Category: General Rants

Last Gig with Vanguard live at Dock St. Bar and Grill, Staten Island, NY, March 25th, 2005

Posted on by Mike

Within a month after my first ever metal band fired me after five more gigs including a Dimebag Darrell tribute show at the now-defunct Don Hills in Manhattan (this was actually our second show a good week after our debut gig), we all managed to stay friends…at least for a few more years. I even tagged along with two of those guys to see Black Label Society, which I just wrote about not too long ago. I even saw their first (and only) gig without me, in which Jon had switched over to my now-former spot as guitarist, and a friend of theirs took over Jon’s position as bassist for a Randy Rhoads tribute show at Dock St (Cock St). I even recall that the band chose “Over the Mountain”, the opener to Diary of a Madman, my favorite Randy-era Ozzy album as their tribute song of choice.

That situation didn’t work out for long, and for reasons I cannot remember. But I do know that while on the phone with Idrees one night, he told me the band had another Dock St show lined up but were potentially going to cancel. Why? All because they didn’t have a second guitarist.

Fucking seriously?

That to me sounded more retarded than when Idrees said he wasn’t going to introduce the songs because he wanted us to sound like we’ve been around for five years. So, that, along with my knowing that it’d be a while before I’d play another gig again while I was putting my own band together, prompted me to volunteer my services for one last gig. The deal was the band would call me ONLY if they exhausted all of their options. Idrees agreed and said the band would talk about it.

I guess they “exhausted” all of their options, because within two days I received a voicemail from Idrees: (Cheesy metal voice) “Vanguard, live at Dock St, one last time, with Mike Alexander! (Back to normal voice) Yeah man, we need you.” So just like that, I was to meet up with them at Fenix Studios for rehearsals. I’d no objections, as Fenix, which is still open today, was far closer to my house than Future Star Studios. But I’d eventually change my mind regarding my opinion on this studio within a year.

We did two rehearsals. At my request, we would cover “South Of Heaven” by Slayer, which would be how we opened our set at the show. Rehearsals were strange, not just because I was nagged into doing a second practice either. Joe Ryder was brought back as the band’s bassist, which was a welcome return, as things had apparently gone very south with Jon. Joe was not a good bassist, but he was significantly easier to be around. “Aren’t things a lot less tense now?”, commented Chad in the middle of that first night. And he was right.

That’s why I found it weird when Jon showed up for the second rehearsal two nights later. If I’m not mistaken, he’d manipulated Joe to believing the band kicked him out, which wasn’t the case at all. I imagine Chad, Idrees and Chris must’ve realized that it was way too close to the night of the show to do anything about it right there, and that the situation would have to be handled after the show. What was more amusing because of this was that Jon wanted to talk to me after the rehearsal. I’d agreed, thinking he was going to make plans to get drunk, as he had this fake ID that was perfectly counterfeited – there was NO WAY anyone could have figured out that this “21 year old” was actually 17! We were going to make plans to do that one night, but I was fired from the band before that could ever happen.

Jon didn’t want to talk about getting drunk, but he sure wanted to try to convince me to rejoin the band. He knew I was trying to put my own thing together, but he was going to try anyway. Chris, who’d previously tried to get me to come back a month earlier, heard the conversation and immediately jumped in, even though he and I both knew he had other plans for Jon. I just stood there, looking at Jon, thinking “if this kid only knew…”.

I don’t remember too much about the night of the show, expect Dock St was hot as balls. As per usual, very few people were there for me. But I did have support via Mike Spennato, aka 80’s Mike, a sucker for all things gay ass hair metal, and Florian, or just “Flo” for short, two colleagues from my college radio station. Mike would actually take the pictures you see on this blog post, and some of them came out pretty cool. Here’s a quick story about 80’s Mike:

As I’ve mentioned in the past, Chris at this point in time was dating the sister of my radio station’s music director, Marissa…who had fantastic titties. I guess there was a bit of a miscommunication between Chris and Marissa, and I’m assuming Chris might’ve heard beforehand that a member of the band he was going to audition for happened to work for the station, prompting Marrisa to tell Chris that the guitar player in question was 80’s Mike – who also happened to be her assistant director of her department, not I. Therefore, Chris, at least for a very short time, was probably waiting for me to break out Poison or some shit. Of course, he then heard me play, causing him to second guess that conversation.

Sometime before our first show Chris finally asked me if I was into hair metal, which was baffling. But as he talked more, I realized what the confusion was, prompting me to laugh as I set the record straight. He had said that as soon as he heard my playing style, he told himself “There’s no way this guy listens to Ratt!” And he’s right. Chris would actually meet 80s Mike a few weeks before I was fired during a gig and he told Mike this story while we were waiting to go on stage.

Because fuck Ratt.

On stage, our first song, as mentioned earlier, was “South of Heaven”. Chad played the intro a little too fast, something I talked to him about during rehearsals. I know he wasn’t a fan of the song, and he looked like he couldn’t wait to get it over with. I took it as a bit of inconsideration for me since I’d volunteered my services that night. The set otherwise was all the usual shit. I’m also pretty sure I went straight home afterwards.

Unless I’m greatly mistaken, the woman seen here taking pictures was Chad’s girlfriend at the time. I completely forgot her name.

Now THIS is a fucking awesome picture. I always made doubles of all my pictures, and this one was so badass that 80’s Mike wanted the double to keep. This reminds me a lot of the very first picture I ever saw of Chuck Schuldiner in the same issue of Guitar World Magazine that announced his tragic death.

Mike Spennato aka 80’s Mike on the right. I have zero recollection of who this fucking guy on the left is.

Left to right: Florian Uchitel (I think that’s how his last name is spelled), 80’s Mike, and that guy whose name I don’t remember.

The Night After

I’m pretty sure I worked that morning. I hung out with Chris and Idrees that night, I at least think Idrees was with us. Chris had fired Jon that morning on AIM, as a result of him driving Joe away before this gig and according to either Chris or Idrees, Jon complained a lot about mistakes everyone made at the show including myself. I found that weird, not just because I was gone for good now, but because mistakes happen all the time when you’re live…unless you’re in some technical Death Metal band where your feet are planted in the same spot for two hours and the only movements you make revolve around circle headbanging. Or the homos from Dream Theater.

Because fuck Dream Theater

The band itself broke up not too long after this, and most likely over the aforementioned second guitarist bullshit. They’d regroup shortly after, only to break up again just as quickly.

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Rotting Away In Hell…I Mean Margaritaville

Posted on by Mike

It was 5:00 yesterday morning, as I type this, when I was awakened by the sudden urge to take a big shit. I’d taken my phone with me, since there were no books in there to read. Within a few minutes I’d received a notification from Yahoo! News which read: “Jimmy Buffett, Singer-Songwriter Who Turned ‘Margaritaville’ into an Empire, Dies at 76”. I was too tired to really show excitement at that moment; but it certainly made my shit that much more glorious – probably because Jimmy Buffett was just that, shit!

