Tag: “Sarcasm”

Random Thoughts

Posted on by Mike

All Hail The Race Card!

Image result for lisa maria falcone

I’m so disinterested in the things rich celebrities say or do that I had no clue who the fuck Lisa Marie Falcone, with her surgically implanted cheeks…or her piano playing pig, even was until last week.  I also learned that her style of entitlement and ignorance apparently isn’t just for white people anymore either.  Long story boring, her billionaire dipshit husband, Phil Falcone is facing a lawsuit for unpaid wages by former employee, chef Brian Villanueva.

But wait!  Here’s the fun part.  According to Villanueva, here’s what Lisa Maria Falcone had to say about his girlfriend, also a chef, during a dinner party which included Lisa’s supposed best friend Alicia Keys and her husband Swizz Beatz: “Your girlfriend speaks very well. She seems educated. I would describe her as a chocolate-covered marshmallow”.  When asked what the fuck that meant, an arrogant Falcone told Villanueva: “Alicia (Keys) doesn’t speak that way. She didn’t have an education and was just discovered by (record producer) Clive Davis when she was 15 years old. Swizz (Beatz) definitely doesn’t speak that way either.”

Oh, did you think we were finished?  When Falcone finally took notice that her chef just…maybe…was a tad offended, she continued by asking Villanueva: “Do you use the word ‘n—a’ at home with your girlfriend?  I’m Puerto Rican and grew up in Spanish Harlem so I can speak like that.  You’re not ethnic like black people and Puerto Rican people. You’re only a minority.  Talk to my black friends. They will tell you that I am not racist.”

So many things I can say here and so little time.

The Race Card.  Such a classic way to justify ignorance, especially with celebrities and rich folk.  Former Alabama Governor George Wallace, who once claimed: “In the name of the greatest people that have ever trod this earth, I draw the line in the dust and toss the gauntlet before the feet of tyranny, and I say segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever.”, had the nerve decades later to say in a 2000 documentary on his life that he wasn’t racist and tried to justify it by bring out an elderly black man and saying this man was his best friend.

No, dickhead.  No.

Knowing, or being close friends with one or two people who happen to be of a different ethnicity to you can never justify calling out his/her race in any way.  My oldest friend of thirty years, and literally THE best friend I ever had, is black.  But I also know that if I were to go off on some crazy racist tirade and justify it by saying that my oldest friend is black, he still wouldn’t think twice of putting the kibosh on what we have.  Because he’s not stupid.  And in that same side of things, Lisa Marie Falcone, you ignorant, spoiled cunt, being a Puerto Rican from Spanish Harlem doesn’t justify you singling out anyone – especially when there’s so much money to be taken from you when you – and especially your tax dodging husband – keep fucking up.  Go you!  Jackass!

The Politics Of Hypocrisy

Image result for Michael Bloomberg

“I always believed that leadership involves listening and reading and respecting diverse viewpoints and acknowledging when you didn’t get them right. Over time, I’ve come to understand something that I long struggled to admit to myself: I got something important wrong. I got something important really wrong.

I didn’t understand that back then the full impact that stops were having on the black and Latino communities. I was totally focused on saving lives. But, as we know, good intentions aren’t good enough.
Now, hindsight is 20/20. But, as crime continued to come down as we reduced stops, and as it continued to come down during the next administration, to its credit, I now see that we could and should have acted sooner, and acted faster, to cut the stops. I wish we had and I’m sorry that we didn’t. But I can’t change history. However, today, I want you to know that I realize back then I was wrong and I’m sorry.”
These were former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s words regarding the Stop And Frisk policy just a few days ago.
I’m not one to ever discuss politics on this blog, or ever, really.  And I won’t even get into it now.  But let’s talk about why he’s even apologizing.  Does he truly mean it?  Let’s see…now’s the time to get on the band wagon with every other Democrat hoping to be the next year’s Presidential front runner so….I’m going to go with hell fuck no!  For those of you not in the know, Bloomberg, a life long Democrat switch sides just so he could run for office.
On the outside his views could switch at the drop of a hat.  But on the inside it was different.  As a native New Yorker, and a city worker, I won’t hesitate to say he spent way too much time micro managing the city as if it was his famous corporation.  Also, I directly blame him for the gentrification of the city post 9/11, causing rent to increase across the board, ultimately marking the beginning of the gradual demise of most mom and pop businesses in the city, and also forcing tenants out of their homes and on to the streets.
So with that in mind, is he really sorry that his take on crime and punishment might just be what caused the rift between minority groups and the NYPD, a rift that’s just as strong today as it was when Stop And Frisk was in effect?  Or is the businessman in him just looking to get that much coveted minority vote?  Me?  I’d say some snakes just never change their stripes.  Politics.  The fun just never stops.
My Makeshift Email To My Hypothetical Employees
To anyone who might be new to this site, I work full time in education.  Quite a trip.  For every few students that will work their hardest and always make you smile, there’ll always be that one psycho trying to stab you with a pencil.  Or worse!
So, I receive e-mails from my school’s Assistant Principal every Sunday morning.  Here’s an example of her introductory paragraph:
“Happy Sunday all.  I hope that you are enjoying your weekend.  I had to go out of town this weekend so as I am in the passenger side of the car, riding, I am thinking about what happened this week at work, the mounds of paperwork that need to be done, and what I need to get for Thanksgiving and suddenly, I just look out the window.  We are driving over a bridge and I am just staring out the window intently.  My husband looks over at me and says, “I know that look, you have an idea”.  And I say, “this bridge has me thinking of P.S. ##(don’t think for a second I was going to let you fuckers know where I work!)”.  Have you looked at the characteristics of a bridge.  They have barriers on both sides for your protection.  It serves as a means to get to the other side.”…and so on and so forth, blah blah blah…
I like my Assistant Principal a lot.  I really do.  But let’s face it, this shit is as phony as it gets.  I totally understand what she’s trying to achieve with this dribble.  But does she really expect us to believe she was looking at a bridge, or watching some TV show, or playing some sport and was suddenly inspired to find a correlation between that and the school?  Fuck no!
But it led me think about what I’d do if I was in her position and wanted to stay close with my hypothetical staff.  Would I write a weekly blog like this?  And if I did, what the fuck would I do to at least try to keep it real?  I wonder…
Good Morning!  I hope everyone did something this weekend to improve their overall mental and emotional health in order to begin yet another productive, fulfilling week here.  Let’s be real, that could be a lot of things.  And so long as I don’t see it, I could give two fucks what you do.  Do you drink a fifth of vodka on a Friday night and pick a fight with a random stranger?  Pick up a few hookers to relieve some…tension?  Attend some “parties”?  Perhaps you punch a few walls in your garage?  Who cares?  If it makes you feel fresh and recharged by the time you come back here on Monday morning, as the famous, decades old Nike slogan says – just do it! 
So, my own weekend wasn’t so exciting.  Ran out of beer and was too lazy (and exhausted from dealing with all of your students since no one seems to be able to handle them!) to go out and get more, wasn’t able to hit that 400lb squat in the gym and BOTH my fuck buddies were sick.  What the fuck are the chances of THAT happening?  So, with nowhere else to turn to, I broke out the laptop and watched an old clip from the favorites section of my YouPorn account!  In a clip entitled “Man, His Wife, And The Babysitter”, the wife walks in on his husband….well…getting sucked off by the babysitter.  Well, duh! 
Long story boring, the wife decides to take control of the situation by forcing the now guilt stricken babysitter to continue sucking her husband off, ultimately taking turns fucking this guy that, in any REAL situation would never be this lucky.  And of course, wifey, the betrayal still fresh in her mind, waits until he’s good and spent before declaring “I want a divorce!”, as she storms out of her soon to be ex’s office.  
This whole situation got me to thinking of our school, its trials and tribulations, its many ups and downs (no not THOSE ups and downs!),who’s backstabbing and betraying who, and feelings among each other as a staff and as a family.  You don’t need to be told that we won’t always agree with each other’s ideas and approaches on helping our students succeed.  In fact, I’m almost positive some of you ICT teachers in particular are ready to just KILL each other after ten months of conflicting personalities, approaches, intrusions such as teacher assistants and cluster teachers changing preps on you.  But if three people can have super hot sex in the most awkward of times, with the older wife showing the younger, greener babysitter how it’s done, then I fail to see how we as a staff cannot get through the most awkward of moments by simply taking the raw emotion out of a situation.
For ten months out of the year we need to set an example to these impressionable, young scholars.  What example do you think we set if we fight in front of them?  What sense of authority or even stability are we providing if, for 6 and a half measly hours per day, we can’t keep it together?  Of course, this is not to say break out into having sex if you have to show your co-teacher “how it’s done”…but if you do just make sure it’s in a closet somewhere and take pictures!  😉  It’s time for me to go clean myself off.  But I’ll leave you with this before I go: just ride it out until June and on that last day, in the same way that pissed off wife declared she wanted a divorce, you can tell you co-teacher to go fuck him/herself and ride off into the sunset until September…only to begin the whole process all over again.  See you all tomorrow!
Respectfully Yours,
Your Angry Metalhead Principal
Follow me on social media.  Or not.

