With Hatred because getting your anger out of your system by punishing your body is far better for your arrest record. It’d be fun to run some piece of shit down with your car, or even take a baseball bat to some stupid cunt; but you simply can’t afford to go to prison just yet.

Lift With Hatred by leaving your commercial fitness center behind. Find a more intimate setting – an actual GYM, even if it’s half the size of your soon-to-be former fitness center, where you will no longer be targeted for training with intensity and with purpose. Find a gym so you won’t ever again be accused of “slamming the weights” just because you pulled more weight than everyone else there. Find a gym so no one will stare at you for being “loud”, not because you were just grunting for the sake of grunting, but because you happened to challenge yourself and just maybe lift something neither you ever lifted before, or that they ever will because they don’t understand the concept of EFFORT.

Lift With Hatred by either surrounding yourself with greatness – another reason to join a real gym – or take all that anger, frustration, violence and rage, and channel it into a singular, laser sharp focus. Tune out every single annoying voice in the place; or maybe you’re fortunate enough to have your own gym at home with all the necessary basic equipment (bench, power rack, some sturdy bars and several plates). All your sights should now be set on that bar on your shoulders, over your head, or on the ground, all waiting to test you. Chalk up – gloves are for pussies after all! Choke the life out of the bar as if it’s someone’s neck. Squeeze tighter than you ever have in your entire life.

Is this you? Do you think you’re worthy? Tell me if you think you’re worthy, and why in the comments.

Brief Sidenote: This main picture above is actually a rough draft for a potential Lift with Hatred shirt.

Buy The Fucking Record!

Posted on by Mike

It’s been brought to my attention via e-mail that the cost of my premium subscription to Spotify will be increasing in less than two months. I don’t believe it’s going to affect me too much, as what the cost will be is not even a dollar above what I currently pay. With my subscription also comes Hulu, which I partially rely on for TV, as I “cut the cord” more than four years ago.

Fuck cable.

It was a day later, however, that I read a Metal Injection article which indicated – not surprisingly – that, while the fees are going up, artists royalties are to remain the same. In fact, it’s also been brought to my attention over the years that the royalties artists receive via Spotify alone are actually disgraceful. How disgraceful you ask? The traditional, long-standing royalty rate a typical artist receives in terms of record sales is $00.08 per record sold, eight measly cents. Spotify’s royalty rate per regular stream?

Anywhere between $0.003 to $0.005.

That’s pretty fucking bad last time I checked. But hey, at least Apple music pays their artists up to a penny per stream, right? Anyone? That’s no way for any artist below megastar caliber to live. There’s a reason why there are so many bands these days that, despite possibly having all the potential in the world, call it quits eventually. This goes for ALL genres of music, by the way.

This is also another instance in which I will ABSOLUTELY point the finger to my generation, the ones who, in an act of self-righteousness act like their time was the pinnacle of society. By the way, it wasn’t. The mp3 format was invented in 1989, a whole decade earlier than I previously thought. It was in 1999 that jackass of the year Sean Fanning along with Sean Parker created Napster. It was a slow, steady build, leading to mass popularity within not even a year. The purpose of Napster? It was essentially “digital tape trading”.

Sounds good on paper, sure. But the difference was, with traditional tape trading, which I definitely partook in, record sales were still a thing. What Napster did was enable users, using the concept of “peer-to-peer file sharing”, to upload and download music in the form of mp3 files for anyone to take. And THAT is what disrupted record sales for the first time, paving the way for the slow bleed of record sales across the fucking board.

Most people I knew turned their backs on Metallica after Lars decided to sue Napster in the summer of 2000. I, along with most, already had turned my back on Metallica not too long before this, when I realized that their first four records were the end all be all, while their mid-late 90’s output was pure, weak shit in comparison. I understood however, as someone who thought he wanted a career in music, exactly why Lars was suing. If new music was really being leaked before it could properly be released, allowing everyone to download it, no one would buy anything. One poignant piece of information Lars pointed out in his testimony to the Senate Judiciary Committee was that, while they were doing just fine from a fiscal standpoint (and still are), most artists beneath them were barely scraping by. While selling 100,000 was peanuts to Metallica by that point, that same number would be a MILESTONE for any underground band or artist.

My brother had Napster on the computer we had at our father’s house. One day, without even asking my thoughts on the subject, he just proclaimed in disgust, in an even more disgusting Brooklyn accent “I can’t believe you don’t like Napster!”. Believe it fuckface! But it’s also easy to be for any kind downloading if you aren’t a musician. And the reason I spoke so much about Napster here is because Napster co-creator Sean Parker decided to invest in Spotify in 2010, a year after the company’s inception, because he felt they were continuing Napster’s legacy.

But hey, want to know a secret? Want to know how you – yes you! – can help make even a splatter of a difference.

Ready…?

You sure…?

Really sure…?

Ok here comes….

BUY THE FUCKING RECORD YOU FUCKING CHEAP FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you’re reading this, you are a Metalhead who probably does this already, or I hope your ass does. But for the rest of you: do you really like an artist? Do you really want that artist to succeed? Has said artist or band made such an impact on your life that you don’t know what you’d do if they disappeared tomorrow? BUY THE FUCKING RECORD! I don’t give a shit if you but a cassette, CD, vinyl. Fuck, go to any metal show in some shithole bar and you might find bands selling cassettes of their music along with digital download cards.