It was later in the morning when I received the following greeting from the owner of the Lift for Satan clothing line:

“Good morning friend, let me start off the day with the good news that Jimmy buffet is DEAD!!! Enjoy that cheeseburger in hell you dork haha”.

You think he was just a tad more excited about this than even I?

But since I don’t intend to make this too long of a post, here are some things I will NEVER forgive his ass for:

He apparently coined the phrase “It’s 5 O’ Clock Somewhere”.

It’s true. It’s actually a song he wrote and performed with country artist/fellow homo Alan Jackson. The phrase is just fucking stupid and so is the fucking song. Are you that idiot that uses the term “It’s 5 O’ Clock Somewhere” as an excuse to have a drink? You have far bigger problems to worry about!

And you sound retarded.

He Ruined a Good Portion of Key West.

See, in the years preceding Jimmy’s arrival to Key West from Mississippi, Key West was just a bohemian, counterculture-oriented remote island city off the Florida coast. Was it the best place to be back then? Hardly. But in the 70’s even New York City – which was home to an INDESCRIBABLE music and art scene! – was a literal Hell on Earth! However, as economics go, rent in these cities was still cheaper than a $2 hooker.

But that was the allure of Key West. Unless you were living there, and knew where to go for a good time, the place was truly a mystery in the decades preceding the internet. Jimmy came along, and he later would donate money to help save the manatees. Ok, that’s admirable and I can respect that. But things changed when just a few years later he opened up a restaurant/souvenir shop named after his signature song (more on that later) in Key West.

What followed was massive financial success via the tourism it brought in. It sure sounds good on paper until you find out that Jimmy would go on to buy more and more properties, which would include more restaurants, hotels, and even retirement communities. And what does this lead to in Key West, as it would any other not-so-well-to-do place that’s generating that much money? Gentrification, something I’ve ranted about a few times on here over the years. And suddenly, Key West natives that were living there before Jimmy even arrived in 1971 can barely afford to stay there.

Thanks a lot, you ass!

His fans are “Parrotheads”

As the Lift for Satan guy said to me yesterday morning, Jimmy Buffett essentially wrote music enabling middled aged, white jackasses to get shitfaced. Jimmy described it as “escapism”. Uh huh, sure thing, buddy. These rabid fans have taken part in actual Jimmy Buffett Conventions taking placing in Key West every year since 1985. They all come down with their parrot hats, flip flops and Hawaiian shirts – all Jimmy’s signature garb! – and they couldn’t wait to see Jimmy play on the Parrothead Cruise.

That’s not a convention, that’s a fucking cult!

He wrote “Margaritaville”

Released in 1977, this absolute shit-sterpiece of a song jump started the fledgling career of an undeserving Jimmy Buffett. It also gave aspiring beach bums everywhere a reason to flock down to Key West, ultimately ruining it, as their money enabled him to turn that one song into an empire the likes of which I personally hope I never see or hear of again because it’s that cultish and fucking gay. I guess everyone was able to relate to a song about some moron who ran off to a beach resort to hide from his self-inflicted problems and drink his sorrows away(?).

The Aftermath

So where do we go from here? He’s dead. Much like when certain politicians bought themselves a third term as New York City mayor, it’ll take an awfully long time to get the stench of Jimmy Buffett the fuck out of the Florida Keys in particular. Yeah, Jimmy has chain restaurants and hotels scattered throughout other parts of Florida as well as the country as a whole. There was even a Cheeseburger in Paradise restaurant not too far from where I live. But what I can only hope for now is that, in time, the fake beach bums and tourists will sooner or later get over themselves, stop using that idiot’s music as an excuse to get shitfaced, get rid of the stupid Hawaiian shirts and flip flops, and realize that much like the guy that was actually from Mississippi, they never really were true islanders.

There Is Only One Batman

Posted on by Mike

This is one of those passings that many of us, not just me, could say did not see coming. I’d received a text on Friday, November 11th from my ex, simply reading “Kevin Conroy”. I asked why she brought him up and you don’t want to know my reaction to her response. Celebrity deaths mean shit to me. But this was not the usual celebrity death.

Kevin Conroy wasn’t an ordinary celebrity with longevity. No one voice actor in history since Casey Kasem as Shaggy in the Scooby Doo cartoons has EVER had the distinction of being a generational representation of a nationally recognized character the way Kevin was in regard to his affiliation with Batman, and the way he should sound. It’s rare for anyone to have that uniqueness, that natural ability, but Kevin was IT, in the same way that Mark Hamill, who before 1992 was just known as Luke Skywalker from those gay ass Star Wars movies, would be considered to be the single greatest Joker of ALL TIME.

It was 1992 when, on the heels of the release of Batman Returns, FOX premiered Batman: The Animated Series. It was infinitely darker in tone, making this supposed kid’s show appear to have more in common with Batman Returns than the campy Adam West show I just watched two years earlier, or even the old Batman cartoon from the late 60’s featuring Olan Soule as Batman and Casey Kasem as Robin. The show premiered on a Saturday. The episode was titled The Cat and The Claw, Pt. 1. Click here and skip to the 1:51 mark to see and hear for yourself why you’d be absolutely deaf if you didn’t shit yourself the moment you heard Kevin Conroy say “So… our new cat burglar’s a woman.”

With that one simplistic line, it was made clear that this Batman would be far more serious than what my eight-year-old self was accustomed to. It was darker, it was huskier, as Kevin himself said several times, and it was drenched in all things intimidating. The strangest part is that, even in 1992, I just knew that I was going to read every Batman related comic I’d go on to buy in Kevin’s voice. I also expected to hear his voice in any other Batman cartoon that would be released after Batman: The Animated Series. I don’t need to be told that I wasn’t that only one, and we were all right.

Over the next three decades, we’d be fortunate enough to hear Kevin resume his role as Batman in several incarnations of Batman: The Animated Series, including two absolutely stellar Justice League based shows, multiple straight to DVD releases, and subsequently, the CLASSIC Arkham video game trilogy. Neither of those three games, Batman: Arkham City in particular, would be the same without Kevin’s dark, brooding Batman. Only Kevin could properly articulate the process of Batman slowly losing his mind within three increasingly intense stories.

Anyone else could have tried to put their own spin on it. At this point Kevin’s voice was considered THE gold standard in which all other Batman voices were supposed to amount to. But it’s never the same and, for the purpose of this trilogy, authenticity WOULD have been examined and NO ONE could NATURALLY make Batman feel authentic the way Kevin Conroy could. This is something that’s been going in and out of my fucking brain as I’ve been watching playthroughs of all three Arkham games ever since the news of his passing was released.