Lift With Hatred: The Workout – Part 1

Posted on by Mike

I’ve been talking about this for a year.  My own training template for beginning lifters, an easy, basic, bullshit free style, thoughtfully put together through many sources plus my experience both as a personal trainer as well as someone who once struggled to the point that all seemed hopeless.  Training, regardless of your goals, is much more of a cerebral game than most newbies would realize.

You have to learn the art of Autoregulation, listening to your body to realize what kind of stimuli it will and won’t respond to in terms of exercises and reps and sets and all that bullshit.  Speaking of bullshit, be ready to have have all sorts of advice thrown your way by both the ones who actually look like they lift and especially the ones who look more like they just took some program off Bodybuilding.com without doing any real research and just began “working out” a few weeks ago.  They’re hilarious!  But more important than either of those, is the development of your mental toughness.

The lifts you’ll be performing will be simple, but brutal after a while.  You’ll be repeating a lot of these almost every workout and you’ll get bored.  You can either just give up because you can’t take the repetition, or you can suck it up, follow the program to the T and reap the rewards later.  Yeah, I’m an angry asshole – and lack of patience usually comes with being angry!  But I at least understand that Rome wasn’t built in a day either.  But hey, what the fuck do I know?  I only Deadlift more than double my bodyweight.

Training Philosophy

Why do we Lift With Hatred?  What’s your daily life like?  Kids?  Nagging wife/girlfriend/baby mama?  Nagging husband/boyfriend/baby daddy?  Feeling disrespected by your boss?  Colleagues?  Random pieces of shit on the streets who need to be put in their place?  They all have one thing in common: it all can get to your head.

Lift With Hatred isn’t “just” some fucking saying I came up with to look awesome.  It’s cerebral.  It’s emotion.  It’s taking all the negativity that you endure throughout your day, and channeling it into something badass, like hitting a squat PR with everything you have.  Let’s face it, I’d love to beat the shit out of one or two of my “colleagues” at work…as well as several “family” members; but I also know that I’m not in the mood to go to jail right now.

Lift With Hatred is a way of life.  So how exactly do we Lift With Hatred?  You look deep into your mind; think about one person who always does you wrong, or your significant other who cheated on you, or that random shithead on the streets you said the wrong thing.  Take those feelings of wanting to beat them to the point of near death (the movie Bugsy comes to mind!), and take it out on those weights.  Why?  Because a powerful physique is far more beneficial than a rap sheet!

The Do’s and Don’ts Of What You’ll Need

I delved into this a little bit in an article called Lift With Hatred: Stupid Shit In The Gym.  But here’s is small, ridiculously simple list of what you’ll need to start off – and it’s not much – along with what you definitely won’t need.

Need

Shoes With A Flat Sole

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This is often recommended by a lot of reputable coaches and for good reason.  In as  simple of an explanation as possible, you want to always be able to “split the ground”, or push down against the floor, when performing any compound move.  You can’t do that if your shoes don’t allow you feet to be completely on the floor.  So most sneakers are out of the question.  A flat sole usually provides a bit more traction and allows you to use your posterior chain more, which is crucial for most strength based routines.  If you’ve been squatting for a while in sneakers, I guarantee you’ll quickly find out how strong your squat really is once you switch over.  I switched over in 2010 and I couldn’t believe how weak I really was (see the Chuck Taylors above!)!  There’s also the possibility of tipping over during a heavy squat or deadlift.  So you can take my word for it or not.  Up to you.  Just don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.  Recommendations include but are not limited to: Converse Chuck Taylor hi tops, Otomix or Adidas Wrestling Shoes.  Don’t worry about getting Adidas Powerlifts, Do-Wins, or anything with a heel until it’s absolutely necessary.

Mini Resistance Bands

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Resistance bands in short are fucking amazing.  These bands were popularized by those sadistic lunatics over at Westside Barbell long ago, and now everyone and their mother uses them.  Why?  Constant tension.  Advanced and elite level lifters use them at multiple sizes to add weighted tension to lighter percentages of their maxes, because more tension will force you to work faster.  Remember, speed is one of the two components of power.  But you’ll be using these as a quick warm up for your rear delts before every workout because they’re not only conveniently small enough to carry, but because not every gym has a dowel rod available for a move like Shoulder Dislocations.  So for that reason, just order a mini band.

Foam Roller

I first read about foam rollers more than a decade ago in a Men’s Health workout guide that’s I’m pretty sure I still have somewhere; but I’m pretty sure it was Muscle And Fitness that called it “The Poor Man’s Massage”.  And it is.  It’s also a great way to open up the muscles at the beginning of your warm-up.  Does your job require you to sit all day long?  You’re hips, lats, pectorals and front delts are probably tighter than your fifteen year old sister, and you’ll know where those tender spots are when you find it.  You’ll be yelling “hurts so good!” like the closet submissive that you are in no time!

