“Is That A Chick’s Ass????”

Posted on November 1, 2015June 11, 2016 by Mike

You see the guitar in the main picture? Yeah? Now look at the finish closely. All you see is a pink guitar? Look again…closer. See it now? Now, if you’re a guy under twenty you just jizzed yourself. Twice. If you’re over twenty you can’t stop laughing, but you still have control over yourself. You women though….oh, you….the mixed reactions you broads have given this guitar over the years…some of you are obviously offended…yet…some of you actually like it!! Really??? Um…ok!

I’ll never forget the first time I laid eyes on this thing back in the early spring of 2004, probably the end of March. My old music store, where I was no longer taking lessons at this point, was right next door to my shit job where I was working at the time so I took a visit until I had to go clock in. I looked to my right and immediately saw this…guitar…hanging on the wall. It was a B.C. Rich Bich, the one shape I’ve always wanted ever since I saw old clips of Dave Mustaine using it with Metallica on Megadeth’s VH1 Behind The Music episode three years earlier. But this one was…different…and not just because it was part of B.C. Rich’s Body Art Series either. The pervert in me immediately saw what a lot of people usually need a few looks to see. Holy shit that’s a chick’s ass in a thong! A chick’s ass is the finish of a guitar! What does this say on the tag? “Bich’s Back”? Yeah, I’ll say! Only $300? Hmmmm.

I was told by the store owner’s piece of shit daughter, who I won’t name because she doesn’t deserve the recognition, that there were two other guitars like that but they sold quickly as should’ve been expected. She then said that she arranged for B.C. Rich to recall the last one? Why? “Because I don’t want kids to come in here and see it.” I wish I knew what the big deal is, as far as I know she’s only music store employee I ever knew that would say something that stupid. It’s been more than eleven years since I heard that remark and I still can’t believe I heard it! So fuckin’ what if a kid sees it?? After much debating I asked this dumb bitch when B.C. Rich were supposed to come. “Friday”, she told me. “Yeah? Well call them and tell them to forget it. I’ll be back here when I get paid to put money down on it.”, was my immediate response. I had to get this thing.

The very next Friday I went back there right after I got out of work and used part of my tax return to pay the rest off and this baby was mine! As the store owner’s cunt of a daughter was counting my money she quipped in a pretty serious tone “I think you’re a pervert for buying this!”. Oh I have stories on this twat that could last a whole day’s worth of conversation; but then you’d have to knock me out to shut me up. But who gave a shit? They had $300 of my money since I was no longer taking lessons with them at this point anyway AND I had a guitar that practically screamed sleazy, filthy no condom fucking…with the risk of a few STDs. Twenty four frets for hitting those high notes to make this bich scream, a curvaceous body, that finish! The store’s owner offered to drive me to the mall since I wanted to grab some food before I went home since I didn’t have a car yet; while in his van I asked him if he thought I was a perv like his jackass daughter said I was for buying the guitar. “I think it’s the most macho thing you can buy!”, he quickly responded.

My time in the mall? Oh that was just fantastic! I was given an acoustic guitar case to carry the Bich in because of it’s abnormal shape and when I arrived at the food court to eat I ran into someone and I sadly don’t remember who the guy was. I showed him the guitar and he couldn’t believe the finish on this. At that very moment I was approached by this guy I’ve seen on and off at bus stops in his Fun Station USA work shirt. He had long hair in a pony tail with an under shave and he wanted to let me know that and he and his girlfriend both saw my guitar from across the way and he wanted to tell me he thought it was awesome. That was cool and he seemed like a nice guy. The problem? His girlfriend, who was giving me the death stare right behind him, was this lunatic who I was crazy enough to be friends with not even two years earlier and to say the least I was surprised she was still alive. I actually spotted her crazy ass a month earlier at a show and when I told my dad the next day even his response was “She’s still alive??”. So as much as her boyfriend – and future baby daddy – was cool, I could not wait to brush him off as quickly as I could!

It’s amazing, the kinds of people you can attract just by carrying a guitar. While I was on my way home I was waiting to transfer to my second bus when some homeboy asked to see my guitar. “Yo dat shit is dope!”, he yelled out with a big laugh. Then came this weird looking lady who clearly had to be in her late forties. She saw that I had a B.C. Rich and decided to tell me this story that I still don’t know if I want to believe, in which she saw Metallica with Mustaine on lead guitar at a show. According to her Dave was playing his first B.C. Rich guitar. He hated it so much that at the end of the show he smashed it and one of the wooden shards hit this lady’s neck, cutting it open. She then told me she would force it to stay open for weeks because she wanted to keep the memories. Ok….

The next day I finally plugged it in and I was kind of surprised to hear how weak the pickups actually were. I should’ve known, being that the guitar was kind of a novelty. The solution? Replacing them with EMG 85 and 81 pickups – problem definitely solved! Goddamn this thing was loud after that. I was playing it – and bragged about it – with a sense of pride for years. It just screamed “METAL!!” as far as I was concerned. I used it for years, I mean my next three bands. I saw it as an attention grabber and my ex-guitarist from my first metal band joked that the guitar is the one thing I’d be remembered for. Months before my second band’s debut gig in 2007 I decided the guitar needed a little extra kink if you will, so I went to Rudy’s on 48th St in Manhattan and got myself a Levy’s Leather Strap with chains going right down the middle.

Of course, not everybody liked the guitar. Typical scenario: I’d bring the guitar somewhere, where is irrelevant. I’ll take my guitar out and some woman will notice. “That’s an interesting guitar, bring it over here.” I bring it over. “It’s so interesting that you’d have a pink guitar. Wait…is that…oh…”. Just like that she’s grossed out. In fact the last time I had the guitar set up for it’s final shows in 2013, the female owner of the store I went to, Rustic Music Center, took one look and declared “that’s the funniest and grossest guitar I’ve ever seen” before calling the guys in the place to take a look at the finish. I auditioned for the thrash band Sun Descends in 2005 and when I took the guitar out the lead singer, ex-Exumer vocalist Mem Von Stein, immediately said to me with weariness in his eyes “You have another guitar…right?”

But as I said earlier, some women thought it was amazing, including my brother’s ex-girlfriend as well as girls who worked at my college radio station. Speaking of my brother, one day a friend of his that I used to go to school with gave me a ride to the bus, I think. I had my guitar with me and when my brother told me to show the guitar his wannabe rapper buddy even he yelled out “What??? That’s AWESOME!!” Yeah, the guitar even transcends musical boundaries. At my first ever metal show some dope told me he wanted to have sex with my guitar. My bodybuilder doppelganger and friend Jon has even considered buying one of his own all because of mine!