But that’s why there will always be one Batman. That’s no one’s fault. Of anyone who’s portrayed him in live action movies and those who portrayed him in animated films, there’s only one man who had this natural ability draw from the memories of his rather shitty childhood, which I will not discuss here, and combine that with his Julliard training to relate to the tortured soul that is Batman. It’s Kevin after all, who came up with the idea the Bruce Wayne is the disguise and Batman is the real person, not the other way around. I caught that immediately in ’92 when I’d see a scene in which Bruce would talk to his colleagues in a rather high voice, but when he was alone again with Alfred, that voice would just DROP a whole two octaves because he no longer had to pretend.

It’s the total opposite of Clark Kent and Superman, or any other Superhero. It’s probably an accurate representation, as well, of how most people feel on a day-to-day basis. That’s why it worked. Some will say Michael Keaton started it in his first Batman movie. But what he was doing was mixing a standard talking voice as Bruce Wayne with a whisper when he was Batman, probably to conceal his true voice so no one could ever identify him. But it’s not the same as Kevin’s groundbreaking approach. Kevin’s approach evoked far more emotion regardless of the tone of any episode of any show or movie he appeared in over thirty years.

I’m going to end this by thanking Kevin. This isn’t just another piece of my childhood being taken away from me; this man defined a major portion of my fucking life as a whole. That’s not an everyday occurrence.

Don’t Be Like Your Parents, Asshole!

Posted on by Mike

Are you on the cesspool that is social media? Are you somewhere between your thirties and at least close to 50? If you answered “yes” to either of these, are you posting gay ass memes like this on your Instagram or Facebook?

Or maybe this?

900+ Getting Old ideas in 2021 | getting old, bones funny, funny quotes

Or perhaps even this dumb shit?

If this is you (and it probably is) then congratulations on doing the one thing you weren’t supposed to do: you became your parents! And in doing so you have officially failed at life. It’s funny that I, of all people, am talking about living. I hate living. But you fucks are just pathetic.

What happened? Settled down with someone who never knew how to live in the first place and you simply assimilated to please him or her? Never lived a healthy lifestyle (more than likely!)? Hanging around the wrong morons (also a high probability)?

You are supposed to be BETTER than your parents. You’re not better than them if you go around bragging that you’re bald, fat, achy, or that your favorite shitty high school jam was on the oldies station. It’s not funny, it sure isn’t cute. It never was. I’ve fucked women older than you who STILL have the energy and drive (especially the sex drive!) people your age are supposed to have. My psychotic, openly depressed, nearly 72 year old mother has more drive than you and she broke her ankle last year. My 66 year old dad, who has sustained MULTIPLE Powerlifting and labor related injuries is STILL strong as a bull and STILL tries to have a life when he’s not working long ass shifts at a job he’d rather not be in.

So if they can still go out there and LIVE, then I fail to see what the fuck your deal is. Is your lower back hurting? Get off your ass. Literally. Stop sitting down. Your glutes are weak and they’re pulling on your lower back. So exercise and strengthen those areas. Fuck I’ll even help you a bit and give you a few options!

  • Back Extensions (my go-to for a long time. Add a mini resistance band to increase force production.)
  • Glute Bridges (elevate your feet as much as possible)
  • Reverse Hyperextension (my current go-to before I do ANYTHING else)
  • The McGill Big 3

In an unrelated note I highly recommend low back strengthening for you women with big titties. You’ve no idea how annoying you are when I hear you say “they’re hurting my back! I think I want to get a reduction!” Fuck that and you! Just get some muscle and let us enjoy those beautiful fun bags.

Does sleeping in a awkward position hurt you like in a meme I posted above? Simple solution: stop sleeping like that and learn how to properly sleep! What a concept! There is a right way and a wrong way to sleep. Referring again to the lower back: when you sleep on your back, for example, your lumbar spine is not resting on the mattress, especially if you have a big ass like I, because it’s being put into a state of involuntary hyperextension. Therefore, you’re spending up to eight hours adding stress to an already stressed out lower back. For the last several years I’ve been placing pillows underneath my knees when I sleep and now I feel no pain because the lumbar spine is able to relax.

Knees hurt? Unless you’ve sustained a major injury, that too can be fixed. The book Becoming A Supple Leopard offers COUNTLESS ways to fix painful knees, one of which I put to great use in late 2019. Getting fat? Developing the dad bod? Stop eating like shit and get off your ass! I have two cousins in law who were fat probably long before I ever knew them. Upon seeing them both for the first time in twelve years at my brother’s funeral in 2019 it was obvious that they were looking worse. Why? Because they don’t care. So when they go next I’m not even going to question what happened?

This may seem ignorant, one track minded and chauvinistic. It’s not. If this triggers you or pisses you off it simply tells me you’re the loser I’m targeting. All you need to do is eat right, learn how to exercise, learn how to get strong, and learn how to THINK FOR YOUR FUCKING SELVES. As negative as I usually am, guess what – there’s still hope. Guys, eat healthy, eat less, get rid of the gay ass dad bod and try to at least squat your bodyweight. Ladies and especially you moms, I’m sure getting rid of that pooch may be difficult. I’m not here for that. But you can also eat healthy, eat less, lift weights and for fucks sake get rid of that fucking retarded mom/Karen haircut and revive the sexiness I know is in you. Yes, long hair is not only youthful, it’s sexy as can be.

You still have time. Knock it off with the stupid age memes and learn how to be BETTER than your parents. Get into shape because they couldn’t or wouldn’t, and don’t just wait until you’re divorced and too scared to be alone either. It’s over for your parents (well, most of them anyway), it doesn’t have to be for you. Unless you want it to.

Dear Shit Stain

Posted on by Mike

Dear Shit Stain,

Let’s be clear, I’ll only be referring to you as Shit Stain for the entirety of this open letter
that maybe you’ll read, maybe you won’t.  Because that’s what you are: a massive shit stain on life.  And speaking of life, I’m honestly STILL trying to wrap my head around the fact that you’re still alive twelve years after the whole world discovered that you’re nothing more than a piece of shit, and that’s all you’ll EVER be.   Why hasn’t anyone tried to do to you what you did to those fucking dogs since then??

“I guess $100 million is too much money, eh?”  Those are the words my then lead singer muttered in my car while on the way to band practice just one night after the news broke that your dumb ass was arrested for running Bad Newz Kennels, a dogfighting ring in Virginia which was most likely funded by that 6 Year $100 million NFL salary of yours.  Ever so slowly did the horrid details of what you and your ghetto trash friends pulled while in business come to light.  Here are a few details for those who might somehow be clueless:

  • You and your buddies hung three dogs in April 2007, after they under performed in a “rolling session”, which determines the dogs’ readiness to fight.
  • You, according to the U.S. Department Of Agriculture, placed family pet dogs into your ring with trained pitbulls, who obviously “caused major injuries” to them.
  • You electrocuted injured dogs who lost their fights
  • There were times were neither you or you’re piece of shit buddies wouldn’t feed your dogs in order to make them “more hungry for the other dog”.
  • Aside from hanging whichever dogs lost their fights, you also would drown, strangle, shoot, or even SLAM THEM REPEATEDLY UNTIL THEY DIED.