For those of you who are not metalheads, consider this: an artist’s livelihood depends on record sales first and foremost. I don’t want to hear about touring and merchandise, especially since labels now offer 360 deals in which they literally take money from EVERYTHING the artist does, including selling merchandise. The artist’s ability to stay on any label has always been dependent on if the sales numbers are good. If those numbers drop more and more, the label has no reason to keep that artist.

Quick Tips

Before I go here’s some advice. It’s not a big deal to use streaming services such as Spotify and Apple Music to discover new artists. That’s what I’ve done in the past, even going back to the Napster days. It’s how I first heard key tracks off of Rust in Peace. But guess what I did afterwards? I BOUGHT THE FUCKING RECORD. I discovered Nails through Spotify in 2015, a year before they released You Will Never Be One Of Us, their most important album to date. But after I heard them in 2015 and shat myself, I BOUGHT BOTH OF THEIR FUCKING RECORDS. Go ahead and look for new music; but if you find something that truly HITS YOU, support that artist.

And speaking of Megadeth, another thing you can do, especially if you want to outright get rid of streaming, is to do what I did in 2018. Get yourself an mp3 player and transfer your music onto the player, that way you have at your disposal the music YOU want to hear, not just what Spotify or Apple Music has. Case in point: I unconditionally DESPISE the remix jobs Mustaine did with Rust in Peace though Youthanasia in 2003. But only those remixes are what’s available on Spotify now, not the originals. However, with my music transferred to my tiny little Sandisk, I can hear those aforementioned records in all their TRUE glory any time I want!

Redemption!…Sort Of…: Jerry Cantrell Live at the Wellmont Theater, Montclair, NJ 3/11/23

Posted on by Mike

It’s rare for me to able to see a show in my neck of the woods anymore, even though I live significantly closer to this venue than The Borgata in Atlantic City, which is where I last saw Jerry play. I haven’t been to too many shows lately; but outside of my last time seeing Black Label, most of the shows I’ve been to required me to travel. And keep in mind again, I didn’t attend too many shows between 2019 and now. I also am hesitant about seeing musicians twice on the same tour because I’ve heard stories regarding their inability to change things up. Zakk had that ability, hands down. I saw him live three times in 2005 and each time was DRASTICALLY different!

By the way, we’ll be getting around to him again real soon.

But nevertheless, I just to give this a go. It’s Jerry after all, and this was the final leg of the Brighten tour. My understanding is Alice are to reconvene soon so they can record their follow up to 2018’s Rainier Fog. This time they had a different opening band, an all-female group calling themselves Thuderpussy, not to be confused with Alabama Thunderpussy.

Thunderpussy began their set with guitarist Molly Sides playing a guitar propped up on a stand with a violin bow. I was a tad taken aback by that, as that was EXACTLY how Tyler Bates opened up Jerry’s set and encore in Atlantic City when I saw him previously. So, was this to mean Tyler wouldn’t be doing that tonight or even on this leg of the tour at all? Stay tuned to find out, girls!

The rest of the band walked on stage, and they began to play, their music reminding me of a modern-day Heart if Ann Wilson circa-1976 transcended time somehow. There were undeniable traces of Led Zep and Allman Brothers in their music peppered throughout. As if the violin bow on the guitar didn’t immediately give that away! Whitney Petty can sing her ass off. And she knows how to physically express herself on stage in a way that’s equal parts provocative and elegant.

There was one point that I do have on film, in which Whiteny is on her knees. Molly walks to Whitney and begins to lean over Whitney, Whiteny leaning back for her like they were going to kiss. HOT. Even hotter? Finding out later on that they are in fact a couple, and that the band are ALL lesbians. And I’m not even talking about the K.D. Lang/Indigo Girls style of butch dyke. I’m talking the hot lesbian type – the type I almost forgot existed!

So, between Thunderpussy’s kick ass live show – because their album, while not bad at all, sadly is a gross misrepresentation of the band! – and their physical performance, I’m convinced I want to fuck every member of Thunderpussy. Hard. I’ll fuck one while the three other members scissor each other while waiting their turns! I’ll make it work!

Did I ever mention I love lesbians?

Now for Jerry’s set!

Tyler Bates did in fact open up with the violin bow on the guitar. I guess there’s a theme here. I knew by the fact that he was bowing in the key of F that Jerry was going to open up with “Atone” and I was pretty much right. Before I continue, here’s the set list. All songs are solo songs unless noted otherwise:

Atone

Psychotic Break

Them Bones (Alice In Chains)

Siren Song

Cut You In

My Song

Check My Brain (Alice In Chains)

Black Hearts and Evil Done

Between

Angel Eyes

No Excuses (Alice In Chains)

Lesson Learned (Alice In Chains)

Man In The Box (Alice In Chains)

Would?

Encore

Whale And Wasp (Alice In Chains)

Brighten

Down In A Hole (Alice In Chains)

Rooster (Alice In Chains)

Goodbye (Elton John)

Notice a difference compared to last show, if you read about my last time seeing Jerry? More on that in a minute. The three-song opener was somewhat similar to the previous show, with “Psychotic Break” and “Them Bones” appearing early. One thing I noticed right away was his organ player. This time around, he took Lola Colette, his opener from last year with him as part of the band this time. Lola’s presence was made apparent almost immediately, not “just” because I was sitting in the middle of the building this time, but because Jerry had her playing organ on “Them Bones”. So, this wasn’t a situation where she was going to step back during the Alice tracks, Jerry made sure she’d be part of the show. And I have to say, while I understand Jerry wanted to do something different, organs and Alice In Chains songs go as well together as rock and rap ever did.