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Lacrosse Ball

Use a Lacrosse ball to massage areas that you might not be able to successfully hit with a foam roller, such as you piriformis and especially your feet.

Don’t Need 

Any Kind Of Lifting Belt

Go ahead and tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about.  Done?  Feel better?  Great – now go suck me!  Now that that’s out of the way…you’re reading this correctly.  If you’re just starting ANY routine, you do NOT need a belt of any kind.  The purpose of a belt is to provide you with  something to push your abs into, allowing the abs to achieve an even harder contraction.  But unless you’re squatting or deadlifting more than you weigh, focus on developing your “natural belt”, aka your abs.  At one point you’ll need one, but for this beginner’s routine I wouldn’t worry about it.

Almost Every Supplement Out There

Here’s another thing that’ll have people telling me I know nothing.  They can still go suck me.  Not including protein powder, there’s no need to spend your money on any kind of preworkout, creatine monohydrate, or fat burners.  I’m not saying they don’t have they’re place; but if you’re new to training and are thin, you need to eat as if you’re one of the fat slobs slowly marching toward death’s door in Supersize Me, clearly rendering fat burners useless here ((although they don’t really do much at all!).  In terms of preworkout, there’s no real need for that much caffeine if you’re just starting with an empty bar.  Creatine Monohydrate is arguably the single safest supplement out there, especially in it’s powdered form (which is cheaper yet way more effective than it’s pill form).  It retains water in the muscles.  Sodium does the same shit.  But if you want to use Creatine, I’d recommend at least seeing what kind of muscular foundation you can build without it on your own first.  Otherwise, you could just take a tablespoon of sea salt and mix that in a gallon of water.

Gloves

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An actual depiction of what you look like when you wear gloves to the gym.

Gloves: GAY.  I definitely when on a tirade regarding gloves in the article I mentioned above.  But to be short: DO NOT WEAR FUCKING GLOVES.  Unless you have nerve damage you don’t need them.  Gloves provide a layer between your hands and the bar.  Sounds like protection, and it is.  But your grip strength won’t develop and it needs to in order for this or any REAL program to work.  One of my clients recently bitched when he realized he was developing calluses on his hands, saying when he touched his wife he wanted smooth hands for her.  Yeah?  You know what your wife would appreciate more?  Man hands!  So do yourself a favor and ditch the gloves.  Actually no…BURN THEM.  Or go get a sex change and start calling yourself Sparkles while singing along to this:

The Warm-Up

Here’s a simple warm-up that should take a least ten minutes once you get the hang of everything.  For this you’ll need your foam roller and your mini resistance band.  Some of the moves you’ll see here I’ve taken from either books I’ve read over the years or things I’ve learned recently.  Some of this is taken from the DeFranco Agile 8 (I’ll leave a link below).

  1. Start off by foam rolling your entire body.  As I mentioned earlier, some of you might have jobs that require sitting all day.  So some of the key joints and limbs here might be real tight.  That’s why it’s important to hit EVERYTHING, not just your shoulders, legs and hips.  Foam roll your piriformis (or use a lacrosse ball), your pecs, even your biceps (they’re connected to your shoulders after all).
  2. Dynamic Warm-up.   Remember when your elementary school gym teacher made you do shit like jumping jacks and jogging in place before actually doing anything?  Well they were on to something.  Dynamic movements help loosen your muscles, as well as increase your heart rate.  Never EVER perform static stretches before working out.  Stretching a cold muscle could possibly lead to an injury.  This warm-up includes body only movements along with resistance band movements for the rear delts:

Body Only

Side Planks: 20 – 30 seconds per side

Leg Swings: 10 – 15 swings per leg (make sure you feel the stretch in both your quads and your hamstrings depending on the direction)

Groiners: ten reps altogether.

With A Mini Resistance Band 

Band Pull Aparts: 8 – 12 reps above the nipple line, followed by 8 – 12 reps below the nipple line (where you’d position the bar for the Bench Press); Banded Shoulder Dislocations: 8 – 12 reps; Band Face Pull With External Rotation: 8 – 12 reps.  When I  say external rotation, I simply mean that instead of finishing the movement with your fists facing in front of you and over your head, they instead will be facing you as if you’re flexing your biceps, or jerking off two dicks in a bukkake video, or whatever floats your boat.

I’d actually hold off on the resistance band portion of the warm-up until you’re ready to perform any upper body movements.  In Part 2 of the workout I’ll be presenting to separate templates for two relatively different goals.  But both workouts will be starting with a posterior chain exercise to isolate the lower back and there’s no point, really, in warming up the shoulders to work on your lower back.  But that’s just my two sense.  Stay tuned for part 2.  Feel free to message me with any questions, complaints, death threats, sacrifices, etc.

Buy Shit:

Mini Resistance Bands:

Westside Barbell Mini Band

Foam Rollers:

https://www.amazon.com/TriggerPoint-Roller-Instructional-Original-13-inch/dp/B008YPZQCU

Cheap Yet Highly Effective Weight Lifting Shoes:

https://www.amazon.com/Converse-Mens-Chuck-Taylor-Women/dp/B000OLVPBI/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2Q3JPVWFSXZ7Z&keywords=chuck+taylors&qid=1564284391&s=sporting-goods&sprefix=chuck+%2Csporting%2C136&sr=1-4

My Tirade On Gym Fads:

https://metalheadconfessions.com/2018/09/25/lift-with-hatred-stupid-shit-in-the-gym/

Sources:

https://www.t-nation.com/training/defranco-agile-8

How to Deadlift with Proper Form: The Definitive Guide

https://www.healthline.com/health/fitness-exercise/lacrosse-ball-massage#9

Album Of The Year 2018

Posted on by Mike

I know what you’re thinking.  There are a few albums I could’ve easily picked to be my top pick for this year’s Album Of The Year pick.   Hate Eternal and High On Fire both came out with new albums.  Fuck, speaking of Matt Pike and High On Fire, his previous band, Sleep, released a comeback album that some of you are STILL fisting yourselves to!  And that’s fine…but I can give two shits because Alice In Chains came back with an amazingly, dark, depressing, desolate new album. I’m talking better than 2013’s The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here by fucking far!

Oh sure, I was already excited since I’ve worshiped this band and especially Jerry Cantrell for half my life now; but then I heard the opening single:

Well holy shit.  Just go straight to that chorus line and I can swear the music sounds like it could’ve fit beautifully on the band’s 1995 self titled album.  In fact, a major portion of Rainier Fog sounds very much like it would’ve fit right in on the aforementioned self titled album.  And as it turns out, the band decided to take trip back to the past to get the right aura for recording my Album Of The Year.

The band set up camp back in Seattle at Studio X, former Bad Animals Studios, which Ann and Nancy Wilson of Heart owned between 1991 and 1997 and as actually named after their their 1987 album of the same name (this was when Heart were 80s sellouts playing shit arena rock).  Bad Animals is where the band recorded their self titled album, sadly their last with the late Layne Staley on vocals.  So needless to say, if you believe in ghosts, you just might here one of two on here.