That’s all I’ll mention, as listing all that made me want to break my new laptop, since I can’t be there to break your skull.  So it astonishes me that, after your absolutely bullshit apology, you were even brought back to the NFL after you did what you did.  I can’t believe any team would be so willing to take you on.  In fact, it’s one of the reasons why I can never truly respect the Philadelphia Eagles ever again.  Oh sure, they DESTROYED the New England Patriots two Superbowls ago (by which point of course you were long gone, thankfully); but you see Shit Stain, I’m a man of principles.  And as far as I’m concerned, any team that was willing to take you on regardless of your abilities, has zero standards in my book.

So when I found out a few weeks ago the you of all people were appointed to be the Honorary Team Captain in this coming year’s Pro Bowl, I had to laugh.  I laughed even harder when I read Roger Goodell’s bullshit defense of you.  Because let’s face it Shit Stain, and I know I’m not the only one who believes this to be fact: you’re not sorry, nor were you ever sorry for what you did.  Like most jackass politicians who say they’re sorry for cheating on their wives because once they’re in office those said wives won’t fuck them anymore, you’re only sorry because, thanks to your moron cousin’s drug bust, you were caught.  And ruined.  But hey, if pretending to actually give a shit when you involve yourself with animal rights causes in good for business, then I guess Goodell will happily bite, even when deep down he’s knows involving your dumb ass in anything is just wrong.  And if you ever read this Roger, you’re a spineless, dickless little cunt, willing to give up ANY integrity you might’ve had, and all for the sake of ratings.

So while most of us don’t want to even hear your name anymore, let alone watch you on TV in a month (although I know I WON’T be watching), I know what I’d like to see.  Do you want to be in our good graces for real, Shit Stain?  Why don’t you allow us, the fans, the opportunity to electrocute you, whip you, rip your lips off, slam your ass down to the ground multiple times until your bones break, and shoot you when it’s all over – you know, like you and your shithead friends did years ago – live on NBC?  That to me, would bring in some incredible, record breaking ratings.  That dumb fuck Goodell would jizz all over himself once the numbers came in!  But that’ll sadly never happen, because you’re a gutless, dickless fucking coward.

I’m surprised your wife will even fuck you with that microscopic dick of yours.  I refuse to believe you can get hard enough, to penetrate her, to get even the smallest amount of sperm into her so you could even have kids.  So, if I were you, I’d get a DNA test done on your kids because I have a feeling they might be anyone else’s but yours.  Did you understand that?  Was that broken down for you in English that you could understand, you Virginia trash cocksucker?  All of us with a brain hate you and want you to die in a manner that outdoes even the ways you torture those dogs.

So I hope I clarified for you, you worthless fuck, what it’d take for you to get any kind of real respect ever again.  And by the way, if you were to agree to do any thing like that I’d actually donate money to any animal rights charity of your choice.  And I might have to chip in for your funeral too!  Because most of us would be excited to do nothing more than to take a baseball bat and cave your skull in to the point that your brains splattered farther than a fucking grenade blowing up in the middle of a jello factory.  So fuck you, fuck your family, fuck anyone that had anything to do with you, and fuck anybody that looks like you!

My Sources:

https://www.espn.com/nfl/news/story?id=3718304

https://www.foxnews.com/story/gruesome-details-in-indictment-naming-nfl-quarterback-michael-vick-in-dogfighting-case

https://www.cnn.com/2019/12/12/us/michael-vick-pro-bowl-roger-goodell-spt-trnd/index.html

Social Media:

https://www.facebook.com/confessionsofanangrymetalhead

https://www.instagram.com/confessionsofanangrymetalhead/

https://confessionsofanangrymetalhead.tumblr.com/

Random Thoughts

Posted on by Mike

All Hail The Race Card!

Image result for lisa maria falcone

I’m so disinterested in the things rich celebrities say or do that I had no clue who the fuck Lisa Marie Falcone, with her surgically implanted cheeks…or her piano playing pig, even was until last week.  I also learned that her style of entitlement and ignorance apparently isn’t just for white people anymore either.  Long story boring, her billionaire dipshit husband, Phil Falcone is facing a lawsuit for unpaid wages by former employee, chef Brian Villanueva.

But wait!  Here’s the fun part.  According to Villanueva, here’s what Lisa Maria Falcone had to say about his girlfriend, also a chef, during a dinner party which included Lisa’s supposed best friend Alicia Keys and her husband Swizz Beatz: “Your girlfriend speaks very well. She seems educated. I would describe her as a chocolate-covered marshmallow”.  When asked what the fuck that meant, an arrogant Falcone told Villanueva: “Alicia (Keys) doesn’t speak that way. She didn’t have an education and was just discovered by (record producer) Clive Davis when she was 15 years old. Swizz (Beatz) definitely doesn’t speak that way either.”

Oh, did you think we were finished?  When Falcone finally took notice that her chef just…maybe…was a tad offended, she continued by asking Villanueva: “Do you use the word ‘n—a’ at home with your girlfriend?  I’m Puerto Rican and grew up in Spanish Harlem so I can speak like that.  You’re not ethnic like black people and Puerto Rican people. You’re only a minority.  Talk to my black friends. They will tell you that I am not racist.”

So many things I can say here and so little time.

The Race Card.  Such a classic way to justify ignorance, especially with celebrities and rich folk.  Former Alabama Governor George Wallace, who once claimed: “In the name of the greatest people that have ever trod this earth, I draw the line in the dust and toss the gauntlet before the feet of tyranny, and I say segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever.”, had the nerve decades later to say in a 2000 documentary on his life that he wasn’t racist and tried to justify it by bring out an elderly black man and saying this man was his best friend.

No, dickhead.  No.

Knowing, or being close friends with one or two people who happen to be of a different ethnicity to you can never justify calling out his/her race in any way.  My oldest friend of thirty years, and literally THE best friend I ever had, is black.  But I also know that if I were to go off on some crazy racist tirade and justify it by saying that my oldest friend is black, he still wouldn’t think twice of putting the kibosh on what we have.  Because he’s not stupid.  And in that same side of things, Lisa Marie Falcone, you ignorant, spoiled cunt, being a Puerto Rican from Spanish Harlem doesn’t justify you singling out anyone – especially when there’s so much money to be taken from you when you – and especially your tax dodging husband – keep fucking up.  Go you!  Jackass!