But this is a minor complaint.

The good news was that I was able to hear the entire band this time. The bad news is that I was able to hear Greg Puciato this time. I said it. Fuck, what was Jerry thinking to take Gil Sharone’s advice?? Greg was so pitchy, and so fucking WHINY! Greg, please, stick to sacrificing your body jumping off balconies. But the important part of this show was that this time around Jerry played a LOT more solo material than he did last year. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean he did a deep dive of his previous two albums. He in fact performed the exact same tracks for those two records that he performed last time. But when I heard “Siren Song”, which I’ve dubbed “Breaks My Back Pt.2”, I was pleasantly optimistic. I also thought it would’ve been one hell of an opportune time to break out “Breaks My Back”! He did preform about 90% of Brighten, however. That alone was a major step up because any time Jerry plays solo is a rare privilege. I might be wrong, but I feel like he toured for this album longer than he did for Degradation Trip back in 2002.

The energy in the place also was MILES ahead of the crowd at the Borgata. I didn’t need to be told it would be, as Montclair, being in northern New Jersey, is essentially in the shadow of New York Shitty. Therefore, there was definitely a mixed, yet equally rowdy crowd. I even bumped into someone I hadn’t seen in almost a decade, while walking to the back of the line. Jerry himself even commented that we were “the best crowd on the tour so far!”.

That energy was made apparent when, for the start of the encore, Jerry had broken into “Whale and Wasp”, the gorgeously depressing instrumental off of Alice’s 1994 EP, Jar of Flies. No one could’ve expected that. I know he performed it in 2019 in Seattle, before he even announced he was even writing a solo record, but that was a completely different situation. So this was a treat! When he broke out “Down In A Hole”, one of Alice’s greatest songs of ALL TIME, the entire crowd, minus a few, joined in one big singalong. The only thing that damaged the moment was Greg’s WHINY bitch vocals. I will never forgive Greg Puciato for that or for even having any kind of a career.

Upon leaving after Jerry’s final performance of the classic Elton John track “Goodbye”, I walked out of there feeling like he might’ve actually listened. The biggest complaint of the tour’s previous leg was addressed – he played more solo shit this time instead of turning his band into an Alice cover band! Fuck yes! I just wish he performed more material from the previous solo records. They could’ve proven to be an interesting challenge for the rest of the band, and even for Jerry. We’re talking tracks that, before 2019, he hadn’t performed for the better part of two decades!

So, with Jerry poised to record with Alice again, the question remains: will he ever record or even perform solo material again? I guess only time will tell…

“No, No, No, God’s A Lot Taller!”: Motorhead Live at Starland Ballroom, March 9th, 2005

Posted on by Mike

I knew it’d take a while for me to get to covering this show; I simply didn’t realize it’d take me more than two years since I wrote about my previous concert experience leading up to this point, which took place just four months prior. But in the case of this particular experience, there are a few moving parts here. I’ll get to that momentarily. But any time from here on in that I write about any of my experiences seeing Motorhead live, there will forever be a big hint of melancholy running through my mind, primarily because Lemmy’s gone. And this article will prove difficult for me to convey my thoughts, and you’ll eventually figure out why.

Let’s set the stage, shall we??

Not too long after I began hosting my college radio show, Ali, alumni volunteer host of Ali’s Little Corner of The World, which aired directly before my show on Thursday afternoons, informed me that her boyfriend was a singer in a New Jersey-based Metal band called Arctic Flame. Ali also is one of the two DJ’s who trained me, which means a lot to me even more than eighteen years later because I widely viewed her and the other guy who trained me to be THE two best DJ’s in the entire station at that time. If I’m not mistaken, she’d asked me if I wanted a copy of his band’s unreleased Jack Frost-produced demo to possibly play on my radio show, since we had that freedom at the time. I’d also invited her to see my band play within the next few weeks at Dock St aka the biggest shithole on that dump of an island.

A good week or two before the show, Ali let me know that her boyfriend would be at the show to pick her up, as I’d be driving her there, and because he apparently wanted to meet me. No, I have no pictures from that show, or I would’ve made a whole separate post on that alone. I just remember, if I’m not mistaken that we performed two shows, one that Saturday night, and another the next night. Ali was front and center; and as we said our goodbyes at the end or our set, she was talking with a man wearing glasses with thick, black hair. Dave Lowe has just shown up right before we wrapped up our set, so he missed everything. But the four of us, meaning Dave and Ali, myself and a former friend of mine who I’ll never mention because he doesn’t deserve to have his name spoken, went to get food at the now-defunct Mike’s Place on New Dorp Lane (it may be closed; but the Greek son of a bitch bought nearly every other diner on the Island since that time).

In short, we bonded very quickly over all things Metal and fake wrestling – and I mean to the point that Ali to this day tells her now-husband that he took her friend away from her!

Sorry Ali.

Not too long after this meeting, Dave called me up and invited me to go with him to see his band open up for Motorhead at the Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, NJ. A week or two later, that aforementioned former friend of mine and I went to Dave’s job in the mall to buy tickets. It just took my friend telling Dave that “he’s ready to play the game!” for Dave to immediately take an envelope out of his pocket with a smirk on his face. If you watched fake wrestling at the time, then I don’t need to explain how those two understood each other with that statement, clever as it was…and mark-ish as it was.