The product of this return to their roots of sorts is such a fucking downer.  It’s so depressing it’s beautiful.  Gone are a lot of the Heavy Metal aspects of their previous album and especially their 2009 masterpiece of a comeback album, Black Gives Way To Blue; but there is still a shit ton of Doom all around, providing the proverbial atmosphere of a perennial rainy day.  Make no mistake though, Rainier Fog is still heavy as balls, still an exercise in Sabbath worship.

Tracks such as “The One You Know”, “Rainier Fog”, Cantrell’s tribute to the Seattle scene, “Red Giant”, “Drone” and “Never Fade”, the second single from the album, prove Alice are still the very definition of a modern day Black Sabbath…and that Cantrell is still a GOD.  These tracks in particular are the closest to being “grungy” as the band has sounded in 23 years, with slow, crushing riffs, drums that supply the groove yet still let the songs breath, and those vocal harmonies.  It can’t be made anymore obvious that whether William DuVall is singing or Jerry himself, Jerry is truly the mastermind behind some of these virtually morbid vocal arrangements.  Only Alice In Chains could ever make me want to kill myself through beautifully depressing harmonies!  In fact, I feel like “The One You Know” can be like the sequel to “Grind”!  And “Drone” is truly a Sabbath Worship song in just about every way.  The chorus line is especially depression as Cantrell sings “I’ll stay here and feed my pet black hole…”.

Speaking of Sabbath Worship, “Deaf Ears Blind Eyes”, is as doomy as it gets.  It’s main, single note guitar lines could’ve easily been used on Master Of Reality.  But what will really grab your attention is Cantrell’s haunting vocal arrangement.  Clearly a song about what happens when you let anxiety run your life, I had to do a double take and make sure I wasn’t listening to a 90’s recording with Layne on vocals because it sure sounded like it!  It’s probably one of to more lyrically profound tracks on here as Cantrell sings “feel like a fake thing/where did the time go?/Memories worth making/pass by the window…”.

On the other end of the Sabbath Worship is “So Far Under”, the one song solely penned by DuVall…who clearly has spent way too much time with Cantrell.  That bending note in the chorus is essentially the “seasick riff” Cantrell used on “Check My Brain”, hence why it can be easily to immediately think Cantrell wrote it.  Oh sure, the lyrics may be some of the most positive on Rainier Fog, but his solo (his not Jerry’s!) screams Tony Iommi and the chorus just happens to bring you r right back down…and seasick.

As for the lighter tracks on here, “Fly” is essentially the sequel to “Over Now”.  I don’t know how else to put it.  Here…just listen for yourself:

And “Maybe” is literally a tour de force of what Jerry and William are capable of as a vocal duo.  They’ve become so good at it in the last nine years that at times it can be hard to figure out who the fuck is singing what.  It’s yet another song about loneliness but their singing will make you want to embrace it in such a romantic way.  If you think I’m nuts after reading that line you’re not an Alice In Chains fan.

Oh, and speaking of loneliness, the most depressing, emotionally draining song on here clearly had to be saved for last.  “All I Am” is sad as fuck from the first atmospheric pulse as it cuts through the ending to “Never Fade”.  It’s hard to really say what the hell Jerry is talking about here.  But I can only assume it’s about someone who’s so damaged from drug use that he can’t even recognize himself anymore.  Would that be too much of a surprise?  Let’s not forget that drugs nearly decimated this band with Layne’s tragic death sixteen years ago to heroin and cocaine.  Everyone in this band were all guilty.  AS I mentioned in my review of Dirt, Jerry was drinking heavily and taking Xanax during the sessions for it.  I just know that when I heard it, I imagine someone on a raft, struggling to stay afloat as he’s being rushed through rapids, rain teaming down in him.  The final result?  Does he survive and rise above?  Does he drown?  It’s all up to you, the listener.  I just know that if you want an album that makes you feel every negative, suicidal emotion you can, Rainier Fog is your go to album.

 

Random Thoughts

Posted on by Mike

Fuck, where to begin here…

Being nearly 34 now (last month marked three years since I started this blog, by the way) and working with some real shitheads in a really fucked up part of Brooklyn, NY, I’m often bothered when I hear people say stupid shit like “Man, kids these days don’t know better”, “Kids these days don’t know what hard work is!”, “Kids these days are so dumb!”, blah blah blah.  Lets face it, EVERY fucking generation has said that about the generation succeeding them.  But in reality, I 100% blame the parents for the way I see some of these fuckfaces act.  I’d know – I’ve met parents who either have no clue how to control their own kids or they’ve no desire to because they still want to party like they did before that fateful night in which they got knocked up by that baby daddy who would disappear just days later.

Then, I hear about some shit as outlandish as THIS and I have to wonder if just maybe today’s youth really are that fucking stupid.

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The…Condom Snorting Challenge???

Yeah, you read that sub-title correctly.  Earlier this year, kids all over were eating Tide pods…I sadly had no real time to fully write about it, although I did make remarks regarding the situation on my Instagram and Facebook accounts.  So, I only found out about this shit yesterday, just as I was wondering it these idiots could somehow outdo themselves in the Retard Department.  Well, I guess they can, eh?  Just ask the retard in the picture above!

So according to CBS News, this actually started a few years ago for about five seconds and then was sadly just revived recently.  What is this “challenge” exactly?  You snort a whole condom up one nostril, inhaling it, and hoping it comes out of your mouth.  Has your ultra kinky wife/girlfriend ever tried anything this fucking stupid??  Exactly.  And teenagers are doing this.

As I write this now I’m reminded of Andrew Salvatore, an old friend I went to elementary and junior high school with.  I bumped into him at a Brendan Small (Metalocalypse) show at Starland Ballroom in 2009 after not seeing him for nearly five years.  He was now a paramedic in Tom’s River and he told me that the then-latest drug craze surely outdid any of his old “get high” attempts.  Kids were letting their own human waste ferment in the sun, wrapped in a balloon, and then inhale it inhale it in order to feel the effects of Jenkem, a hallucinogen created by the fermentation.  And what does this hallucinogen do exactly?  It allegedly allows these idiots to have “visions” unlike sniffing glue in which you hear voices.  I wonder if these “visions” are of random people who look just like me, telling them that they should go kill themselves?  Because that’s exactly what anyone INHALING THEIR OWN SHIT should do right now.  Yesterday.

Digressions aside though, there actually is a silver lining to this condom snorting shit, if you could believe that.  According to Dr. Robert Glatter in the earlier mention CBS report, “Even if you successfully complete the challenge and pull the condom out your mouth, the bottom line is that it’s incredibly irritating and a good chance it will wreak havoc on your sinuses, nasal passages, and upper airway”.  That’s right kids!  If you’re too stupid to remember that there are lubricants and chemicals in those rubbers you’re putting up your nose, you really do deserve every horrible burning sensation and all the damage that will be done your sinus cavities.  You also deserve nothing but the feelings of worthlessness for the rest of your lives.