Since then I’ve been retired from band life. So where’s the guitar been ever since I’ve moved to New Jersey? In the closet because my girlfriend doesn’t want to see it. Oh sure, I’ll take out from time to time. I think I’d like to give it another setup. I do know that if I ever got back into it and began work on the offensive metal project of my dreams there’s no better than my Bich’s Back to get the job done!

Here’s the Bich today:

Iron Maiden Live at Madison Square Garden July 30th, 2003

Posted on September 30, 2015February 16, 2016 by Mike

This was my second concert ever, just a few months after seeing Superjoint Ritual at L’Amour in Brooklyn just two months earlier, but this was my first ever arena concert – and goddamn what a way to start! A few months earlier my cousin Mike asked me if I wanted to see Motorhead, Dio and Iron Maiden at Madison Square Garden in July. Now…I understood Maiden and even Dio playing at the Garden. But Motorhead? Yeah they have such a loyal following but they never held the stature of Maiden in ticket or even album sales. Either way I knew it would be amazing to hear a band THAT LOUD in the Garden. So do I want to go? Um…yeah!

I don’t really remember off the top of my head what my day was like leading into heading out to my cousin’s apartment but I do remember just thinking to myself “holy shit I’m seeing Iron Fucking Maiden tonight!” I’d been a growing fan since my senior year of high school, probably being the only one in my high school that even liked Maiden, or any real metal for that matter. I had heard “The Number Of The Beast” and “Run To The Hills” but once I heard “The Trooper” on WSOU one afternoon I was sold! Then Mike called me to let me know that he’d need an extra $50 when I got to his place because he was able to upgrade our seats and we’d now be right at the second row. How the hell did do that? Well…he wouldn’t tell me. Whatever. So I got to his place in the Superjoint Ritual t-shirt I bought at their L’Amour show, green cargo shorts and my boots, gave him the $50 and to the bus we went.

We got there and the place was the best mix of scalpers and some of the sickest battle jackets I’ve ever seen. When we walked inside my old friend Joe was doing security, and he definitely came in handy later. Motorhead were already playing when Mike and I got to our seats. Come to think of it I now get mixed emotions when thinking of any Motorhead show I’ve seen, mostly because of Lemmy’s health these days. Between him and Keith Richards why the hell is it that Keith was the one that did heroin and he appears to be doing better than Lemmy? Loud? Yeah…ok. Imagine their volume…especially Lemmy’s bass…but now it’s in an arena where you’re now blasting the ears of over 20,000 people. That whole set was an explosion. And from where wee were seated we were right at Lemmy’s side to the stage – the way it should always be! And Mikey Dee’s bassdrums went right through me and my cousin like a second heartbeat. Mike was not really a Motorhead fan but at that moment he definitely got a rush from the sensation of Mikey’s bassdrums. Their set list was filled with songs ranging from their entire catalog, from their biggest songs to their least known. It was my first time hearing their Ramones tribute song, simply called “Ramones”, “Sacrifice”, “Over The Top”, which Lemmy appropriately dedicated to himself, and then I finally heard them play “Overkill”. I’d heard Metallica’s cover of it five years earlier as did everybody else in the world but to hear THEM do it was the single greatest point in the setlist. After they got off stage I almost didn’t care about Maiden!

Dio was next. They were still on tour for their most recent CD, Killing The Dragon, the title track of which they even opened up with. This was to be my first of three times seeing Ronnie James Dio in concert – all three times with my cousin Mike no less! – and my first impression of the guy made me laugh so hard. I mean I never realized how short this guy was, first off. He came out wearing this black silk outfit, I mean black pants flaring out at the bottom and this black short sleeve shirt, decorated with a glitter cross. Now don’t get me wrong, he was amazing! His voice was so powerful on this night, just a few years before being diagnosed with the stomach cancer that eventually took him from us. I still miss him so much. But I know I wasn’t the only one that night wondering if he took dance lessons from a stripper either! In fact when I began my second year in college a little over a month later THAT was what my other friends who were there and I were talking about more so than even the music! He shook his ass and swiveled his hips way too good here.

Craig Goldy was back on guitar, replacing Doug Aldrich who left after Killing The Dragon to join Whitesnake…yeah I was confused about that myself. Why would anyone leave ANY band for Whitesnake?? I sure wouldn’t! Craig was damn good on guitar as he played through this setlist, which Ronnie himself dubbed “Title Track Night”, even though they still brought out “Rainbow In The Dark”. So while we were obviously going to hear “Holy Diver” and “The Last In Line” at some point they band also broke into “Heaven and Hell” to close his set.

Maiden…oh, Maiden. When the time came for the band to come on the lights went out and you almost immediately heard those now-infamous lines from Vincent Price about the number of the beast. We were about halfway through it when nearly everyone in the band minus Bruce Dickinson ran on stage ready to go. I just knew he was behind that crazy ass elaborate stage they had going on, and I predicted he’d probably not show himself until the band kicked in. After Vincent Price finished speaking Dave Murray started chugging away at the beginning of “The Number of The Beast”. You heard Bruce hit that scream….still no sign of him..the next verse kicks in…there he is!! In pure Michael Jackson style he was catapulted from beneath a platform on the stage and right away began jumping down the step with the energy of someone half his age. The whole band are playing away like their lives depended on it and this motherfucker is doing Olympic style hurdles over the onstage monitors while singing and not even screwing up a single note. He was in his mid-forties at this point – show me a younger front man from this time period that could do that shit too!

Oh right – the music! It was a trip hearing THREE guitarists playing an assload of classics originally performed by just two. Right after the first song finished Bruce just yells out in his high pitched wail “THE TROOPEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!” and all three guitarists broke in to the song that made me a Maiden fan for good. Bruce goes away for a minute while the crowd of 20,000 hears Janick, Dave and Adrian pull off a sick three part harmony before he comes back out in an army outfit. NICE! I really wish I could find footage of this show but I can’t because they did a bunch of classics, “Die With Your Boots On”, “Revelations”, “The Clairvoyant” (not one of my favorites). Then Bruce gave a speech about how the band didn’t give a shit about record sales our how we heard their music so long as we heard it, before playing “Wildest Dreams” off of their then-forth coming CD Dance Of Death, telling everyone to take it “…and download it to all your friends!”. Oh Bruce, you funny guy, you. The show ended with the encore, “Run To The Hills”, which I really wanted to do for other reasons when the show was done. But I cane say that this was one of THE best concerts I’ve ever been to.