Now that the history’s out of the way….

On the evening of March 9th, Dave picked me up at my house to head out to Starland Ballroom in Sayreville NJ, to see a PACKED bill. Arctic Flame were the openers to be followed by Zeke, Brand New Sin, Corrosion of Conformity and of course, Motorhead. This would be my first time in Sayreville since I lived there for 5 seconds when I was 15. This would in fact be my first time in this building under the Starland name because, the last time I was anywhere near that building, I was living just seconds away from it and it was a techno club called Hunka Bunka Ballroom.

Also with Dave was a 15-year-old kid named Derek, who happened to live on his block. This kid looked awfully familiar, when I suddenly remembered seeing him in one of the pictures from my first Vangaurd gig just over a month earlier. Quite a bit had changed since that show. The biggest change?

I was fired from the band two weeks prior to this show. Funny enough, while I was initially pissed off, I actually felt relieved afterwards. The band would regret their decision almost immediately, but that’s a story for another time, nothing major though.

Because Derek and I arrived with Dave, we were able to get in and actually watch Motorhead do their soundcheck.

Let me say that again so it registers…..

WE WATCHED PHIL CAMPBELL, MICKEY DEE, AND LEMMY FUCKING KILMISTER DO THEIR SOUNDCHECK.

My first memories of Starland Ballroom will always be Derek and I walking in to feeling the floors vibrate to the point that it felt like the earth was about to fucking split open. I couldn’t put my ear plugs in quick enough! The PA speakers were tied together, and there were all three guys tearing ass on stage. To be just a matter of feet away from Lemmy Kilmister was like being in front of God, Yahweh, Muhammed and Allah all in one speed-addled, facial wart infested, hot mess playing a Rickenbacker bass.

After destroying about 200% of my hearing (and me loving every moment of it!), Lemmy and Phil broke out acoustic guitars to rehearse what was supposed to be their encore. I’ll explain my wording later on. They played “Whorehouse Blues”, a track off Inferno, the album they were touring for at the time. After they finished that track Derek and I immediately applauded and rooted them on. “Thank you, thank you very much.”, Lemmy immediately replied. I couldn’t help but yell out “Lemmy, you’re a fucking GOD!”. His response?

“No, no, no, God’s a lot taller!”

I will always remember that to the day I finally get my wish and die.

Following that brief, yet life changing verbal exchange, Lemmy walked over to take pictures with the hot, fake-titted bimbo bartenders. Derek suggested we go over to him right now. I suggested that we wait at least a minute or two and let him finish with the bimbos, that way we don’t come off as fangirls. He then walked away. We assumed he’d be right back. The band couldn’t possibly be finished with soundcheck, right?? Well, within moments, the club started letting people in and I found myself feeling like a total dipshit as I apologized profusely to Derek.

And Derek, if you ever somehow come across this article and accompanying podcast, I’m STILL so fucking sorry!

As mentioned earlier, Arctic Flame would be the first band on. Dave seriously had a set of pipes on him. Their style was more Power Metal, which I’ve never really liked; but just shut the fuck up and listen to Dave’s opening wail on this track! The band received a very good response from the crowd overall.

Next up was Zeke, a Punk band from Seattle. I’m extremely selective with my Punk music, but Zeke were really fun. I was very impressed by the band’s ability to stop right in the middle of certain songs so their guitarist could break out pieces of the a cappella guitar solo to Led Zeppelin’s “Heartbreaker”. You know the one. If not, you know nothing about music. Regardless, he was very selective of which songs he’d use to break out those fragments. And you either knew what he was doing – as I sure did! – or you were as fucking clueless as most of my high school graduating class. I would see the band’s bassist, Jeff Matz again. Only next time, it’d be with High on Fire in late 2007 in Webster Hall.

Up next were Southern Metal band Brand New Sin. I remember thinking that Corrosion were going on stage, until I saw Joe Alter hit the stage. I think Chuck, their bassist looked like Mike Dean. That’s probably why. After that, I remember absolutely nothing about the band’s set. That sucks because I actually like them. I would be able to see them again before year’s end at the same venue, where they’d be opening up for Black Label Society.

Next up were Corrosion of Conformity. The place was getting packed at this point. I had a good spot behind this younger kid with a leather jacket and sleeveless denim vest much like mine, although I simply didn’t wear mine on this night because it was cold as balls out that night. This would be my first of two times seeing Corrosion live. But there were two noticeable differences between both times I saw the band. On this night, Mike Dean looked a LOT cleaner cut, whereas when I saw him a decade later, he looked a lot more like Dr. Brown from the Back to the Future Trilogy. The other difference? The band were five years into a decade-long period where Reed Mullin wasn’t in the band.

I don’t remember too much about this set, except for the fact the Mike turned out to be an EXTRAORDINARY bassist, and that the band were on tour for their yet to be released album, In the Arms of God, meaning they’d be playing a few of those tracks on this night. They broke out the track “Paranoid Opioid”, which told me all I needed to know about this yet-to-be-released album. Funny thing is, when Pepper Keenan announced the title of the song, he introduced it by saying “This is off our new album that’s coming out next month, but y’all probably already downloaded it”. Most probably did. I actually bought it upon its release and wasn’t surprised one bit that it was just DRIPPING of Sabbath worship, which only started once Pepper joined the band in the early 90’s.