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The YouTube Shooting

Before I go any further with this I want to make clear that what happened yesterday was nothing to laugh about, obviously.  This could’ve happened to anyone, anywhere, and it’s a miracle this piece of shit’s victims are still alive.

Now that I got that out of the way, let’s take a brief look at Nasim Aghdam, the Iranian “Vegan Bodybuilder” (she hardly looked the part to begin with!) who drove ten hours just to shoot up the YouTube offices in San Bruno, CA with 9mm handgun:

 

Speaking of hallucinogens….if you watched this video ALL THE WAY TO THE END, then I really want to know what you’re on and if I could get some.  There’s no way anyone in their right mind could take that one video alone seriously.  I can see that YouTube decided to remove this shit just on the basis that it just RETARDED.  In some of her now deleted rants, this self righteous vegan psycho said that “I am being discriminated and filtered on YouTube. My new videos hardly get views”.

Ok and so the fuck what?  I only started posting workout videos on YouTube two years ago and they hardly get ANY views.  Fuck that, in the twelve years since I started my account I’ve only amassed a staggering 159 subscribers.  I guess I should get my old 20 gauge out, drive cross country and start firing away, right?  Hey, maybe if you didn’t release just stupidity you would’ve never accused YouTube of ruining your life – or maybe you could’ve gotten a real job.  Then again…who’d hire a militant jackass like you anyway?

But I’m going to repeat a statement I made on my Facebook account about jackasses like this.  She was a vegan?  Just for that she should’ve killed herself a long time ago – and I would’ve been more than happy to help her get the job done while eat a nice, juicy, rack of ribs – or even a filet mignon.  Go fuck yourself, and if Hell really does exist I hope you fucking rot.  Let this be a message to all of you: if you want to shoot things because social media is ruining your life, just maybe you should look in the mirror you fucking losers.  You can either then see that YOU ARE THE PROBLEM AND NEED TO CHANGE NOW….or just go ahead and kill yourselves, remaining a laughing stock even in death, like this stupid bitch.

The CBS Report On The Condom Shit:

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/condom-snorting-challenge-experts-warn-dangerous-trend/

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In Memory Of “Fast” Eddie Clarke…and the end of a legend.

Posted on by Mike

Wen I began this blog in March of 2015, I clearly had no way of knowing that within months I’d begin paying tribute to the dying members of the classic Motorhead lineup as they slowly began dying.  It started with drummer “Philthy Animal” Taylor, then a few weeks later we lost Lemmy himself, obviously signaling the end of the band.  Then came the news earlier this month that we lost guitarist “Fast” Eddie Clarke on Jan 10, 2018 due to pneumonia.  What a shitty way to start off the new year, because he was the last surviving member of the original lineup that brought us such filthy albums like Overkill,  Bomber, and of course, Ace Of Spades.

Wanna know why those early albums were so influential?  Yeah, Lemmy and “Philthy” brought the thunder, but Eddie brought the filth.  Eddie’s guitar style is heavily rooted in blues, and rightfully so.  But the way he incorporated it into the Motorhead sound was just…so…fucking…imperfect that it was perfect!  His riffs, his speed, his ATTITUDE, the let it fly style in his solos.  Add in that voice that sounds like Lemmy gargled fire and the result is pure, beautiful, disgusting filth and no one else can come close.  When he left after 1982’s Iron Fist, shit was never the same.  That’s not a knock, Motorhead continued to kick ass all the way until Lemmy died.  But shit just seemed less filthy afterwards. Here are two examples from Overkill that show just how filthy Eddie’s playing was.

 

 

Rest In Peace “Fast” Eddie Clarke.  October 5th, 1950 – January 10th, 2018.

Doug Young: The Hardcore King Of Powerlifting

Posted on by Mike

See that beast in the main picture?  That motherfucker right there is THE reason I became a fan of Powerlifting to begin with.  This is the story of Doug Young, more than a man’s man, but an absolute GOD in the early era of the sport.

I had already gained some interest into what Powerlifting was the day I started surfing YouTube videos thanks to the growing popularity of Starting Strength, a beginner’s strength routine.  I found an old video of a televised Powerlifting event on NBC Sports with commentary from former Powerlifter and coach Terry Todd and a very young Bryant Gumbel.  It turned out to be the 1977 IPF World Championships, held in Perth Australia.  After watching a Squat World Record cat fight between Paul Jordan and Larry Pacifico, which resulted in Paul hurting himself in three places because he went for heavier weight than he could handle like a retard, as well as Vince Anello winning first place in the Mid Heavyweight division for Team USA, it was the Heavyweights’ turn.

Around the minute mark of this particular video Doug Young appeared as he was getting ready to Squat 699lbs.  The intensity in his eyes could burn a hole right through anyone.  Then, as he began to set himself up, you heard that fucking growl.  This wasn’t no ordinary growl, it truly sounded like a bear was coming out.  It was Doug’s inner rage, having to squat that much weight after dropping thirty pounds in just one week in order to make the 242lbs weight class for Team USA.  Oh he made the squat alright, but in doing so he also broke three ribs.

It clearly was pretty unlikely that he’s continue.  But he did, managing to Bench Press 535lbs, Deadlift 710lbs, and even win first place, all while fainting twice in the process.  “Holy fucking shit this guy is hardcore!” was my initial reaction.  I doubt that Larry Pacifico, who Doug even called out before his 710lb Deadlift attempt, would have balls that big as to compete with three broken ribs after dropping thirty pounds in seven days.  I’m not claiming to be the toughest son of a bitch alive but I doubt highly that even modern day guys like Dan Green or Eric Lillibridge would be brave enough to do that.  Well…maybe Eric would be.

doug_young in color

Power Bodybuilding

In between lifters and attempts interviews were shown with the lifters.  But when they showed Doug’s interview he said something interesting.  He revealed that when he wasn’t training specifically for Powerlifting he’d train “for physique”, claiming that everyone should train to be equally as “pretty” as they do to be strong.  This is called Power Bodybuilding today and, as shown in those interview clips, it’s a lot higher in volume than most people would think, as these training clips shown him performing Bodybuilding type moves, such as dumbbell flyes, dumbbell curls and Skull Crushers.

Doug at his best had a 56 inch chest with a tapered waist.  So not only did he have muscle but also didn’t have much fat on him.  It seemed, for a while, that lifters, regardless of their goals, lost the point but I think it’s coming back now, especially with programs like Jim Wendler’s 5/3/1, which I’ve been using for almost two years now, and Chad Wesley Smith’s Juggernaut system.  It’s that equal balance of stimulating the muscles for both growth and strength, while conditioning yourself too.  Doug Young was the early forefather for what it is to truly be in shape.  Oh and by the way, a year he broke his rib Doug was the first man under 300lbs to Bench Press 612lbs.  With just a t-shirt on.

Doug Young, he was to fore bearer of what it is to truly be in shape and be the total package, and one day in his lifting career was more hardcore than your entire life.