After the show was done Mike and I waited for my friend Joe to get out so we could go home on the ferry together. I’d love to know how the fuck we wound up walking to the train with this weird looking gay couple, one of the two guys talking to me, randomly switching subjects from why James Hetfield had to go to rehab to how his boyfriend’s family was the cause of his ulcers. Right… While on the train I saw some in shape looking guy with this nasty looking chubby chick with John Lennon’s signature tattooed on the back of her neck. Once we got off the ferry Joe drove us both home, which was a hell of a lot better than possibly taking the bus that late at night. That next morning I felt fuckin’ pumped! I woke up a lot earlier than I should’ve and hit the gym before going to work. Getting of the bus from work I recognized this chick with a John Lennon tattoo on her neck – it was the chubby chick from the train. “You were at the show last night”, I said. So we spoke for a minute until she said the words that made me think she lost her fuckin’ mind: “Motorhead SSSUCKED!” WHAT?!?! Bitch have lost your fuckin’ mind?!?!?! Oh it gets better: “Lemmy looked like he was sucking a dick the way he had his microphone positioned too!”. I have to admit, I did find that part a bit funny…but sucked?? I can happily say I haven’t seen her since!

The Rock Carnival…And The Biggest Parking Lot Fuckjob Ever.

Posted on September 26, 2015October 21, 2015 by Mike

This past Saturday my girlfriend and I went to Day 2 of the three day Rock Carnival put together by WDHA and WRAT at Oak Ridge Park in Clark, NJ. I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to go to this because the only bands I’d give a shit about at all were King’s X, Sevendust and especially Black Label Society, hell, Anthrax wouldn’t be playing until the next day and the lineup for that day was shit compared to what we saw the day we went; but Courtenay REALLY wanted to see King’s X and she REALLLYYYYY wanted to see all the food trucks. So we went.

It was a nice day out, especially with it being the last day of summer. First off – I call absolute BULLSHIT on having to pay $20 to park on the field for the day. Second, it looked real nice when we got there; they had a ferris wheel, four stages tents everywhere, a beer garden and of course, food trucks. But the set up was so fucked up and unorganized. We felt like we had to go through a fucking maze to go from one stage to another, or from the beer garden back to the one of the two main stages. Fucking stupid!

The first band that was on when we arrived was this shit emocore band called Bad Case For Big Mouth. Someone should tell them the they a real bad case of playing some really shitty music. I also think anyone with whinny vocals should just chop their balls off. Hell…whoever the first fuckface was who decided it was ok to whine like a bitch should just fucking go and kill himself now – you reading this Morrissey???? So after seeing that shit we ditched their asses immediately to check out the rest of the carnival.

While walking around we saw a tent. The closer we got I remember seeing that Game Changer Wrestling was on the bill. The closer we got after that I noticed someone a little too familiar to me. Yeah…it was Jaka…

My little backstory with him is something I’ll get into another time. The important thing is if I saw him I knew before he even told me that was definitely going to see this guy…

Chris Dickinson…wrestler turned drummer turned wrestler again. I actually played guitar in his very first band but that was about eleven years ago now. Around the time he had gone back to wrestling he and Jaka were feuding but now they’re part of Team Pazuzu and the two of them will actually be wrestling The Steiner Brothers in Manville, NJ on October 16th. Anyway, I decided to stick around to see Chris wrestle since I hadn’t since I was a ring announcer in a no holds barred match he had against Jaka six years ago.

Here’s the match:

I caught him for a few minutes after the match ended before he and the rest of Team Pazuzu had to drive off to Connecticut for another match that night. So we walked around a bit more until 5pm when Skid Row were about to go on. I personally could give two flying fucks about them without Sebastian Bach but Courtenay was curious to see what they sounded like with their brand new singer Tony Harnell, who sadly used to sing for TNT. New Jersey is the band’s home town so the old school crowd that probably saw them in bars turned up for this shit. They were not that bad but dude…their singer was in TNT. Done. Over.

After they got off they were setting up for Sevendust while methhead led Puddle of Mudd were on the other stage – I’m surprised Wes Scantlin even made it out to the gig without getting arrested again! Too bad you still sucked ass. Courtenay, being a towering 5 ft wanted to get as close to the stage as she could before anyone showed up or she knew she wouldn’t be able to see Sevendust, since she could barely see Skid Row; so there we were, standing there, subjecting ourselves to Puddle of Shit until Sevendust were to come on. The most entertaining part of the wait was the way the crowd cheered as Skid Row’s banner was being brought down. Puddle of Meth took FOREVER to finished their lame as fuck set. Of their entire catalog most people only know of one shitty CD and they just dragged it out to death.

Then…a REAL band came on:

Lajon Witherspoon? Corey Glover on steroids. The guy is still a BEAST on the mic, one of the best singers of my generation, criminally underrated. Morgan Rose…I want his drum kit…now. I lost my way with Sevendust for a long time and it’s not their fault. Starting with their 1997 debut – which I have on cassette – they were pretty much lumped in with the nu-metal movement, most likely because of their grooves but in reality they thankfully are nothing like that. Sometime in between songs Lajon decided to talk about how he’ll always be the guy that talks to all the fans and how grateful the band are to us because they’d be doomed without us. When I hear people say things like that I automatically assume they’re just full of shit. Or was he?

After Sevendust finished up I immediately took Courtenay by the hand and rushed us to the other main stage to see Black Label Society. This was going to be the seventh time I saw them and I wasn’t going to miss shit. Zakk Wylde is GOD. There was no one else that night that could play worth a shit compared to Zakk Fucking Wylde, not Slash, not the Skid Row guys, not even Ty Tabor – no one. The band’s set were intense as usual, hell, ever since he got sober the band’s shows have been like religious experiences and this was no exception.