After Corrosion left the stage, more people started to push their way through to the center of the floor and beyond. It wasn’t too long of a wait, if I’m not mistaken. As the lights went out, the crown lost their fucking minds before any of the guys in Motorhead even stepped on stage. Lemmy walks out…

“Hello, we’re Motorhead. We play Rock ‘N’ Roll…” was the Johnny Cash-like intro he gave, as he cooly flicked a cigarette into the crowd. Mickey counts to four….

The whole fucking place EXPLODED. Megadeth four months ago had NOTHING on this. And that fucking docile kid that stood in front me? He woke up right the fuck on cue, his Mexican Jumping Bean like moves causing the back of his head to headbutt me right in the goddamn nose – the second time I was hit in the fucking nose! And just like at that last concert four months prior, I lost my spot, the crowd forcefully shoving my skinny ass out and back so they can all pay worship to Lemmy.

The Setlist:

  1. Doctor Rock
  2. Stay Clean
  3. Shoot You in the Back
  4. Love Me Like a Reptile
  5. Killers
  6. Metropolis
  7. Over the Top
  8. No Class
  9. I Got Mine
  10. In the Name of Tragedy
  11. Dancing on Your Grave
  12. R.A.M.O.N.E.S.
  13. Sacrifice
  14. Just ‘Cos You Got the Power
  15. Going to Brazil
  16. Killed by Death
  17. Iron Fist

Encore:

  1. Whorehouse Blues
  2. Ace of Spades

Lemmy’s thunderous Rickenbastard bass, plugged into a wall of old, beat-up Marshall heads, torn through the entire room as everyone acted the craziest I’d ever seen up to that point in my life. My first Crowbar experience comes very close, although unlike the at the Crowbar show, the crowd didn’t partake in one room sized fist fight.

Remember earlier when I said Motorhead were “supposed” to do an encore? It started off just as I’d said, with Lemmy and Phil breaking out acoustic guitars to play “Whorehouse Blues”. After that, they plugged back in and tore through “Ace of Spades”, the one song everyone had been waiting for. And the crowd sure didn’t disappoint, let me tell you. If you’re somehow new to Motorhead, the album of the same name is absolute required listening. Not up for debate. After “‘Spades”, they left the stage and we all assumed they’d be back in a minute for more. Instead, Lemmy walked out without his bass and told the sound guy that the show was over, that Mickey was apparently taking a huge shit. “No really that’s it, it’s over”, Lemmy said as the house lights gradually came back up. Everyone was let down, but I doubt anyone was too pissed off. They just saw fucking Motorhead.

Dave drove us all home afterwards, dropping off Derek first, I think, since he had school the next morning. Dave and I got sandwiches and ate in his car (Ali I swear that’s all we did!) and talked about our musical backgrounds and music, my desire to start a new band after being dismissed, and how this show light a fire under my ass. I’d go on to see Motorhead one more time after this, but that was more than three years away.

I need to thank Dave Lowe for his help in verifying key parts of this story, because I didn’t remember everything and this is THE hardest article I’ve written to date. These days Dave can currently be heard on the Warped Reality Podcast, available on Spotify. You can also click here to see all the shit he has on his Link Tree, including a 2007 live clip of Arctic Flame at the now-defunct B.B. King’s.

All Hail Riff God: Jerry Cantrell Live At The Music Box at Borgata, Atlantic City, NJ April 2nd, 2022

Posted on by Mike

It had been nearly twelve years since I last saw Jerry Cantrell alongside Alice In Chains in Madison Square Garden. Before that I’d seen Alice months earlier at Terminal 5. THAT show was an absolute religious experience, as well as a dream come true. NO ONE ever imagined that Alice would ever get back together following the death of lead singer Layne Staley. It’s hard, even now, to describe how surreal their return was and still is.

But then there’s Jerry’s solo career. See, there’s a reason his solo career holds a major significance in my life: because if it weren’t for hearing “Cut You In” I would’ve never bought Boggy Depot. If I never bought Boggy Depot I would’ve never been floored by not just the intensity of his rhythm and lead guitar style, but especially his songwriting. And if it wasn’t for any of that, I would’ve never given Alice In Chains a chance.

In my formative years, while my friends in high school were busy sucking Cobain’s dick long after he blew his brains out, I was enamored in everything involving the one Seattle guitarist that was overshadowed by, yet far more talented than that bitch. You’re reading that correctly for anyone who’s new this blog:

Fuck Kurt Cobain and anybody that looks like him. Read that again so it sinks in.

Jerry, along with Zakk, Dimebag, Mustaine and Iommi, had a MAJOR impact on my guitar playing and he still does today. With Boggy Depot, I worshipped Jerry when people either were unaware of him or simply didn’t give a shit. To this day that’s a crime.

That’s why I was looking more forward to this than I was when I saw him twice with Alice. I was FAR more excited for this than I was to see Zakk a few months ago! This was bound to be special because we all knew he’d break out songs that we, his TRUE fans, never thought we’d hear again. And he sure didn’t fail to deliver, although there was something about this that had me wondering, which I’ll eventually get around to discussing.

The Music Box, the Borgata Casino venue in which Jerry played was significantly smaller than what I imagined. It was far more intimate, which meant I’d be able to go to the front of the stage, which I did. That’s when I found this:

Tell me that isn’t sexy.