Final Thoughts

Unrelated to Doug Young, I just found out that Kai Green has signed up with Super League and, while it appears he’s not leaving the IFBB, it looks like he’s done competing for them.  That’s a fucking shame!  I don’t follow Bodybuilding like I used to but Kai was my boy.  He may have not won 1st place but he has a legacy so much stronger than his win-loss record.  I looked up Super League and realized that I did actually hear about it maybe a week ago.  Looks promising…but on the flipside, is Kai really that insecure about never beating Phil Heath?

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Chris Cornell And The REAL Death Of Grunge

Posted on by Mike

As I write this today, it’s probably been a few hours now since the funeral for Soundgarden frontman Chris Cornell, who literally shocked the shit out of everyone by hanging himself with a resistance band in his Detroit hotel just hours after he got off stage with the band.  How the fuck could Chris Cornell do this to himself, and why??  To everyone he seemed like the LAST person to be tempted to do such a thing.  A lot of things have been coming to light since the news passed, such as the fact that he’d apparently been taking the anti-anxiety drug Ativan.  One of the things that triggered Chris’s wife to called security on him in the first place was that, according to her, Chris sounded very slurred on the phone.  One side effect of a benzo such as Ativan is a drowsiness that happens to last for a long time.

But there clearly was no fucking way that Ativan alone could cause anyone to just say “fuck it” and hang themselves.  As I discovered the aspects of his horrid childhood in preparation for writing this post, including becoming a full blown junkie at just 13, having full access to heroin and prescription pills, we all discovered yesterday that there were visible signs of fresh track marks on his arms.  If he just relapsed recently it had to be while on the road, and therefore there could be no way his wife would’ve known.  Even creepier, in a way, is that during their set closer, “Slaves and Bulldozers”, Chris slickly slipped in lines from Led Zeppelin’s classic “In My Time Of Dying”.  No shit.  Here’s the proof:

Yeah, I’m sure him requesting to the band to actually play the actual song would’ve clearly raised a few eyebrows.  Lets face it, he probably knew what he was going to do.  But I’m not writing about this to discuss the details of his death, or his apparent life long struggle with drugs and depression.  You can clearly find that anywhere else.  I’m here to write about Chris Cornell the ICON.  Because like it or not, depending on who you ask he was probably more of an icon in music than that little bitch Cobain EVER was.  Why?  Because he literally was one of the originals.

There sadly is a lot of historical significance to his death, that can easily be compared to the day Soundgarden originally broke up a little more than twenty years ago.  Again, depending on whose opinion you ask for, especially the mainstream media shitheads, Grunge died when Cobain offed himself in 1994, causing record labels everywhere to find as many copycats as they could, or face the unnecessary fear of losing money quicker than Wall Street on Black Monday.  But ask anyone else, and they’ll most likely say that Grunge died the day Soundgarden called it quits because they were one of just two bands remaining from the original six band from Seattle to not just manage to stay together, but actually find success.

Long before Shitvana was even a thought Soundgarden was formed by Cornell, Kim Thayil and Hiro Yamamoto in Seattle in 1984.  In 1986 the band were featured on a compilation called Deep Six.  The first release by C/Z Records, it showcase the burgeoning Seattle sound featuring multiple songs from them, The Melvins, Skin Yard, Green River, Malfunkshun, and The U-Men.  While Chris’ immense vocal talents were not yet fully developed, you can clearly hear signs of things to come on this original version of “All Your Lies”, which was later re-recorded for their SST Records debut album, Ultramega OK.

Before I go any further I need to make something clear.  I truly feel now, as an older man of 33, that the term Grunge itself was blown out of proportion too much.  I understand the according to musical standards Grunge is supposed to be the combination of Punk and Metal, with each band leaning toward either genre over the other.  But I honestly feel like Grunge was just a scene, not a musical style.  Hell, just listen to any of the Big Four: Soundgarden, Nirvana, Alice In Chains and Perl Jam.  Fuck the visions of flannel and stories of rampant heroin use among all of them – did ANY of them truly SOUND alike??  If you’re smart then you don’t need me to tell you that the answer is hell fuck no!  Especially in the case of Soundgarden and Alice!

But in the history books, it was Soundgarden who was the first Seattle band from that scene to be signed​ to a major label before any of them.  And while most people clearly weren’t ready for them just yet, it was clear that Cornell was a GOD on the mic, lending to a sound that was easily comparable to Robert Plant fronting Black Sabbath.

For example!

Did you hear that beginning scream blending in beautifully with Kim Thayil’s guitar feedback??  Just tell me that wasn’t EPIC as fuck!!  There are many Soundgarden/Grunge purists who favor Louder Than Love over the later albums, and it’s easy to see why.  But…they clearly didn’t listen to him, as Henry Rollins said in 2000, “peel the paint off walls!” during the song “Jesus Christ Pose” off their 1991 breakthrough album, Badmotorfinger.  Go straight to the 5:13 mark to here the wail of a GOD.

That’s the other most important quality of Soundgarden and especially Chris.  Dave Navarro just yesterday stated that the band were one of the rare few bands of the late 80’s to come out that had both talent AND substance.  The substance?  Chris’s lyrics.  The song “Jesus Christ Pose” is clearly a song about religious hypocrisy, as he sang:

And you stare at me
In your Jesus Christ pose
Arms held out
Like you’ve been carrying a load
And you swear to me
You don’t want to be my slave

But you’re staring at me
Like I, like I need to be saved
Saved, like I need to be saved
Saved

It was lyrics like these that made Soundgarden the thinking man’s metal band in the early 90’s.  But it didn’t end there.  Take this little sample from the song “4th of July” off their 1994 masterpiece, Superunknown:

Pale in the flare light
The scared light cracks and disappears
And leads the scorched ones here
And everywhere no one cares
The fire is spreading
And no one wants to speak about it
Down in the hole
Jesus tries to crack a smile
Beneath another shovel load

I know even Layne Staley or Jerry Cantrell couldn’t even think of lyrics like that.  Add the sludgy riffs and it sounds like a song not even a band like Crowbar could come up with!

This right here is pure Sabbath worship!

That’s what made someone like Chris Cornell a true icon of the Seattle scene, the so-called Grunge scene.  He was THE total package.  He had the talent, the substance, the deep thoughts.  His vocal talents alone were a legitimate RARITY in rock music, with a powerful wail that rivaled ANYONE’s singing during the 90’s.  His lyrics were thoughtful, his riffs could absolutely crush you, they could be so dreamy, and he could even weld them together seamlessly and it’d all make total sense.  Here’s one of my favorite tracks off Superunknown, called “Limowreck”, as an example.

It’s a shame that it took this album and the single “Blackhole Sun”(which I’m blatantly staying away from here) for Soundgarden to finally get the recognition they deserved, ten years after they formed and long after everybody that came along AFTER them got recognition.  This is actually important because Superunknown was released just a month before Cobain died, signaling the beginning of the slow death of what had become a trend so big that flannel was even being worn at fashion shows and sold at even Macy’s.  If you’re old enough to remember seeing the “Gen X” section in Macy’s then congratulations – you’re old!