Here are the first two songs:

Considering each band had just fifty minutes to play I found it amusing that Zakk managed to fit a brief solo section into the set. “Now this is just meedly meedly stuff”, said Courtenay. Me? It’s the best meedly meedly you can get here. After we finished watching Zakk pound his chest like Captain Caveman we relaxed a bit before we walked over to the “Birch Hill” stage to see King’s X. No way we were seeing Stephen Pearcy. Fuck him. Fuck him and every single washed up glam rock asshole that was there. But while hanging around I noticed a tent with a bunch of middle aged metalheads raffling off bass drum heads signed by 80’s thrash bands as well as selling some nice rarities. Oh shit is the Old Bridge Metal Militia really back from the dead as a result of mid life crisis? I think so! But I have to admit, it was nice to see them out. No, I didn’t talk to them. I wasn’t even born yet when they were giving Metallica a home when they came to Old Bridge from California. What was I going to say to them??

They even made an attempt at being slightly relevant by making a webpage. Aaawwww! Check them out at http://www.oldbridgemetalmilitia.com

After Ratt’s washed up ex singer finally shut the fuck up we walked to the stage. That’s when I noticed dUg’s bass cabinets and had a real bad Beavis and butthead moment:

Huh huh, hey Beavis, look at the letters on his amps, huh huh.

This was going to be my first time seeing King’s X, what an honor…just too bad Eddie Trunk had to announce them on stage. Ok we get it, you were there for everything that happened…a million years ago. I used to love listening to him but he caters way too much to his age group. The band came on…dUg Pinnick looks really good with a goatee, makes him look a lot younger than 65…it’s good to see Jerry Gaskill still doing this after enduring two heart attacks and the loss of his home to Hurricane Sandy. Ty Tabor is an incredible guitarist and he showed his ability to keep up with dUg and Jerry during some long jams.

As I was filming their set Courtenay pointed out to me the back of someone’s dreadlocked head. “Lordy lordy!!!” he yelled out with a big excited smile as he was talking with other people during the show. It was Lajon Witherspoon; I thought he was just bragging for the sake of image when he spoke about his love for the fans and not being afraid to go out to the crowd but there he was in the flesh. In fact he was standing right next to me at one point and when I said the band were amazing he talked to me about them. Wow. After King’s X ended their AMAZING set I approached Lajon, told him I’d be honored to take a picture with him and Courtenay. “Let’s do it!” was his immediate response. Amazing guy, very down to earth, more people should be like Lajon Witherspoon.

Then there’s that parking lot bullshit. We tried to leave after our selfie with Lajon but it wasn’t happening. In fact there was a line that just didn’t move. At one point Courtenay just parked her car all over again to save gas because we were going nowhere. People were increasingly enraged, drunk, both. So I walked to the nearest parking lot attendant and asked him what the fuck was happening. “None of this would be happening if the police just listened to us.” was his answer so I realized that the police were directing traffic JUST one way. This was absolutely disgraceful. It was over two hours before we finally got the fuck out of there. Hell, my friend Maureen from Brooklyn said fuck it and took car service back to her hotel and left her car in the lot just to avoid the bullshit. I also know there were a lot of complaints the next day and I also know that I’m not going back until WDHA and the Clark Police Department figured out how to safely organize and run an event like this.

The show was nice…just really fucking disorganized from start to finish.

Random Thoughts

Posted on August 18, 2015August 29, 2016 by Mike

New Trivium…and I Think I Like It…Uh Oh!

Over two weeks ago Roadrunner Records released the new music video for the title track to Trivium’s upcoming October 2nd release Silence In The Snow. The only reason I even gave it a listen was just so I can say that it sucked balls. I was a fan of them starting in 2005 when I bought Ascendancy and thought that these kids had a shitload of potential and that as they progressed their shit would get better – and it did for a while! Their next two CDs, The Crusade and Shogun were far more metal sounding and far more mature than Ascendancy and you either supported them for growing up and doing different things or you refused to grow up, understand that no band can do the same thing forever and move on. That’s exactly what happened with Trivium.

Starting with The Crusade I was hearing a lot of bitching from people: “This sucks! Ascendancy is better because it’s more metalcore!”. “Fuck these posers, trying to sound like Metallica all the time!” And by the way, you dumb motherfuckers who made those Metallica complaints…please…just…open your ears and tell me if you really think that Kirk Hammett in his prime could play any of Matt Heafy’s or Corey Bealieu’s leads – and without raping that fucking wah pedal! Tell me that Lars in his prime could handle Travis Smith’s drum patterns. Ok, so maybe Matt sounded a tad like James in the singing department but I’d rather that than just screaming to breakdowns all the time and not developing to become a better vocalist.

Then something happened. They seemingly gave into those immature fuckheads that bitched and moaned about their music because it wasn’t Ascendancy parts 2, 3, 4 and 5, and decided to please these “fans”, or so it seems, by pretty much dumbing down everything they had done before. The result? In Waves, probably the worst regression I’ve ever seen in a band. Ever hear the title track? The opening breakdown broke my heart…so metalcore…I immediately had visions of stupid kids with their hair super glued to the side doing stupid dance moves. I heard a few other tracks to try and give it a chance but I couldn’t get into it at all. Worse? Their next album was produced by none other than David Draiman. So I totally wrote Trivium off.

Then this video was released two weeks ago:

Pretty different…pretty much avant garde…but what the fuck is with Corey circle headbanging blindfolded? Is Matt just randomly bleeding? What’s with the cute Asian not being told how to properly hold a guitar? And while bleeding too? But more than that…doesn’t Matt sound a slight bit like Myles Kennedy here while singing the verses? Oh shit his singing voice is suddenly WAY better. No screaming at all…not even a bit? Ok…so the riffs are still simple as fuck…but damn are they heavy! What’s that? This was inspired by the band’s time touring with Heaven and Hell, you say? This song was originally written during the sessions for Shogun?? Score!!!!!

Then came this other leaked song just this past week:

Uh oh…this sounds really good too. This musically speaking is a really good mix of old-school playing with modern edge guitar tones. Just listen to that slow part – goddamn! And Matt’s voice? Great work harmonizing with himself! Great singing altogether! I don’t know that ditching screaming altogether will work out in the end but we’ll all have to wait until October to find out for sure. But for now, not bad boys, you just might win me back as a fan – just don’t fuck it up again!

New Maiden…And I Like It!!