You bet your ass I was tempted to at least touch that wah pedal, but I chose not to.

The opener was Lola Collette, who’s sound is decidedly…different…from what you’d expect from someone opening for someone like Jerry Cantrell. She’s very talented, don’t get me wrong. But she does sound like she would’ve fared better in the mid 90’s. I can only imagine that she got the gig thanks to her history with Tyler Bates, Jerry co-guitarist for this tour. She’s a multi-instrumentalist, playing bass, guitar and one hell of a piano. But let’s just say that, even with that big nose of hers she received equal parts applause for her music and cat calls.

Then he came on…

The Setlist:

Your Decision (Alice In Chains/Black Gives Way To Blue)

Between (Boggy Depot)

Brighten (Brighten)

Them Bones (Alice In Chains/Dirt)

Psychotic Break (Degradation Trip)

Cut You In (Boggy Depot)

My Song (Boggy Depot)

Siren Song (Brighten)

No Excuses (Alice In Chains/Jar Of Flies)

Black Gives Way To Blue (Alice In Chains/Black Gives Way To Blue)

Had To Know (Brighten)

Heaven Beside You (Alice In Chains/Alice In Chains)

Prism Of Doubt (Brighten)

Angel Eyes (Degradation Trip)

Would? (Alice In Chains/Dirt)

Encore

Atone (Brighten)

Man In The Box (Alice In Chains/Facelift)

Rooster (Alice In Chains/Dirt)

Goodbye (Elton John/Madman Across The Water)

The Pros

I was never a fan of The Dillinger Escape Plan; but being in Jerry’s band has certainly provided Greg Puciato a chance to show what he’s capable of doing outside of his former band. No diving off of balconies or off stages into the ocean here! He was a tad pitchy at times, but you could FEEL his passion and energy and I now understand why Dillinger drummer Gil Sharrone urged Jerry to reach out to Greg. Greg was given the lead for “Them Bones”, “Man In The Box” and “Rooster” and he did things that not even current Alice singer William DuVall can do.

Jerry took advantage of his expanded band, which included a lap steel guitarist and a piano player to not only perform several tracks off Brighten, but to also pull out rarely heard Alice tracks. I never thought I’d EVER hear “Heaven Beside You” live! I certainly didn’t expect Alice to ever perform “Black Gives Way To Blue” live, and I honestly wish he didn’t pull it out last week. As of 2019, “Black…” is one of two tracks that trigger memories of my now deceased brother, so it was the last thing I needed to hear in a crowd that big.

As you can see in the video, he sure had a funny way of singling out everyone who wasn’t standing. I imagine everyone just wanted to absorb this ULTRA RARE moment of seeing Jerry in a solo capacity again, but he just was not having it. Jerry himself was in top form. His voice was incredibly strong and his guitar playing was fucking God-like. Everything he did looked absolutely effortless. Everything. I said it before, and I’ll say it again: YOU DON’T NEED TO BE A STEVE VAI LEVEL GUITARIST (No disrespect to Steve Vai!) TO CONNECT WITH YOUR AUDIENCE!!!!!!!!

The Cons

Notice how many Alice songs are on this setlist. This is an actual complaint a lot of people are making. I loved this show. I get that Jerry had a golden opportunity to pull out certain Alice songs and he took full advantage. But on the flipside, he had a HUGE opportunity to perform a deep dive of his solo albums – one of which is a double album (Degradation Trip)!!! – and he didn’t. I loved hearing “Psychotic Break” and “Angel Eyes” live. But it would’ve been a real treat to have heard “Hellbound”, “Spiderbite” or even “Pig”.

That’s just a minor complaint from me though. What matters more than anything else is that this was a very rare privilege. So, if you’re one of those YouTubers bitching that he allegedly didn’t sound good or he didn’t play enough of his own solo shit, just go get a fucking sex change already, you fucking cunts.

Black Label Society Live At The Wellmont Theater…Or Why Zakk Wylde Is An Icon, November 10th, 2021

Posted on by Mike

I’ll make no bones about it: I idolize the shit out of Zakk Wylde. I’ve done so probably since I first got my hands on Ozzy’s 1995 album Ozzmosis. His guitar was LOUD. His speed picking style added muscularity to his playing. His vibrato was wide and unusually vocal. Those fucking pinch harmonics. Then there’s his songwriting. Zakk will never deny that he’s a disciple of Black Sabbath, and he’ll let it shine, but with his own, explosive twist.

Upon learning that Black Label Society were arriving in my neck of the woods I knew I’d be there. I hadn’t seen Zakk since I went to see Zakk Sabbath, his Black Sabbath tribute band at the Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, NJ. But this time he’d be not even twenty minutes away from me, AND he’s promoting Doom Crew, Inc., Black Label’s first album in over three years.

Considering he’s been calling his band and his LOYAL followers the Doom Crew, Inc. for YEARS, I’m very surprised he never gave that title to an earlier album. Either way, here’s my take on last night’s show, with featured openers Prong and Death Metal legends Obituary.

Prong

Before I continue I want to make clear that I didn’t take countless photos of every band. I took a necessary few and then I’d enjoy the show like a normal person pre-smart phones.

