“Is That A Chick’s Ass????”

You see the guitar in the main picture?  Yeah?  Now look at the finish closely.  All you see is a pink guitar?  Look again…closer.  See it now?  Now, if you’re a guy under twenty you just jizzed yourself. Twice.  If you’re over twenty you can’t stop laughing, but you still have control over yourself.  You women though….oh, you….the mixed reactions you broads have given this guitar over the years…some of you are obviously offended…yet…some of you actually like it!!  Really???  Um…ok!

I’ll never forget the first time I laid eyes on this thing back in the early spring of 2004, probably the end of March.  My old music store, where I was no longer taking lessons at this point, was right next door to my shit job where I was working at the time so I took a visit until I had to go clock in.  I looked to my right and immediately saw this…guitar…hanging on the wall.  It was a B.C. Rich Bich, the one shape I’ve always wanted ever since I saw old clips of Dave Mustaine using it with Metallica on Megadeth’s VH1 Behind The Music episode three years earlier.  But this one was…different…and not just because it was part of B.C. Rich’s Body Art Series either.  The pervert in me immediately saw what a lot of people usually need a few looks to see.  Holy shit that’s a chick’s ass in a thong!  A chick’s ass is the finish of a guitar!  What does this say on the tag?  “Bich’s Back”?  Yeah, I’ll say!  Only $300?  Hmmmm.

I was told by the store owner’s piece of shit daughter, who I won’t name because she doesn’t deserve the recognition, that there were two other guitars like that but they sold quickly as should’ve been expected.  She then said that she arranged for B.C. Rich to recall the last one?  Why?  “Because I don’t want kids to come in here and see it.”  I wish I knew what the big deal is, as far as I know she’s only music store employee I ever knew that would say something that stupid.  It’s been more than eleven years since I heard that remark and I still can’t believe I heard it!  So fuckin’ what if a kid sees it??  After much debating I asked this dumb bitch when B.C. Rich were supposed to come.  “Friday”, she told me.  “Yeah?  Well call them and tell them to forget it.  I’ll be back here when I get paid to put money down on it.”, was my immediate response.  I had to get this thing.

The very next Friday I went back there right after I got out of work and used part of my tax return to pay the rest off and this baby was mine!  As the store owner’s cunt of a daughter was counting my money she quipped in a pretty serious tone “I think you’re a pervert for buying this!”.  Oh I have stories on this twat that could last a whole day’s worth of conversation; but then you’d have to knock me out to shut me up.  But who gave a shit?  They had $300 of my money since I was no longer taking lessons with them at this point anyway AND I had a guitar that practically screamed sleazy, filthy no condom fucking…with the risk of a few STDs.  Twenty four frets for hitting those high notes to make this bich scream, a curvaceous body, that finish!  The store’s owner offered to drive me to the mall since I wanted to grab some food before I went home since I didn’t have a car yet; while in his van I asked him if he thought I was a perv like his jackass daughter said I was for buying the guitar.  “I think it’s the most macho thing you can buy!”, he quickly responded.

My time in the mall?  Oh that was just fantastic!  I was given an acoustic guitar case to carry the Bich in because of it’s abnormal shape and when I arrived at the food court to eat I ran into someone and I sadly don’t remember who the guy was.  I showed him the guitar and he couldn’t believe the finish on this.  At that very moment I was approached by this guy I’ve seen on and off at bus stops in his Fun Station USA work shirt.  He had long hair in a pony tail with an under shave and he wanted to let me know that and he and his girlfriend both saw my guitar from across the way and he wanted to tell me he thought it was awesome.  That was cool and he seemed like a nice guy.  The problem?  His girlfriend, who was giving me the death stare right behind him, was this lunatic who I was crazy enough to be friends with not even two years earlier and to say the least I was surprised she was still alive.  I actually spotted her crazy ass a month earlier at a show and when I told my dad the next day even his response was “She’s still alive??”.  So as much as her boyfriend – and future baby daddy – was cool, I could not wait to brush him off as quickly as I could!

It’s amazing, the kinds of people you can attract just by carrying a guitar.  While I was on my way home I was waiting to transfer to my second bus when some homeboy asked to see my guitar.  “Yo dat shit is dope!”, he yelled out with a big laugh.  Then came this weird looking lady who clearly had to be in her late forties.  She saw that I had a B.C. Rich and decided to tell me this story that I still don’t know if I want to believe, in which she saw Metallica with Mustaine on lead guitar at a show.  According to her Dave was playing his first B.C. Rich guitar.  He hated it so much that at the end of the show he smashed it and one of the wooden shards hit this lady’s neck, cutting it open.  She then told me she would force it to stay open for weeks because she wanted to keep the memories.  Ok….

The next day I finally plugged it in and I was kind of surprised to hear how weak the pickups actually were.  I should’ve known, being that the guitar was kind of a novelty.  The solution?  Replacing them with EMG 85 and 81 pickups – problem definitely solved!  Goddamn this thing was loud after that.  I was playing it – and bragged about it – with a sense of pride for years.  It just screamed “METAL!!” as far as I was concerned.  I used it for years, I mean my next three bands.  I saw it as an attention grabber and my ex-guitarist from my first metal band joked that the guitar is the one thing I’d be remembered for.  Months before my second band’s debut gig in 2007 I decided the guitar needed a little extra kink if you will, so I went to Rudy’s on 48th St in Manhattan and got myself a Levy’s Leather Strap with chains going right down the middle.

Of course, not everybody liked the guitar.  Typical scenario: I’d bring the guitar somewhere, where is irrelevant.  I’ll take my guitar out and some woman will notice.  “That’s an interesting guitar, bring it over here.”  I bring it over.  “It’s so interesting that you’d have a pink guitar.  Wait…is that…oh…”.  Just like that she’s grossed out.  In fact the last time I had the guitar set up for it’s final shows in 2013, the female owner of the store I went to, Rustic Music Center, took one look and declared “that’s the funniest and grossest guitar I’ve ever seen” before calling the guys in the place to take a look at the finish.  I auditioned for the thrash band Sun Descends in 2005 and when I took the guitar out the lead singer, ex-Exumer vocalist Mem Von Stein, immediately said to me with weariness in his eyes “You have another guitar…right?”

But as I said earlier, some women thought it was amazing, including my brother’s ex-girlfriend as well as girls who worked at my college radio station.  Speaking of my brother, one day a friend of his that I used to go to school with gave me a ride to the bus, I think.  I had my guitar with me and when my brother told me to show the guitar his wannabe rapper buddy even he yelled out “What???  That’s AWESOME!!”  Yeah, the guitar even transcends musical boundaries.  At my first ever metal show some dope told me he wanted to have sex with my guitar.  My bodybuilder doppelganger and friend Jon has even considered buying one of his own all because of mine!

Since then I’ve been retired from band life.  So where’s the guitar been ever since I’ve moved to New Jersey?  In the closet because my girlfriend doesn’t want to see it.  Oh sure, I’ll take out from time to time.  I think I’d like to give it another setup.  I do know that if I ever got back into it and began work on the offensive metal project of my dreams there’s no better than my Bich’s Back to get the job done!

Here’s the Bich today:

IMG_20151101_163958795 IMG_20151101_164006142 IMG_20151101_164038068  IMG_20151101_164104554

 

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