As said earlier, a sizeable number will tell you Grunge died the day Soundgarden broke up in the spring of 1997.  They were one of the two original surviving bands from the Deep Six era, the other being The Melvins (Thank King Buzzo for introducing Chris and Kim to Drop D tuning).  So while it was a major shock when Soundgarden got back together in 2010, after Chris did several albums with Audioslave (Chris with the jerkoffs from Rage Against The Machine) and an abortion of a solo album with Timbaland, his sudden death is now of even more historical significance than ever.  Yeah, this is beyond tragic and my thoughts go out to Chris’s family.  But from a musical standpoint, we all can sadly say now that if you were to give Grunge a real death date it would be May 18th, 2017, as this so far is the ultimate Heavy Metal tragedy of the year unless something far worse happens.

Rest In Peace Chris Cornell

July 20th, 1964 – May 18th, 2017

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The Bottle Flip “Challenge” And Other Stupid Trends

Posted on by Mike

Another long, annoying, demeaning year with New York City Department of Education is coming to a close – and not soon enough!  But if there’s one thing I can say without even thinking about it, and this is something I already said to few friends at work, it’s that if there’s one thing that will stand out to me about this past year, it’s this stupid shit.  I apologize in advance for not being able to find any clips under three mintues:

No shit.  This is an actual fad right now and has been since probably before I went back to work.  I remember seeing my idiot seventh graders throwing bottles up in the air in excitement during their recess on day one in September and wondering out loud if these dumb little shits seriously had nothing better to do over the summer but to throw around bottles and see if it lands on either end.

And for the longest time I never understood the point, being left to just assume they all lacked the common sense required to just leave their homes during the day and go hit the basketball courts.  Oh sure, some of my kids explained to me at one point that the game is a “challenge”, but I still didn’t get it.  That is until last night.  I wanted to finally know how this seemingly global “phenomenon”/nuisance to all school teachers everywhere started.  Then I found this link to the video that started it all:

http://fusion.kinja.com/a-teen-flipping-a-water-bottle-may-have-just-created-th-1793857082

Why the fuck wasn’t it obvious to me before??  Of course it was invented by some fuckin’ redneck down south – what the hell is there to do down there anyway?  So, some redneck throws a fucking water bottle on to a desk at a talent show and suddenly it’s now being down in schools EVERYWHERE.  Not only that: I was waiting for my girlfriend to run in the Central Park Spring Classic recently and while waiting I actually saw a GROWN ASS MAN flipping a bottle right in front of me.  Pathetic.   Hell, just look at the bottom video in the above link.  This has actually become outlawed in most schools…unless the school in question is mine because my administration is absolutely SPINELESS.  But that’s a different story.

So in the last nine months I’ve have numerous confrontations with students, sometimes my own, sometimes other kids in the cafeteria, who wouldn’t think twice about attempting to flip bottles onto high windows in our auditorium, flipping them in the cafeteria and then absolutely refusing to clean up their mess when the bottle opened up, flipping them in class – I’m talking right in front of their teachers.  Oh here’s my favorite; sometime in December our kids were getting ready to go downstairs to lunch when five of them began running down the stairs in a stampede while screaming so fuckin’ loud.  The other witness aside from me?  Our principal.  Not embarrassing at all.

We got them back up and, while at least four of them were smart enough to own up to their fuckups, they explained to us that they threw a bottle down a flight of steps to see how it would land and THAT was what set them off.  This is literally the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen.  The fifth boy, who I actually do get along with very well these days, has definitely developed an addiction of sorts.  If he’s not flipping a bottle he’s taking markers in his math class and he’s flipping those too!  Nothing is sacred – even pencils and pens!

How did it get to this point?  Now, history has shown that kids have always had that one fad toy or object that they had no business taking with them to school or it’d get taken away…but then again, while I do work in the ghetto, I did grow up in the suburbs.  I’m a child of the nineties, where most of the kids had those gay as fuck Tamagotchi’s (this was a legit digital pet that was released just in time for Black Friday in 1996; you actually had to feed it, and it would even die if you didn’t take care of it) and POGs.  I loved POGs.

Image result for batman pogs

If you remember these then congratulations, you’re old.  There were many, many different types of POGs.  I simply chose to use this picture because if memory serves me right then I actually had this set in the fifth grade.  Now this game was fun.  Every pack of POGs had a nice, thick slammer to go with it.  We would stack up as all of our POGs and hit them with the slammer, watching the POGs scatter.  The player who’d slam them would keep whatever POGs were face-up, and each player would continue until  the stack was empty, the winner obviously having the most POGs.  But the difference between us and these kids today is that, as far as I remember, we weren’t stupid enough to play with our POGs IN CLASS where we’d clearly be seen as several milk cap sized pieces of cardboard go fuckin’ flying across the room.  So, like fifth graders with common sense (GASP!), we simply waited until we got into the yard for recess.  What a fuckin’ concept!

Now, I clearly don’t know how other schools or school systems nationwide are handling this situation but in NYC there are so many laws that were not in place twenty years ago regarding how we can approach children and I feel like such a target that I feel that if I just take the fucking bottle certain kids would do everything in their power to fuck me over.  Problem is these kids definitely know their rights, courtesy of their enabling parents.  And they’re very lucky because I’d totally love to shove those bottles down their fucking throats.

Honorable Mention goes to those so-called fidget spinners that nearly everyone in my school now plays with – in class.  When I asked a few kids for an explanation for their playing with them in class one boy told me “they help with anxiety”.  I had to call bullshit, considering that there was not one anxious kid in that particular group.  None of them know what anxiety is.  Upon doing research I read that they allegedly help students hold their attention in class, but I unfortunately don’t buy that shit one bit because in class I watch some of them just get lost with these stupid spinners.

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Album Of The Year

Posted on by Mike

C’mon…if you’ve been reading my blog for the past several months then my first ever pick for Album Of The Year should’ve been PAINFULLY obvious.  I was a fan of Nails for months before it was even released, but it was upon the June 17th 2016 release of their grindcore masterpiece, You Will Never Be One Of Us, that they – especially guitarist/vocalist Todd Jones – became absolute GODS.  And if you’ve never heard anything off this beautiful shitstorm of an album here’s a quick taste.  No really, it’s only a minute and a half long!

Yeah, exactly.

So, for those of you new to this blog, why did I pick You Will Never Be One Of Us?  Surely, I could’ve picked any number of albums; Crowbar and Meshuggah – two of the heaviest bands on the fucking planet – both released two really badass albums.  Gatecreeper released a new album around the same time and one of my YouTube subscribers just declared the new Blood Incantation album is his own pick of the year.

nailsterrorizer

There’s reason number one right there.  Not sure how many grindcore bands make it to the cover of a magazine like Terrorizer.  We can also discuss the fact that You Will Never Be One Of Us was somehow able to reach #129 on the Billboard Charts among it’s release.  I don’t know about you but I personally don’t know of any of grindcore or powerviolence style bands that can hit that kind of a milestone.  Fuck, before they went on hiatus without warning over the summer their tour schedule was to be significantly bigger than it had ever been, including a spot on the Ozzfest 20th anniversary card.  That’s HUGE for a band like Nails!  They’re about to make a comeback in just a few days at The Power Of The Riff Festival, they just released a 12″ split with Full Of Hell eight days ago and now have more dates planned for next year with Gatecreeper, including stops in Philly and at Williamsburg Music Hall in Brooklyn, NY.  Needless to say 2016 was Nails’ year.