Having said that, I’d suspected Prong would be the first band. Therefore, I absolutely took my time getting to the show, making sure to eat while on the way. Upon my arrival to the Wellmont Theater, Prong were most likely halfway through with their set. That made me happy because ladies, Prong sucks. That “New York style” of playing nonchalant, almost Hardcore sounding music never appealed to me. I honestly found it annoying and self-righteous, and still do. The single most annoying thing about the band last night?

Any time Tommy Victor opened his mouth.

The irony of my being a native of New York City who hates that fucking accent. Any time he talked, any time he sang, the irritation grew stronger. And I could tell that a good chunk of last night’s audience had to have come from any of the five boroughs (mostly Staten Island and Brooklyn if I were to guess). I really got annoyed when he was introducing “Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck”, Prong’s signature song.

“Come on ev’rybody! SNAP YA FINGIZZZ!”, he yelled out while attempting to open up a pit in the general admission section. I had a really good view from my balcony seat and I really wish I was able to shoot him in the face. His accent was that fucking obnoxious!

Obituary

I have to admit, while I am clearly familiar with Obituary, I never really delved too much into their catalog. I do remember my college radio station receiving their 2005 comeback album, Frozen In Time, in which they managed to get Randy Burns out of retirement to produce it. I guess it matches the album title, huh? I did hear upon buying tickets to this show that the band were really kicking ass every night. Now I was actually looking forward to seeing this for myself and, thankfully, I was not disappointed.

I’d made two videos because I’d accidentally stop filming during their instrumental opener in which vocalist John Tardy has yet to come out. I then noticed that the bassist looked awful familiar to me. As I’d previously mentioned, I don’t follow them. Therefore, I’d zero clue that Terry Butler had apparently been the band’s bassist since 2010. For those of you who don’t know, Terry also played bass for Massacre and, subsequently, Death’s second and third albums, 1989’s Leprosy and 1990’s Spiritual Healing. He’d later backstab Chuck Schuldiner when he and the rest of Death toured Europe without Chuck’s permission or knowledge.

Obituary were filled with endless energy. John Tardy’s screech vocals were just as badass as they ever were. Their version of Death Metal is decidedly more on the Thrash side, not as technical as Death were. I wonder if that’s why I didn’t care too much for them. I never hated them.

They did surprise the shit out of me when the pulled out an absolutely badass cover of Celtic Frost’s classic “Circle Of Tyrants”. Overall I was very impressed.

Black Label Society

As Obituary were finishing, BLS’s crew raised a big curtain adorning the band’s logo…as in before Obituary even walked off stage. That was weird. Either way you knew that once the band got on stage the curtain would drop, blah blah, blah.

After a decent wait time, the lights finally dimmed, followed by an audio mashup of Ozzy’s “War Pigs” vocals over the music to Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love”. At the end the band hit a quick staccato ending that’d segue into the beginning pulses of “Bleed For Me”. It was once the song kicked into full gear that the big curtain finally dropped to show Zakk and his co-guitarist, Dario Lorina performing Zakk’s signature sideways headbang in unison.

The Setlist

  • Bleed For Me (1919 Eternal)
  • Demise Of Sanity (1919 Eternal)
  • Overlord (Order Of The Black)
  • Heart Of Darkness (Catacombs Of The Black Vatican)
  • A Love Unreal (Grimmest Hits)
  • The Blessed Hellride (The Blessed Hellride)
  • Spoke In The Wheel (Sonic Brew) *
  • In This River (Mafia) *
  • Trampled Down Below (Grimmest Hits)
  • Destruction Overdrive (The Blessed Hellride)
  • Set You Free (Doom Crew, Inc.)
  • Fire It Up (Mafia)
  • Suicide Messiah (Mafia)
  • Stillborn (The Blessed Hellride)

* For these tracks Zakk sat behind his electric piano while Dario handled the leads.

This was my seventh time seeing Black Label since Ozzfest 2004 and my eighth time seeing Zakk overall. And he never appears to lose energy, ESPECIALLY now that he’s been sober for twelve years. I first noticed his playing style change a lot upon seeing him in 2011, my first time seeing him in his sober state. He was also very willing to give Dario multiple chances throughout the night to show off his own abilities, something I noticed the first time I saw Dario with the band at the Rock Carnival in 2015. On the track “Set You Free” off the new record, Zakk actually TRADES SOLOS WITH DARIO. Zakk NEVER let Nick Catanese do that. In fact, Nick is NOWHERE to be found on any Black Label albums from their debut through the time he left in 2014.

He’s now a registered sex offender.

The biggest surprise to me came during “Fire It Up”. Before they ended the song, Zakk, in place of his usual solo spot (where he makes every guitarist in the audience want to quit), he traded solos with Dario for ten, maybe fifteen minutes. I’m not just talking lick after lick. The two even HARMONIZED together, while Zakk stood on top of his piano. They’d even harmonize during their signature live intro to “Stillborn”, the band’s show closer for the longest time.

At the end of the show, he stood up on the gig box in the middle of the stage, took off his Black Label vest, and held it up nice and high before walking off…because Zakk never plays encores.

Ever.

I genuinely don’t know of many musicians who can say with legitimacy or integrity that they’re able to get even better as live performers with age. Regardless of how long it had been since I last saw Zakk in any capacity, he’s ALWAYS stepping up his game. Black Label Society were absolutely flawless last night. Zakk himself was absolutely FLAWLESS and he, once again, demonstrated why he’s not only an excellent, yet criminally underrated, showman, but a fucking guitar GOD who will NEVER be matched.