The Politics Of Hypocrisy

Image result for Michael Bloomberg

“I always believed that leadership involves listening and reading and respecting diverse viewpoints and acknowledging when you didn’t get them right. Over time, I’ve come to understand something that I long struggled to admit to myself: I got something important wrong. I got something important really wrong.

I didn’t understand that back then the full impact that stops were having on the black and Latino communities. I was totally focused on saving lives. But, as we know, good intentions aren’t good enough.
Now, hindsight is 20/20. But, as crime continued to come down as we reduced stops, and as it continued to come down during the next administration, to its credit, I now see that we could and should have acted sooner, and acted faster, to cut the stops. I wish we had and I’m sorry that we didn’t. But I can’t change history. However, today, I want you to know that I realize back then I was wrong and I’m sorry.”
These were former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s words regarding the Stop And Frisk policy just a few days ago.
I’m not one to ever discuss politics on this blog, or ever, really.  And I won’t even get into it now.  But let’s talk about why he’s even apologizing.  Does he truly mean it?  Let’s see…now’s the time to get on the band wagon with every other Democrat hoping to be the next year’s Presidential front runner so….I’m going to go with hell fuck no!  For those of you not in the know, Bloomberg, a life long Democrat switch sides just so he could run for office.
On the outside his views could switch at the drop of a hat.  But on the inside it was different.  As a native New Yorker, and a city worker, I won’t hesitate to say he spent way too much time micro managing the city as if it was his famous corporation.  Also, I directly blame him for the gentrification of the city post 9/11, causing rent to increase across the board, ultimately marking the beginning of the gradual demise of most mom and pop businesses in the city, and also forcing tenants out of their homes and on to the streets.
So with that in mind, is he really sorry that his take on crime and punishment might just be what caused the rift between minority groups and the NYPD, a rift that’s just as strong today as it was when Stop And Frisk was in effect?  Or is the businessman in him just looking to get that much coveted minority vote?  Me?  I’d say some snakes just never change their stripes.  Politics.  The fun just never stops.
My Makeshift Email To My Hypothetical Employees
To anyone who might be new to this site, I work full time in education.  Quite a trip.  For every few students that will work their hardest and always make you smile, there’ll always be that one psycho trying to stab you with a pencil.  Or worse!
So, I receive e-mails from my school’s Assistant Principal every Sunday morning.  Here’s an example of her introductory paragraph:
“Happy Sunday all.  I hope that you are enjoying your weekend.  I had to go out of town this weekend so as I am in the passenger side of the car, riding, I am thinking about what happened this week at work, the mounds of paperwork that need to be done, and what I need to get for Thanksgiving and suddenly, I just look out the window.  We are driving over a bridge and I am just staring out the window intently.  My husband looks over at me and says, “I know that look, you have an idea”.  And I say, “this bridge has me thinking of P.S. ##(don’t think for a second I was going to let you fuckers know where I work!)”.  Have you looked at the characteristics of a bridge.  They have barriers on both sides for your protection.  It serves as a means to get to the other side.”…and so on and so forth, blah blah blah…
I like my Assistant Principal a lot.  I really do.  But let’s face it, this shit is as phony as it gets.  I totally understand what she’s trying to achieve with this dribble.  But does she really expect us to believe she was looking at a bridge, or watching some TV show, or playing some sport and was suddenly inspired to find a correlation between that and the school?  Fuck no!
But it led me think about what I’d do if I was in her position and wanted to stay close with my hypothetical staff.  Would I write a weekly blog like this?  And if I did, what the fuck would I do to at least try to keep it real?  I wonder…
Good Morning!  I hope everyone did something this weekend to improve their overall mental and emotional health in order to begin yet another productive, fulfilling week here.  Let’s be real, that could be a lot of things.  And so long as I don’t see it, I could give two fucks what you do.  Do you drink a fifth of vodka on a Friday night and pick a fight with a random stranger?  Pick up a few hookers to relieve some…tension?  Attend some “parties”?  Perhaps you punch a few walls in your garage?  Who cares?  If it makes you feel fresh and recharged by the time you come back here on Monday morning, as the famous, decades old Nike slogan says – just do it! 
So, my own weekend wasn’t so exciting.  Ran out of beer and was too lazy (and exhausted from dealing with all of your students since no one seems to be able to handle them!) to go out and get more, wasn’t able to hit that 400lb squat in the gym and BOTH my fuck buddies were sick.  What the fuck are the chances of THAT happening?  So, with nowhere else to turn to, I broke out the laptop and watched an old clip from the favorites section of my YouPorn account!  In a clip entitled “Man, His Wife, And The Babysitter”, the wife walks in on his husband….well…getting sucked off by the babysitter.  Well, duh! 
Long story boring, the wife decides to take control of the situation by forcing the now guilt stricken babysitter to continue sucking her husband off, ultimately taking turns fucking this guy that, in any REAL situation would never be this lucky.  And of course, wifey, the betrayal still fresh in her mind, waits until he’s good and spent before declaring “I want a divorce!”, as she storms out of her soon to be ex’s office.  
This whole situation got me to thinking of our school, its trials and tribulations, its many ups and downs (no not THOSE ups and downs!),who’s backstabbing and betraying who, and feelings among each other as a staff and as a family.  You don’t need to be told that we won’t always agree with each other’s ideas and approaches on helping our students succeed.  In fact, I’m almost positive some of you ICT teachers in particular are ready to just KILL each other after ten months of conflicting personalities, approaches, intrusions such as teacher assistants and cluster teachers changing preps on you.  But if three people can have super hot sex in the most awkward of times, with the older wife showing the younger, greener babysitter how it’s done, then I fail to see how we as a staff cannot get through the most awkward of moments by simply taking the raw emotion out of a situation.
For ten months out of the year we need to set an example to these impressionable, young scholars.  What example do you think we set if we fight in front of them?  What sense of authority or even stability are we providing if, for 6 and a half measly hours per day, we can’t keep it together?  Of course, this is not to say break out into having sex if you have to show your co-teacher “how it’s done”…but if you do just make sure it’s in a closet somewhere and take pictures!  😉  It’s time for me to go clean myself off.  But I’ll leave you with this before I go: just ride it out until June and on that last day, in the same way that pissed off wife declared she wanted a divorce, you can tell you co-teacher to go fuck him/herself and ride off into the sunset until September…only to begin the whole process all over again.  See you all tomorrow!
Respectfully Yours,
Your Angry Metalhead Principal
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The Pussification Of Gym Class: Is Dodgeball Really “Oppressive”?