That shouldn’t be a surprise to any REAL metalhead worth a shit; but truth be told, I’ve been kind of disappointed with Iron Maiden for 12 years. When I was 16 Iron Maiden v4.0 was THE SHIT. Bruce and Adrian were back and they now were a six-piece with THREE guitar players since they chose to keep Janick Gers with them. That’s awfully nice of them but let’s face it – if Janick were gone tomorrow most people would cruelly show just how much happier they’d be just because it was Adrian and Dave again. I’m not one of them though. Why? Because I liked Brave New World. It was a fantastically written, thought out album. The title track alone is incredible as is the lead off single, “The Wickerman” – that track is just badass!

Three years passed and they released their next album, Dance of Death. Dude…what the fuck? I get that bands need to evole to survive and/or feel excited for years to come but this…this was just weak as FUCK and absolutely boring. The epics on it…I used their longest epic for a bathroom break during my days as a college DJ several times but man it was such a dramatic decline because their most memorable shit is the epics. It’s sad when Bruce’s next solo album, Tyranny of Souls, had WAY more balls to it than his own band’s material! Three years later we were given A Matter of Life and Death. I was officially scared and I blame producer Kevin Shirley because he encouraged the band to “loosen up”. I feel like in “loosening up” the band completely changed, they became too rock and roll for my taste. I could NEVER hate Iron Fucking Maiden, but I didn’t know that I’d ever buy their shit again and I haven’t since 2003.

Then I heard this!

Holy shit does this sound old school as FUCK! Am I listening to something from Piece of Mind??? All that’s missing here are the crazy ass guitar harmonies, but you can’t get everything. Right? But at least we know that they’ve still got it! Listen to Bruce hitting those notes! How many people pushing 60 do YOU know that can still sing as amazingly as Bruce Dickinson? I’ll wait.

Another Reminder of Changing Times

I took my girlfriend to Manhattan for her birthday this past weekend because she wanted to go to the Museum of Sex and see Funland, which is a boobie bounce house. I shit you not this does exist. Here’s the proof:

You – yes, you! – can bounce around in plastic titties for an extra $15! I’d still prefer the real thing though! But before we walked all the way there from Port Authority I really needed to eat something so we got Pizza across the street from 2 Brothers, which is doing really good at expanding their stores with $1 Pizza. The problem? One of the guys behind the counter was playing the most annoying Reggaeton you could find. Bad enough that shit is just horrid to begin with. I like a lot of different kinds of music…but…Reggaeton, like Dub Step, is to music what rape is dating, like Kobe Bryant was to the hotel employee in Colorado, just a nonstop fucking assault – but to your ears. And it just…won’t…stop. That same, annoying “beat” is pounding away worse than even house music ever could, and possibly with even more bass!! That shit was stuck in our heads for a while.

After going to the Museum of Sex and discovering that fake titty land was closed, probably for maintenance, we decided to go towards St. Marks Pl. It was during that long ass walk that my girlfriend let me know that Trash And Vaudeville were finally closing shop and relocating after forty years in that block. I was aware that they were being stubborn about ever doing it, being that they were the one piece of the old St. Mark’s that I remember that’s still standing, they weren’t going anywhere. But, like most historic places in Lower Manhattan, the pressure of increased rent was finally seeping in. And as we arrived at the block I can see why. The whole block has pretty much become yet another tourist trap: restaurants, a Barcade, Karaoke, Bongs and even a 7 Eleven. Yeah, that’s not a mistype. I first discovered St. Mark’s Pl. had a 7 Eleven in 2012. St. Mark’s Pl. and the Village as a whole used to have so much more character than THIS. And if you’re in you’re early 30’s like I am or even older you know how awesome the place used to be.

I remember getting a good chunk of my metal shirts from places in the Village that are no longer in business because of rent and because of the faggot ass hipsters that came in. I used to love hanging out on W. 8th St. I met some really amazing people there. Of course most of them were strange as fuck but some of them were fucking awesome. I bought my first leather jacket there, as well as my leather vest, which I still have, and even my first real biker watch at this place called Leather Master, which along with the comic store I used to go to and the places I used to by my clothes at, are all gone thanks to increased rent. The Mars Bar, an infamous punk rock dive bar I discovered through this crazy chick that frequented the place a lot…closed and is now Jupiter 21, a nice 12 story condo. Although I feel the beginning of the end came around the tail end of 2006 when Hilly Kristal, after years of dodging eviction, finally caved in and shut down CBGB. Even being landmarked by Mayor Bloomberg of all people couldn’t save the place, so what does that tell you??

I never bought anything from Trash and Vaudeville, I always found their clothes too extreme for my tastes. But I understand and respect the history it provides. It may be relocating to a cheaper and safer building (from what Bobby, a store employee told me), and that’s great. But in the end it just puts the final nail in the coffin of a place that began loosing it’s character a decade ago. Sure, Sounds is still there. But that place seems to me like just another generic music store, although it does have more Henry Rollins CDs than I’ve ever seen anywhere else. Around the time the Mars Bar went out of business someone spray painted on a wall “THE EAST VILLAGE IS DEAD”. Well, that person is absolutely right and it kills me to see what it’s become. My only hope now is that Bleeker St and the streets surrounding it remain the way they are for years to come. It’d be a shame to lose The Bitter End! I played there once in 2012, what an honor that was. Café Wha? is another place like that. It’s a landmark much like CGGB was but we saw how much that mattered, right? It’d also be huge blow to lose Generation Records, a record store I find to be the equivalent of Vintage Vinyl in New Jersey. It’s bad enough Bleeker Bob’s finally went under two years ago. I was there the day before they closed, the owner told me he was hoping to relocate but I still haven’t heard of that happening and I sadly am not holding my breath either.

Most Intense Show Of My Life…Or How I Almost Died Seeing Crowbar.

Posted on July 3, 2015September 5, 2016 by Mike

…ok so maybe that dying part is a bit exaggerated but if it got you to read this then my job is done! Suck me.

Sludge GODS Crowbar came to town this past Monday night on their Summer of Doom tour, taking along with them Lord Dying and Battlecross. It took so long to write about this because I needed a whole day to recuperate from the insanity that I’m going to write all about. Then I had a very hard time uploading all my pictures and videos. Why? I couldn’t tell you, but I finally upload everything last night. My videos from the show have been up for the last day or two though and I’ll put the link to them here of course.

I arrived there maybe before 7:30 so I could eat something. I was walking up the block to find food and who’s coming toward me in the opposite direction? None of than Crowbar founder/vocalist/guitarist Kirk Windstein! I shit you not! He and two other guys were headed back to the bar with food and I had a slight fanboy moment so I went up to Kirk. He shook my hand and said hey in that gruff, raspy voice of his before going back to his conversation with his buds. No big deal since I wound up with a souvenir from him later in the night anyway.