He’s an entity unto himself. I’ve heard idiots bitch about his playing style or smirk and say that there are guitarists that are far better than him, that “he’s not that good”. I can’t help but laugh every time because being a great guitarist will always be more than just having technical skill. Being an expert in playing gay ass sweep arpeggios won’t ever make you a standout player in any genre, let alone Heavy Metal. It’s about finding the style that suits you and practicing that style so much that it becomes second nature.

Flawlessness.

It’s about finding a style that helps you to STAND THE FUCK OUT. That’s what Zakk did. When Ozzy bitched during the 1987 auditions that found Zakk replacing Jake E. Lee that “If I want Yngwie Malmsteen, I’ll just call him!”, Zakk got the hint real quick and found the one thing no one else was doing. Those other guys may be technically DAZLING. But do they stand out? Are they known to more than just the underground? Is their playing as memorable as it is heavy or technically brilliant?

Probably not.

That’s why Zakk Wylde literally is an icon.

Don’t Be Like Your Parents, Asshole!

Posted on by Mike

Are you on the cesspool that is social media? Are you somewhere between your thirties and at least close to 50? If you answered “yes” to either of these, are you posting gay ass memes like this on your Instagram or Facebook?

Or maybe this?

900+ Getting Old ideas in 2021 | getting old, bones funny, funny quotes

Or perhaps even this dumb shit?

If this is you (and it probably is) then congratulations on doing the one thing you weren’t supposed to do: you became your parents! And in doing so you have officially failed at life. It’s funny that I, of all people, am talking about living. I hate living. But you fucks are just pathetic.

What happened? Settled down with someone who never knew how to live in the first place and you simply assimilated to please him or her? Never lived a healthy lifestyle (more than likely!)? Hanging around the wrong morons (also a high probability)?

You are supposed to be BETTER than your parents. You’re not better than them if you go around bragging that you’re bald, fat, achy, or that your favorite shitty high school jam was on the oldies station. It’s not funny, it sure isn’t cute. It never was. I’ve fucked women older than you who STILL have the energy and drive (especially the sex drive!) people your age are supposed to have. My psychotic, openly depressed, nearly 72 year old mother has more drive than you and she broke her ankle last year. My 66 year old dad, who has sustained MULTIPLE Powerlifting and labor related injuries is STILL strong as a bull and STILL tries to have a life when he’s not working long ass shifts at a job he’d rather not be in.

So if they can still go out there and LIVE, then I fail to see what the fuck your deal is. Is your lower back hurting? Get off your ass. Literally. Stop sitting down. Your glutes are weak and they’re pulling on your lower back. So exercise and strengthen those areas. Fuck I’ll even help you a bit and give you a few options!

  • Back Extensions (my go-to for a long time. Add a mini resistance band to increase force production.)
  • Glute Bridges (elevate your feet as much as possible)
  • Reverse Hyperextension (my current go-to before I do ANYTHING else)
  • The McGill Big 3

In an unrelated note I highly recommend low back strengthening for you women with big titties. You’ve no idea how annoying you are when I hear you say “they’re hurting my back! I think I want to get a reduction!” Fuck that and you! Just get some muscle and let us enjoy those beautiful fun bags.

Does sleeping in a awkward position hurt you like in a meme I posted above? Simple solution: stop sleeping like that and learn how to properly sleep! What a concept! There is a right way and a wrong way to sleep. Referring again to the lower back: when you sleep on your back, for example, your lumbar spine is not resting on the mattress, especially if you have a big ass like I, because it’s being put into a state of involuntary hyperextension. Therefore, you’re spending up to eight hours adding stress to an already stressed out lower back. For the last several years I’ve been placing pillows underneath my knees when I sleep and now I feel no pain because the lumbar spine is able to relax.

Knees hurt? Unless you’ve sustained a major injury, that too can be fixed. The book Becoming A Supple Leopard offers COUNTLESS ways to fix painful knees, one of which I put to great use in late 2019. Getting fat? Developing the dad bod? Stop eating like shit and get off your ass! I have two cousins in law who were fat probably long before I ever knew them. Upon seeing them both for the first time in twelve years at my brother’s funeral in 2019 it was obvious that they were looking worse. Why? Because they don’t care. So when they go next I’m not even going to question what happened?

This may seem ignorant, one track minded and chauvinistic. It’s not. If this triggers you or pisses you off it simply tells me you’re the loser I’m targeting. All you need to do is eat right, learn how to exercise, learn how to get strong, and learn how to THINK FOR YOUR FUCKING SELVES. As negative as I usually am, guess what – there’s still hope. Guys, eat healthy, eat less, get rid of the gay ass dad bod and try to at least squat your bodyweight. Ladies and especially you moms, I’m sure getting rid of that pooch may be difficult. I’m not here for that. But you can also eat healthy, eat less, lift weights and for fucks sake get rid of that fucking retarded mom/Karen haircut and revive the sexiness I know is in you. Yes, long hair is not only youthful, it’s sexy as can be.

You still have time. Knock it off with the stupid age memes and learn how to be BETTER than your parents. Get into shape because they couldn’t or wouldn’t, and don’t just wait until you’re divorced and too scared to be alone either. It’s over for your parents (well, most of them anyway), it doesn’t have to be for you. Unless you want it to.