Posted on by Mike

While listening to 1010 WINS earlier this week, as I was driving to my bus stop, I heard one of the most ridiculous reports since hearing a year ago that Long Beach, NJ was getting rid of homework and replacing it with prayer (I wonder how THAT’S working out!).  According to research performed by three Canadian professors over at the University Of British Columbia, the sport of Dodgeball enforces…oppression.  This is not a typo.  I swear.  As tired as I was that morning that surely woke me up for at least a few extra seconds.

According to an article published in The Washington Post, which I’ll leave the link to down below, these three professors actually argue that Dodgeball “teaches students to dehumanize their peers”.  But it gets better: “When you’re setting up the environment for students to learn, and you introduce the idea that it’s okay to slam the ball at whomever you like, even if it’s with a soft ball, the intention is there,” according to Joy Butler, one of those three professors who happens to study pedagogy and curriculum development over at the university.

See the source image See the source image

Joy Butler and David Burns, two of the three professors responsible for this “study”.  It’s easy to see the issue right here.  They both look like they either got picked last every time and probably got hit all the time.  Because it’s clear to me they have no clue what bullying is.  They also look like they’re probably still virgins.

Butler continued to say that gym class should be the time to teach students to “control their aggression and move on instead of expressing themselves through anger.” after preceding that with the idea that Dodgeball is an outlet for anger.  And here’s were I get a bit mad, because based on these remarks alone that neither Joy Butler or David Burns have absolutely NO FUCKING CLUE as to what TRUE bullying is.  Let me help you out a bit, you two jerkoffs!

For the sake of ever so slight disclosure, I was in fact a long time victim of bullying – something that didn’t happen because I lost at Dodgeball a few times.  Bullying and oppression are the results of nothing more than psychological and emotional weakness found in both boys and even some girls (they’re actually the worst as far as I’m concerned!) who often need to prove their superiority by picking on the first person they see that sticks out like a sore thumb.  Doesn’t matter how big or small, skinny or fat, or race the target is.  A target is a target and if the bully is for some reason throwing balls at the opposing team as hard as he/she can, it’s not because Dodgeball makes them feel empowered.  They already felt empowered, the ball now being merely the ammunition.

As mentioned above, I was playing Dodgeball LONG before I met my first bully.  We obviously played in two teams and often times I’d find myself unsuccessful of dodging the ball.  Fuck, there was one time when I made an absolutely beautiful throw…only for Julio Velez to make an even more picture perfect catch…meaning I was out.  But at the end of the period, no one was upset, no one felt like they were bullied, and no one felt like even more of a bully.  In fact, minus one or two kids who just changed over time because that’s what happens, I largely STILL was friends with everyone and vice versa!  Trust me when I tell you that my first bully, who absolutely TERRORIZED me for a whole year – and all because I chose to be friends with the one kid he hated! – was not a product of Dodgeball “aggression”.

If anything, as far as I’m concerned, Dodgeball, like any other more mainstream sport, encourages neuro-muscular coordination in the form of quick thinking and even quicker movements, which in the future could carry over into better General Physical Preparedness (GPP) for other athletic endeavors.  This is also a great way for kids to properly put their “aggression” to work so they DON’T act like assholes afterward.  Want to know what else it can encourage?  Teamwork.  You know…the idea that everyone learns to work together…a skill we all have no choice but to put to use when we get older, like it or not?  What a concept!!  Remember this, as kids get older – boys especially – they will show aggression.  It’s in our nature.  There’s a little thing called testosterone, which David Burns clearly never had!  But guess what David, even the nicest boy out there will show some form of aggression while playing with his friends because that’s what boys do!  If he wasn’t already a bully before playing any sport, Dodgeball or not, he will continue to not be a bully when goes home for to meet his 6pm curfew later on.

Because I’m wondering: if these three adult virgins think Dodgeball is oppressive, what do they have to say about…Football.  Or is that too adult for their clearly undeveloped, emotionally stunted tastes?

My Sources:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/2019/06/07/dodgeball-is-tool-oppression-used-dehumanize-others-researchers-argue/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.920a3a0a0f63

https://humanevents.com/2019/06/03/dodgeball-is-an-unethical-tool-of-oppression-say-academics/?utm_referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.bing.com%2Fnews%2Fsearch%3Fq%3DDodgeball%2BIs%2BOppressive%26qpvt%3Ddodgeball%2Bis%2Boppressive%26FORM%3DEWRE

https://www.complex.com/sports/2019/06/dodgeball-oppression-dehumanize-others-researchers

Random Thoughts

Posted on by Mike

Fuck, where to begin here…

Being nearly 34 now (last month marked three years since I started this blog, by the way) and working with some real shitheads in a really fucked up part of Brooklyn, NY, I’m often bothered when I hear people say stupid shit like “Man, kids these days don’t know better”, “Kids these days don’t know what hard work is!”, “Kids these days are so dumb!”, blah blah blah.  Lets face it, EVERY fucking generation has said that about the generation succeeding them.  But in reality, I 100% blame the parents for the way I see some of these fuckfaces act.  I’d know – I’ve met parents who either have no clue how to control their own kids or they’ve no desire to because they still want to party like they did before that fateful night in which they got knocked up by that baby daddy who would disappear just days later.

Then, I hear about some shit as outlandish as THIS and I have to wonder if just maybe today’s youth really are that fucking stupid.

See the source image

The…Condom Snorting Challenge???

Yeah, you read that sub-title correctly.  Earlier this year, kids all over were eating Tide pods…I sadly had no real time to fully write about it, although I did make remarks regarding the situation on my Instagram and Facebook accounts.  So, I only found out about this shit yesterday, just as I was wondering it these idiots could somehow outdo themselves in the Retard Department.  Well, I guess they can, eh?  Just ask the retard in the picture above!

So according to CBS News, this actually started a few years ago for about five seconds and then was sadly just revived recently.  What is this “challenge” exactly?  You snort a whole condom up one nostril, inhaling it, and hoping it comes out of your mouth.  Has your ultra kinky wife/girlfriend ever tried anything this fucking stupid??  Exactly.  And teenagers are doing this.

As I write this now I’m reminded of Andrew Salvatore, an old friend I went to elementary and junior high school with.  I bumped into him at a Brendan Small (Metalocalypse) show at Starland Ballroom in 2009 after not seeing him for nearly five years.  He was now a paramedic in Tom’s River and he told me that the then-latest drug craze surely outdid any of his old “get high” attempts.  Kids were letting their own human waste ferment in the sun, wrapped in a balloon, and then inhale it inhale it in order to feel the effects of Jenkem, a hallucinogen created by the fermentation.  And what does this hallucinogen do exactly?  It allegedly allows these idiots to have “visions” unlike sniffing glue in which you hear voices.  I wonder if these “visions” are of random people who look just like me, telling them that they should go kill themselves?  Because that’s exactly what anyone INHALING THEIR OWN SHIT should do right now.  Yesterday.