So I go back to the bar later and upon looking at Crowbar’s merch table I found this shirt.

This is so fucking true! I myself wound up buying two shirts from the table but no this wasn’t one of them, although I think I should’ve gotten one for my girlfriend as a hint!

Not too long before the first band of the night, Carcosa, went on, I tried to talk to a few people and it felt a bit weird. There were times where I felt like because these people didn’t know me they wanted nothing to do with me. Not that I give a shit at all but this is something about metal that pisses me off. It’s cool that there of groups of metalheads that found each other because that’s so hard to do; but what’s with the cliques? I did met this one guy in a Down t-shirt who was a HUGE Crowbar fan. Nice guy when I met him but as it turned out he was one of those pyscho fanboy types…you know the ones…there’s one at every show and that idiot always knows every little thing about the band including it’s day to day personal activities. Well he turned out to be one of them.

While waiting outside I met Alex Bent, the current drummer in Battlecross. We had a long conversation about all things music. He and I and the crowd including the psycho fanboy were reminiscing about how we each discovered Crowbar and I good chunk of us said by watching Beavis and Butthead. “Huh huh, I’d hate to meet this guy in an alley Beavis. Huh huh.” After a while it was time for him to go back in but he was cool enough to take this photo with me before he did.

I walked back in as Carcosa began their set. They’re a band out of Long Island and this just happened to be their first show. If I could describe their music I’d say a sludge/hardcore hybrid, not like Crowbar does but they were pretty heavy. For their first show they were spot on, as if they rehearsed a lot. I spoke to Tim, their lead singer at their merch table after they finished and he said this wasn’t even supposed to be their first gig but when they got the call how the fuck could they say no???? They’re one of many bands I’ve noticed selling their music on cassettes, primarily because they’re cheaper to make than CDs according to what they guys in Ajax told me last July. For $5 I got a cassette with a free digital download card along with two stickers. To hear it for yourself go to http://www.carcosali.bandcamp.com and you’ll find the entire demo.

I had more pictures and even a video but for some reason my memory card filled up quick and I didn’t even have many pic taken yet at that point. This would be cause for a lot of frustration throughout the night.

Next of was Lord Dying. This is was a close as we were gonna get to Crowbar before Crowbar even hit the stage. It was heavy and sludgy…but with harmonies and solos. They actually impressed me a lot and I will but their shit. Erik Olson’s vocals were angry as FUCK and the music just pounded you.

At the end of their set I spoke to Chris Evans, their co-guitarist, who let me take a picture of him with that beautiful custom made guitar you see both guys with in the video I posted. He even let me hold it, that thing is light as a feather. I wanted to try and balance it one finger!

Battlecross were next and the last band before Crowbar. This was the thrashiest, fastest and most melodic band out of the entire lineup. They were still intense but in a different way and it’s safe to say the definitely have a following because this was the time when the room were in in truly began to full up. From “go” the band were non-stop. Their music was fast and while i had heard some of their songs before this night just so I could be familiar with them, they really impressed me live. Also, it’s good to know there are bands out there with a sense of humor because Kyle Gunther was absolutely hysterical at times. When I met him afterwards I should’ve suggested he try standup comedy.

Here’s where problems began. My phone’s battery was dying so my video for Battlecross was cut off after a minute and a half and my camera’s memory card was mysteriously full. I’d fix the camera issue later but I couldn’t charge my phone obviously. But here’s the video I made because it did come out good, at least.

Some people were crazy enough to clear the room after Battlecross got off the stage. I guess they wanted to get one last smoke break, I don’t know. I just know that there was a great open spot right at the front of the stage and I took it quickly. While Alex was taking down his massive drum set – the biggest one of all the bands! – I befriended the guy standing next to me, also named Mike. Turns out he’s huge Crowbar fan – no not like the psycho fanboy. Kirk Windstein got on stage to set up and he drops the setlist on the floor and reading it Mike and I got real giddy, like teenagers, just knowing that shit was going down tonight. I mean…just…just look at this fucking setlist!

After just ten minutes Crowbar finally hit the stage. I think you can just look at the picture above to figure out just how fucking crazy shit got based on the song being played but trust me, seeing is believing. I was only able to take a few pictures because I got banged around a bit being that I was at the front. I mean I was right in front of Kirk Fucking Windstein and practically getting an upfront guitar lesson! If I can’t play any of Crowbar’s shit after this show I need new glasses now. So here are the few pictures I was able to take, just to get it out of the way.

So when the band began playing the place turned into a heavy metal lion’s den of dudes jumping off the stage – especially that psycho fanboy! He kept on trying to push his way in and knocking me away from the front but I wasn’t letting that happen. But I did pay for it because his breath smelled like fucking shit! Mike smelt it too as did the woman standing to my right! I have a video of the the second and third songs they did: “Planets Collide” and “All I Had (I Gave)” and before the “All I Had…” ended the fucking camera stopped on me again! But I’ll tell you what…as crazy as we all were – I mean Mike and I were laughing so hard at how crazy everybody was and how heavy as FUCK the band were – shit really went down at the breakdown to “All I Had…” It’s as if nothing else matters after that song. This was where the whole fucking place just caved in. For real. Here’s the video of it. The sound’s fuzzy because I’m right in front of Kirk but just fast forward to the 8:16 to see it all.

It was an extremely intense show. And if shit couldn’t be more out of control the band broke into the intro to “The Lasting Dose” and played it even slower than it already is. That just made everyone’s blood boil because they just wanted the band to kick in so they could beat each other up some more. I fucking loved it! I’m pretty sure it was that song were some jackass jumped of the stage and landed right on my shoulder. And not even five minutes after that I felt someone kick me in the back of the head. The woman next to me asked me if I was ok and I saw that psycho fanboy crowd surfing, so I immediately figured out that it was his foot that hit me. She and I both wanted to fuck him up because he kept on jumping our direction AND his breath smelt so fucking rancid. Rushing to the stage to show he knows every single word before jumping on us again and again. I was ready to hurt him.