It’s easy to assume that You Will Never Be One Of Us is on ANY album of the year list due to hype…but why was there so much hype?  Easy.  Because throughout the record you can feel Todd Jones’ anger, his hatred against those trying to make a living off something his kind have worked so hard to put together only to be working a full time job (although he seems to prefer that), against society…against the fucking world.  His vocal delivery alone here was a major change from 2013’s Abandon All Life.  Gone was the high pitched scream and in it’s place Todd found his true voice, one of slobbering anger, growling and screaming like a lunatic in a straitjacket, wanting to get out and just murder you.  There’s no way you can listen to it and tell me that it isn’t genuine either.  And that’s why this is my first album of the year pick…it’s real.

This will be my last post for the year, the next few weeks will be busy.  But be sure to follow me on facebook and Instagram.  My IG handle is @confessionsofanangrymetalhead

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R.I.P. New York City…or Why I’m Glad I Got Out!

Posted on by Mike

This is actually going to be full article based on a random thought I wrote about just last year, regarding the decline of New York City’s diversity and character because let’s face it…it’s just gotten worse and will continue to do so.

So it all started just two nights ago, when I came across this article:

http://ny.curbed.com/2016/8/12/12452636/target-east-village-opening-date

Wait…what the fuck?  A new, two floor Target in the East Village?  With a 30-year lease on the building?!  First off, I’m a bit biased here because I used to work at Target but…ew!  Also…why?  Why Target and why in the East Fucking Village??  Then, I reminded myself of exactly why: money talk$.

I wrote a year ago that many of the places I used to know were going away at a pretty steady pace, especially at my old haunts, specifically St. Mark’s Place, which I had said was at least hanging on a thread so long as Sounds was still around, even if it was open just three days a week by that point, if anything for the sake of posture.  Whoops!  Not too long after I wrote that piece Sounds finally did close down for good, signaling THE end of the more culturally diverse St. Mark’s Place I used to know once and for all.  Why?  Because who the fuck can afford these fucking rent hikes?  Oh wait…chain stores can!

Oh, I can go on and on about when I first noticed this change, and how it changed the entire landscape of Manhattan alone – don’t even get me started with Brooklyn!  But instead I’m going to rant about who we can all blame for this and if you live or used to live anywhere in New York City (like me) you already know why: yuppies and especially hipsters.  The hipsters started fucking everything up when they came to Williamsburg, Brooklyn from whatever bumfuck towns/states they grew up in during the late 90’s/early 2000’s with their daddys’ checkbooks in search of somewhere cheap as hell.  In just a few years time a once extremely dangerous part of Brooklyn now had hipster themed bars and vintage record shops on almost every street corner.  And not only that, rent was now fucking sky high.  I was an intern for a music marketing firm in Manhattan in 2007 and a considerable portion of the hipster fuckheads I worked with lived in “Billyburg”.  The only way they could be living there was if their parents were paying the rent because I can tell you right now they sure as fuck weren’t making even remotely decent salaries at this particular firm.  I’d look for apartments in Brooklyn on craigslist and some of these prices were retarded.  $2000 for a studio off of Bedford Ave?  Really?  But if you want to know how I truly feel about hipsters just watch this amazing clip from The Gentlemen’s Rant.  Skip to the 1:50 mark for my favorite part!

This was just the beginning, of course.  Soon, the resulting trickle down effect happened: Manhattan followed suit.  The hipsters lived in Williamsburg in order to be as close to Manhattan as possible so before anyone knew it any area near the Williamsburg Bridge, especially the Lower East Side, started changing at that steady paced I mentioned before to cater to these motherfuckers.  The trickle down effect here?  Long standing Mom and Pop stores began to close shop to be replaced by some really strange fucking things.

This also spread, of course, throughout most of Manhattan, not just the Lower East Side.  Old buildings were being knocked down to make room for high rise condos that I know I sure can’t afford.  Here’s a quick story.  My dad’s been in real estate since 2005, having gotten his real estate license from NYU in 1988, and he was responsible for one of these buildings in the Lower East Side being knocked down in 2007.  He told me that while on site a girl came up to him asking him to please sign her petition to stop these developers from knocking the building down, obviously having no idea she was talking to the very person behind the whole thing.  Oops!

To some of you reading this I risk coming off as yelling at yuppies and hipsters to get off my lawn like a bitter old man.  You’d be wrong.  Yeah, I hate yuppies and REALLY hate hipsters.  But my big problem is that because of them, and more specifically about their lack of history, having not grown up in the city like I did, they appear to truly lack any appreciation for the charm New York City once had.  It was once such a diverse city.  I don’t just mean for the reputation of it’s many areas – not just the parts I mentioned – but because you could go into any street corner and find something completely random and enjoyable.  Hell, twelve years ago I could just turn to W 48th St in the tourist trap that is Times Square and I’d just happen to find the once infamous Music Row.  You’re reading correctly, there was once an entire block of just music instrument stores.  Several Sam Ash buildings, each one dedicated to specific instruments, Rudy’s, the world famous Manny’s Music, just to name a few.

Oh, here’s my favorite.  A 111 year old art supply store right around the corner from Webster Hall is being forced out of business because the building was sold to some jerkoff who plans to make the building into a hotel geared toward…millennials??  What the fuck does that require exactly that a piece of HISTORY is being forced to close down for this?  Someone please tell me.  What exactly makes millennials so fucking special?  Is it the computer thing??  Since the age range for millennials is between 1982 and 2002 I guess I’d be considered a millennial on paper, being that I was born in 1984.  But I’m no millennial because just about anyone born in the 80’s knew how to survive without cellphones and computers.  Ask the kids today when they last experienced a fleeting, random moment.  You’d probably hear crickets for a long time because that’s how often their heads are down at their smartphones they honestly have NO BUSINESS carrying around at twelve years old.

So here’s my main point to all of this.  Gentrification my ass!  If I wanted to go to an outdoor strip mall I’d go to probably any other city…or an outdoor strip mall.  I used to live in a city that had a very special charm to it, one that was different, one with so much diversity and excitement, one with character.  These were the things that made it The Greatest City In The World, because it’s not that anymore, not when I see Subway restaurants on nearly every street corner and increasingly more homeless people on the streets because they were evicted for their inability to pay their rents.  If you’re reading this and are as disgusted with what’s become of it all like I was, do yourself a favor and get out while you still can…like I did, because it’s no longer just the East Village that’s dead – all of New York City is!

There are times now where I drive on Route 3 E and if I catch it around sunset I get a gorgeous view of the city from afar.  But every time come across this brilliant view I sadly can’t help but always think to myself the same thing over and over again: “New York City…beautiful to look at…ugly to live in…”

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