Digressions aside though, there actually is a silver lining to this condom snorting shit, if you could believe that.  According to Dr. Robert Glatter in the earlier mention CBS report, “Even if you successfully complete the challenge and pull the condom out your mouth, the bottom line is that it’s incredibly irritating and a good chance it will wreak havoc on your sinuses, nasal passages, and upper airway”.  That’s right kids!  If you’re too stupid to remember that there are lubricants and chemicals in those rubbers you’re putting up your nose, you really do deserve every horrible burning sensation and all the damage that will be done your sinus cavities.  You also deserve nothing but the feelings of worthlessness for the rest of your lives.

nasim-najafi-aghdam-youtube-2018-4-4.jpg

The YouTube Shooting

Before I go any further with this I want to make clear that what happened yesterday was nothing to laugh about, obviously.  This could’ve happened to anyone, anywhere, and it’s a miracle this piece of shit’s victims are still alive.

Now that I got that out of the way, let’s take a brief look at Nasim Aghdam, the Iranian “Vegan Bodybuilder” (she hardly looked the part to begin with!) who drove ten hours just to shoot up the YouTube offices in San Bruno, CA with 9mm handgun:

 

Speaking of hallucinogens….if you watched this video ALL THE WAY TO THE END, then I really want to know what you’re on and if I could get some.  There’s no way anyone in their right mind could take that one video alone seriously.  I can see that YouTube decided to remove this shit just on the basis that it just RETARDED.  In some of her now deleted rants, this self righteous vegan psycho said that “I am being discriminated and filtered on YouTube. My new videos hardly get views”.

Ok and so the fuck what?  I only started posting workout videos on YouTube two years ago and they hardly get ANY views.  Fuck that, in the twelve years since I started my account I’ve only amassed a staggering 159 subscribers.  I guess I should get my old 20 gauge out, drive cross country and start firing away, right?  Hey, maybe if you didn’t release just stupidity you would’ve never accused YouTube of ruining your life – or maybe you could’ve gotten a real job.  Then again…who’d hire a militant jackass like you anyway?

But I’m going to repeat a statement I made on my Facebook account about jackasses like this.  She was a vegan?  Just for that she should’ve killed herself a long time ago – and I would’ve been more than happy to help her get the job done while eat a nice, juicy, rack of ribs – or even a filet mignon.  Go fuck yourself, and if Hell really does exist I hope you fucking rot.  Let this be a message to all of you: if you want to shoot things because social media is ruining your life, just maybe you should look in the mirror you fucking losers.  You can either then see that YOU ARE THE PROBLEM AND NEED TO CHANGE NOW….or just go ahead and kill yourselves, remaining a laughing stock even in death, like this stupid bitch.

The CBS Report On The Condom Shit:

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/condom-snorting-challenge-experts-warn-dangerous-trend/

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The Bottle Flip “Challenge” And Other Stupid Trends

Posted on by Mike

Another long, annoying, demeaning year with New York City Department of Education is coming to a close – and not soon enough!  But if there’s one thing I can say without even thinking about it, and this is something I already said to few friends at work, it’s that if there’s one thing that will stand out to me about this past year, it’s this stupid shit.  I apologize in advance for not being able to find any clips under three mintues:

No shit.  This is an actual fad right now and has been since probably before I went back to work.  I remember seeing my idiot seventh graders throwing bottles up in the air in excitement during their recess on day one in September and wondering out loud if these dumb little shits seriously had nothing better to do over the summer but to throw around bottles and see if it lands on either end.

And for the longest time I never understood the point, being left to just assume they all lacked the common sense required to just leave their homes during the day and go hit the basketball courts.  Oh sure, some of my kids explained to me at one point that the game is a “challenge”, but I still didn’t get it.  That is until last night.  I wanted to finally know how this seemingly global “phenomenon”/nuisance to all school teachers everywhere started.  Then I found this link to the video that started it all:

http://fusion.kinja.com/a-teen-flipping-a-water-bottle-may-have-just-created-th-1793857082

Why the fuck wasn’t it obvious to me before??  Of course it was invented by some fuckin’ redneck down south – what the hell is there to do down there anyway?  So, some redneck throws a fucking water bottle on to a desk at a talent show and suddenly it’s now being down in schools EVERYWHERE.  Not only that: I was waiting for my girlfriend to run in the Central Park Spring Classic recently and while waiting I actually saw a GROWN ASS MAN flipping a bottle right in front of me.  Pathetic.   Hell, just look at the bottom video in the above link.  This has actually become outlawed in most schools…unless the school in question is mine because my administration is absolutely SPINELESS.  But that’s a different story.

So in the last nine months I’ve have numerous confrontations with students, sometimes my own, sometimes other kids in the cafeteria, who wouldn’t think twice about attempting to flip bottles onto high windows in our auditorium, flipping them in the cafeteria and then absolutely refusing to clean up their mess when the bottle opened up, flipping them in class – I’m talking right in front of their teachers.  Oh here’s my favorite; sometime in December our kids were getting ready to go downstairs to lunch when five of them began running down the stairs in a stampede while screaming so fuckin’ loud.  The other witness aside from me?  Our principal.  Not embarrassing at all.

We got them back up and, while at least four of them were smart enough to own up to their fuckups, they explained to us that they threw a bottle down a flight of steps to see how it would land and THAT was what set them off.  This is literally the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen.  The fifth boy, who I actually do get along with very well these days, has definitely developed an addiction of sorts.  If he’s not flipping a bottle he’s taking markers in his math class and he’s flipping those too!  Nothing is sacred – even pencils and pens!

How did it get to this point?  Now, history has shown that kids have always had that one fad toy or object that they had no business taking with them to school or it’d get taken away…but then again, while I do work in the ghetto, I did grow up in the suburbs.  I’m a child of the nineties, where most of the kids had those gay as fuck Tamagotchi’s (this was a legit digital pet that was released just in time for Black Friday in 1996; you actually had to feed it, and it would even die if you didn’t take care of it) and POGs.  I loved POGs.

Image result for batman pogs

If you remember these then congratulations, you’re old.  There were many, many different types of POGs.  I simply chose to use this picture because if memory serves me right then I actually had this set in the fifth grade.  Now this game was fun.  Every pack of POGs had a nice, thick slammer to go with it.  We would stack up as all of our POGs and hit them with the slammer, watching the POGs scatter.  The player who’d slam them would keep whatever POGs were face-up, and each player would continue until  the stack was empty, the winner obviously having the most POGs.  But the difference between us and these kids today is that, as far as I remember, we weren’t stupid enough to play with our POGs IN CLASS where we’d clearly be seen as several milk cap sized pieces of cardboard go fuckin’ flying across the room.  So, like fifth graders with common sense (GASP!), we simply waited until we got into the yard for recess.  What a fuckin’ concept!