The show was SICK. Crowbar were so fucking heavy. This really is the music you listen to to get fat! If I wasn’t sick I would’ve totally been motivated to lift weights the next day because they gave me such an adrenaline rush. This is the music you shit dead babies to. Fuck it – this is the music you EAT babies to! They ended the night with “Existence is Punishment” and just when you thought the crowd were tired from beating the shit out of each other they got right back into it just like that. I’ve never seen anything like it in all the years I’ve been to shows. I’ve seen things close to this happen but the difference was that at all those other shows the crowds calmed down at least a little after a few songs. Here? No. Just…no. At the end of the show I jokingly thanked Kirk for the free guitar lesson. “Free guitar lesson, huh?”, he asked on the mic in the raspy ass fucking voice of his. He then let out a smile and gave me this sick looking guitar pic out of his pocket.

This again was such a fucking sick show…the single most intense show I’ve ever gone to so far. I plan on going back to Saint Vitus this Monday to see Goatwhore, which ironically enough was formed by former Acid Bath and Crowbar guitarist Sammy Pierre Duet. That’s a band that puts on a sick show but I know that it won’t be the same as this.

Triple Crown Winner American Pharoah Eaten By Members of Heavy Metal Band Watain

Posted on June 8, 2015June 11, 2015 by Mike

The Tyranny of Tradition

Have you ever been so hungry you could eat a horse? On Sunday night, members of the black metal band Watain did just that.

At the end of an impromptu show at Wantagh, Long Island’s VFW Hall 3666, singer Erik Danielsson and the rest of the band carved up the now-legendary horse American Pharoah and consumed him raw. After the band concluded their concert and meal, they donated the remaining edible flesh of the animal to the audience of nearly one hundred formerly enlisted soldiers who served our country with honor during The Korean War and World War 2.

The thoroughbred’s owner Ahmed Zayat, who himself plays in a Megadeth cover band called Hoof in Mouth, is a huge fan of heavy metal and Watain in particular. He demanded that trainer Bob Baffert play Watain’s seminal metal song “Reaping Death” for at least an hour during each of Pharoah’s workouts…

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Five Years Gone

Posted on May 16, 2015September 12, 2016 by Mike

Has it really been five years, man? Five years since we lost you, the great Ronnie James Dio?? I sadly still remember it like it was yesterday, the day my friend over a Comic Book Jones gave me the news… “Dude, Dio died today” “Dude don’t lie to me like that!” and then he turned about the computer so I could see the Blabbermouth report for myself. I’ll never forget how sad I was at that very moment; and I’m still a bit sad any time I listen to your stuff Ronnie.

The first time I ever heard of you or saw you was a parody on South Park back in 1998. But it was over 2 years later when I heard you singing “Neon Knights” with Black Sabbath that I became hooked. Man did you have a set of pipes on you or what?? I wanted more and I eventually bought the entire Heaven and Hell album. It was then that I discovered that you pretty much were responsible for pretty much all of Metal’s fantastical themes: the dragons, the medieval themes of knights and kings, and of course…rainbows,a recurring theme from your days in the band Rainbow – thank you for ditching Blackmore’s dumb ass by the way!

Then there’s one more important piece of the puzzle you gave us – the horns. So much debate on who first used them, the origins of them with some people suggesting they were first used in India in the 14th century…India. There’s even debate on who used them on stage first. According to what you said your grandmother used to do that to “ward off the Evil Eye or to give the Evil Eye”, of course depending on how you do it. But regardless of who did what first it was ultimately you who made something so seemingly evil such a popular staple at shows everywhere – I know I’m not the only one and for that I thank you!

But I can’t finish this without talking about Dio the MUSICIAN. Oh yeah, until I bought your first solo album, Holy Diver, I was unaware of your ability to write more than just lyrics. Just listening to “Stand Up And Shout” I was instantly blown away at the fresh feeling of the song, the speed, the aggression(!!), the attitude, Vivian Campbell’s intense, frenzied solo. It was a pure breath of fresh air, a nice kick in the balls that almost made the three CDs you did with Sabbath sounds almost tame! There was also that voice, again. You could do anything with your voice and it’d sound amazing; you could sing softly, yell with power, snarl, growl, scream – you could do it all!

I’ll have to admit though, you were a bit funny when I saw you perform live for the first time. It was 2003 and you along with Motorhead were opening up for Iron Maiden at Madison Square Garden – what a bill! You came out and your pipes were in full power that night bro, and I was at 2nd row for this. But, Ronnie, dude, the way you moved on stage that night in your silk pants and shirt with your glitter cross, I wasn’t sure if I was watching Dio or a stripper! But I couldn’t make to many jokes, you killed it that night.

I saw you two more times years later with Heaven and Hell (bullshit. This will always be Black Sabbath!) at Radio City in 2007 and a year later at Metal Masters in New Jersey. If someone told me that that New Jersey show was to be the last time I ever saw you I’d tell them to eat shit and die but sadly that was the case. How empty the world seems without you Ronnie. You were truly one of a kind as a vocalist. But more than even that you were the total package as a frontman and a musician. Also, by most accounts you were also one of the coolest guys ever.

Here’s a quick story. My friend Rick called me up to tell me that his girlfriend, of all people, had been approached by you, Tony, Geezer and Vinny at a deli across the street from Vintage Vinyl, were I guess you all were doing a signing for The Devil You Know. I think you guys actually talked to her because she was the only one who wasn’t running after you guys. According to Rick as soon as you all finally said goodbye to her several girls ran to her asking her if she realized who she just spoke to and when they told her she frantically called Rick right away – and of course Rick called me right away!

Thank you Ronnie, for the impact you left on the Metal community, on several aspiring singers, and on me. There will never be anyone like you again; but I’d like to think that one day soon someone will come along with a passion of metal the at least matches yours. I’m going to leave off here with one of my favorite deep cuts from Holy Diver, because playing that title track alone would be too predictable. Rest in Peace Ronnie, and thank you again. \m/\m/

“Jeff Would Want This!”

Posted on April 30, 2015May 22, 2015 by Mike

…really guys? Because I don’t! There’s a lot I can say about the latest Metal Hammer. I can talk about Kerry and Tom’s take on the Dave Lombardo situation, the fact that this really isn’t the first time Paul Bostaph was in the band, the fact that Gary Holt is pretty much a Slayer member at this point.

But all I really care about is that stupid quote on the cover of the mag. Why? Because I don’t know about you but I’m not looking forward to a whole album written by Kerry King, no fucking way. And I know I’m not the only one either!

Jeff Hanneman, Slayer’s fallen guitarist – I still miss him so much! – was the guy that kept Slayer raw as FUCK. You knew damn well when a song was written by him because it was usually so fucked up. HIs shit was real; it came from inside because, unlike Kerry, he wasn’t listening to bullshit nu-metal or trying to fit in with what might’ve been popular, especially in the early 2000’s. He also came from a family of war veterans which meant A. He knew exactly what he was writing about at all times and B. He was able to write about more than just blood and death.

Jeff’s punk rock background also gave him that ability to write music without limitations. His solos are way more off the cuff than Kerry’s ever were. I’ve yet to hear another guitarist solo off key and make it fit the song perfectly – but Jeff could do it. Oh, and back to the brutality thing, Jeff has a major one-up on Kerry – he wrote “Angel of Death”, one of the most brutal and fucked up songs off all time. Kerry could never get the band in as much trouble as Jeff did with THAT song but hey, there’s no such thing as bad publicity when you’re in Slayer. Jeff also wrote some of Slayer’s most memorable songs: “War Ensemble”, “Dead Skin Mask”, “South of Heaven””Postmortem”, “Raining Blood” – the starter for every pit….ever.

I mean no disrespect to Gary Holt but Slayer should just call it a day. They’ve accomplished more than they could’ve ever dreamed of as band with songs like “Necrophiliac”, but Kerry writing the whole thing already makes the upcoming album sound so one dimensional to me. Gary obviously had no input in this – and he shouldn’t. When Jeff died the band lost it’s raw edge, that let it loose spirit. Some of you might say that about Dave Lombardo being out again but this article isn’t about him because he left the band once before and he’s still breathing. Even my friend Idrees, the biggest Slayer fanboy you’ll EVER know finally saw the light, telling me this past December that even HE made peace with the fact the Slayer are done. Oh, and you’ll read more about that guy soon.

Anyway, I don’t know about you but as far as I’m concerned, I feel like Tom Araya and especially Kerry are just keeping the band alive for no other reason but to keep cash flowing. I don’t know why Kerry doesn’t try the side project he said he always wanted to do with Zakk Wylde. Kerry, you guys are toast, just let it go. Here’s how I’ll always remember Slayer…with a Jeff song:

RIP Jeff Hanneman 1964 – 2013

Workout Song of the Day

Posted on April 25, 2015 by Mike

This will drive anyone to lift heavy or just fight some guy and just not stop – even if several cops are trying to rip you off the guy you’re beating the shit out of! Ironically this is also the very first Testament song I ever heard back when I was in high school. Metal. As. Fuck. \m/\m/!!!!

Angel Vivaldi Live at Dingbatz

Posted on April 22, 2015April 22, 2015 by Mike

See this guy? Nice guitar! Also looks metro as FUCK, right? I would know. The night I met him he pointed at my forehead and told me “You have great eyebrows!” Well, for those of you who haven’t a clue who he is – because I sure as fuck had no idea until last summer/fall – this is former VeXt and Black Market Hero guitarist, 7 string guitar GOD and current YouTube sensation Angel Vivaldi and he can bury you and even every single one of your idols on guitar. As I said, I had no idea who he was until last summer when I met my girlfriend…who happens to be this guy’s best friend. So of course I learned a lot about the guy. All there really is to know though is the guy’s is absolutely IN-FUCKIN’-CREDIBLE! His aggression and his attitude on the guitar are unmatched. His creativity as a songwriter and as a soloist? Second to none. Below is the link to his latest music video from his latest album released late last year, Away With Words Part 1:

So this past Saturday Courtenay and I went to go see him play at Dingbatz in Clifton, NJ, during an all day festival, where he was playing a makeup gig since he injured his hand a few months back. We both showed up a minute or two apart from each other by chance and as soon as he saw me, “Eyebrows!”, he proclaimed before hugging me a tad too intently. Okay…

I had to take a picture of the Deception Theory sticker on the wall there. I used to work at Home Depot with their drummer, very awesome guy. I wonder how he’s doing.

I was starving so before we went inside we went to Dingo’s across the street. I’d say it’s like what Lucky 13’s was before they were able to relocate and feature bands again, a cool rock themed bar.

I’ve just got to hear what these guys sounded like!

So after leaving during one real shitty band we came back in time for an instrumental metal band called Oraculum. We saw them the last time we were there when they were filling in for Angel after his injury. They were ok when I first saw them but this time they were better, especially their lead guitarist. All that his millions of solos need is the attitude to go with the speed and aggression that’s already there and he’ll be going places.

And while they were on we caught this hipster looking fuckface.

This guy’s dumb head was constantly getting in the way once I began filming Angel’s set and I wanted to choke him so fucking badly.

Anyway, Angel Vivaldi had a one hour set. One hour. To obliterate everyone who went one before him. Here are the opening two songs from the set:

I do apologize for the sound quality. I hope to get a real camcorder soon so I don’t have to use the phone anymore.

The most people showed up just to see him, I know it, because I didn’t see a lot of people when I came in. Also, it was so nice out that unless Alice In Chains were playing a secret show at this place I doubt many people would have been there for anything. Just a year or two back no one would’ve given a shit about Angel Vivaldi or how hard he worked to get where he is and now he’s about to go on tour for his latest album. His entire band were so on point, so tight, so badass. Jake Skylyr had this amazing looking Carvin double neck 6 string bass, one neck with frets the other without. His single neck bass is the reason I couldn’t post my other video. That shit just ROARED over the whole band! Also, Bill Fore is a BEAST of a drummer. I swear he could play any style of metal…I’m pretty sure I heard them all that night. Jason Tarantino is an awesome guitarist, very capable of keeping up with Angel. I also heard him rip a few licks of his own that surely kicked my ass.

It was an awesome show and if he ever comes to your town I’d totally recommend you get your asses down to wherever he and his band are playing. I see nothing but a bright future for him.

As we were leaving I had to take this picture. As I was getting my phone ready some jackass opened the door, hit my head and had the dumbest look on his fuckin’ stupid face when asking me if I was ok before walking away like a retard. Some people are just dumb motherfuckers.

Here are some links to Angel’s music:

http://www.youtube.com/user/AngelVivaldi

http://www.facebook.com/angelvivaldi

http://www.angevivaldi.bigcartel.com

Confessions of an Angry Metalhead

Tag: “Sarcasm”