Now, I clearly don’t know how other schools or school systems nationwide are handling this situation but in NYC there are so many laws that were not in place twenty years ago regarding how we can approach children and I feel like such a target that I feel that if I just take the fucking bottle certain kids would do everything in their power to fuck me over.  Problem is these kids definitely know their rights, courtesy of their enabling parents.  And they’re very lucky because I’d totally love to shove those bottles down their fucking throats.

Honorable Mention goes to those so-called fidget spinners that nearly everyone in my school now plays with – in class.  When I asked a few kids for an explanation for their playing with them in class one boy told me “they help with anxiety”.  I had to call bullshit, considering that there was not one anxious kid in that particular group.  None of them know what anxiety is.  Upon doing research I read that they allegedly help students hold their attention in class, but I unfortunately don’t buy that shit one bit because in class I watch some of them just get lost with these stupid spinners.

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R.I.P. New York City…or Why I’m Glad I Got Out!

Posted on by Mike

This is actually going to be full article based on a random thought I wrote about just last year, regarding the decline of New York City’s diversity and character because let’s face it…it’s just gotten worse and will continue to do so.

So it all started just two nights ago, when I came across this article:

http://ny.curbed.com/2016/8/12/12452636/target-east-village-opening-date

Wait…what the fuck?  A new, two floor Target in the East Village?  With a 30-year lease on the building?!  First off, I’m a bit biased here because I used to work at Target but…ew!  Also…why?  Why Target and why in the East Fucking Village??  Then, I reminded myself of exactly why: money talk$.

I wrote a year ago that many of the places I used to know were going away at a pretty steady pace, especially at my old haunts, specifically St. Mark’s Place, which I had said was at least hanging on a thread so long as Sounds was still around, even if it was open just three days a week by that point, if anything for the sake of posture.  Whoops!  Not too long after I wrote that piece Sounds finally did close down for good, signaling THE end of the more culturally diverse St. Mark’s Place I used to know once and for all.  Why?  Because who the fuck can afford these fucking rent hikes?  Oh wait…chain stores can!

Oh, I can go on and on about when I first noticed this change, and how it changed the entire landscape of Manhattan alone – don’t even get me started with Brooklyn!  But instead I’m going to rant about who we can all blame for this and if you live or used to live anywhere in New York City (like me) you already know why: yuppies and especially hipsters.  The hipsters started fucking everything up when they came to Williamsburg, Brooklyn from whatever bumfuck towns/states they grew up in during the late 90’s/early 2000’s with their daddys’ checkbooks in search of somewhere cheap as hell.  In just a few years time a once extremely dangerous part of Brooklyn now had hipster themed bars and vintage record shops on almost every street corner.  And not only that, rent was now fucking sky high.  I was an intern for a music marketing firm in Manhattan in 2007 and a considerable portion of the hipster fuckheads I worked with lived in “Billyburg”.  The only way they could be living there was if their parents were paying the rent because I can tell you right now they sure as fuck weren’t making even remotely decent salaries at this particular firm.  I’d look for apartments in Brooklyn on craigslist and some of these prices were retarded.  $2000 for a studio off of Bedford Ave?  Really?  But if you want to know how I truly feel about hipsters just watch this amazing clip from The Gentlemen’s Rant.  Skip to the 1:50 mark for my favorite part!

This was just the beginning, of course.  Soon, the resulting trickle down effect happened: Manhattan followed suit.  The hipsters lived in Williamsburg in order to be as close to Manhattan as possible so before anyone knew it any area near the Williamsburg Bridge, especially the Lower East Side, started changing at that steady paced I mentioned before to cater to these motherfuckers.  The trickle down effect here?  Long standing Mom and Pop stores began to close shop to be replaced by some really strange fucking things.

This also spread, of course, throughout most of Manhattan, not just the Lower East Side.  Old buildings were being knocked down to make room for high rise condos that I know I sure can’t afford.  Here’s a quick story.  My dad’s been in real estate since 2005, having gotten his real estate license from NYU in 1988, and he was responsible for one of these buildings in the Lower East Side being knocked down in 2007.  He told me that while on site a girl came up to him asking him to please sign her petition to stop these developers from knocking the building down, obviously having no idea she was talking to the very person behind the whole thing.  Oops!

To some of you reading this I risk coming off as yelling at yuppies and hipsters to get off my lawn like a bitter old man.  You’d be wrong.  Yeah, I hate yuppies and REALLY hate hipsters.  But my big problem is that because of them, and more specifically about their lack of history, having not grown up in the city like I did, they appear to truly lack any appreciation for the charm New York City once had.  It was once such a diverse city.  I don’t just mean for the reputation of it’s many areas – not just the parts I mentioned – but because you could go into any street corner and find something completely random and enjoyable.  Hell, twelve years ago I could just turn to W 48th St in the tourist trap that is Times Square and I’d just happen to find the once infamous Music Row.  You’re reading correctly, there was once an entire block of just music instrument stores.  Several Sam Ash buildings, each one dedicated to specific instruments, Rudy’s, the world famous Manny’s Music, just to name a few.

Oh, here’s my favorite.  A 111 year old art supply store right around the corner from Webster Hall is being forced out of business because the building was sold to some jerkoff who plans to make the building into a hotel geared toward…millennials??  What the fuck does that require exactly that a piece of HISTORY is being forced to close down for this?  Someone please tell me.  What exactly makes millennials so fucking special?  Is it the computer thing??  Since the age range for millennials is between 1982 and 2002 I guess I’d be considered a millennial on paper, being that I was born in 1984.  But I’m no millennial because just about anyone born in the 80’s knew how to survive without cellphones and computers.  Ask the kids today when they last experienced a fleeting, random moment.  You’d probably hear crickets for a long time because that’s how often their heads are down at their smartphones they honestly have NO BUSINESS carrying around at twelve years old.

So here’s my main point to all of this.  Gentrification my ass!  If I wanted to go to an outdoor strip mall I’d go to probably any other city…or an outdoor strip mall.  I used to live in a city that had a very special charm to it, one that was different, one with so much diversity and excitement, one with character.  These were the things that made it The Greatest City In The World, because it’s not that anymore, not when I see Subway restaurants on nearly every street corner and increasingly more homeless people on the streets because they were evicted for their inability to pay their rents.  If you’re reading this and are as disgusted with what’s become of it all like I was, do yourself a favor and get out while you still can…like I did, because it’s no longer just the East Village that’s dead – all of New York City is!

There are times now where I drive on Route 3 E and if I catch it around sunset I get a gorgeous view of the city from afar.  But every time come across this brilliant view I sadly can’t help but always think to myself the same thing over and over again: “New York City…beautiful to look at…ugly to live in…”

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