Tag: “Angry”

Jerry Cantrell – I Want Blood

Posted on by Mike

https://open.spotify.com/embed/episode/57AOabins5CaX3Ro4ctBmC?utm_source=generator

In a very recent interview, Jerry Cantrell, Alice in Chains riff GOD and my Lord and Savior, stated that regardless of who you are, no solo record should ever sound the same. And he certainly is living up to that credo with his latest record, I Want Blood, which was released just last Friday. I Want Blood is a massive departure from Jerry’s previous solo outing, 2021’s Country Rock opus Brighten. Brighten almost could’ve passed as a pre-Take It to the Limit Eagles album! Think of songs like “Take It Easy”.

With the release of the first single for the new album, which I already reviewed, it was clear that Jerry decided to bring more balls back to the music. He also decided to add a few old friends into the mix for these songs. While 95% of the Brighten crew returned, including ex-Dillinger Escape Plan members Greg Puciato (I just vomited in my mouth typing that!) on backing vocals and Gil Sharone on drums, Guns N’ Homos bassist Duff McKagen – Yeah, I said it! Fuck his band and him too! – there are a few additions. While Tyler Bates is the one man missing from the Brighten crew, Lola Collette – who I just found out is Tyler’s daughter! – provides backing vocals along with Greg. Also here, as mentioned in my “Vilified” review is Metallica bassist Rob Trujillo. Faith No More/ex-Ozzy drummer Mike Bordin also makes an appearance on two tracks.

Before I continue, I need to make clear that neither Rob nor Mike Bordin play on any tracks together. Therefore, if you were hoping for some kind of Degradation Trip audio reunion, as I was, you’re going to be disappointed.

As I was.

The opening track is “Vilified”, which again, I already reviewed, and you can read that review in the hyperlink I provided two paragraphs ago. “Off The Rails” makes it clear that “Vilified” is no fluke track, and that the album is to continue in this heavier direction. And for that, I say thank fuck! I really like the pedal tone lick that’s used to fill the empty spaces throughout the main riff before it double times. There’s even a guitar solo here! Next is “Afterglow” which was also the album’s second single to be released. I initially was not a fan of this tune. I understood this was meant to be a slower tune; but I initially saw the song as underwhelming, a tad too middle of the road. But upon hearing it in the context of the album as a whole, I appreciate it at least a little more.

It’s weird to hear the changes in Cantrell’s delivery as a singer and a guitarist as he ages. He remains a standout; you can never NOT recognize him upon hearing his style. But his lead playing style has lost some of its intensity, even if the songs themselves still kick major ass. And his voice is a tad shakier these days. I first noticed it on Brighten. So, I can’t tell if it’s something he’s just using for these solo albums to help them stand apart from his Alice material, or if this is his voice now, a product of much wear and tear. He’s 58 after all, so it’s rather plausible. But let’s not misunderstand – he STILL has a powerful voice when needed.

I chose to wait until now before reviewing the album’s title track as it was released as a single just a week prior to the album release date. I need to get this part out of the way now: The way he says, “I Want Blood!” at the beginning of the song is weird, almost funny. I understand the metaphor behind the title and the song, which is more about swinging for the fences than killing someone (too bad). But he almost sounds like a lazy vampire, if that makes sense. Maybe he can be compared to even the Count. Yes, THAT Count!

(Talks like the Count) I want blood, ha ha ha!

Basically, I’m not convinced Cantrell wants blood here. Put some more gusto into it, fucker!

In all seriousness, the track is fucking awesome! It’s so awesome I forgive him for using a tambourine! It almost reminds me a little bit of the chorus riff from “Dickeye” from Boggy Depot, but with even more beef to the guitar tones. It’s one of the fastest tracks on the entire record, and when I hear Jerry compare himself to a boxer in the track in interviews, I can envision it within the context of the song. “Echoes of Laughter” is next. I love the distorted phase effect used in the verses. It’s a slow one, bringing the pace back down after the faster pace of the previous track. But upon hearing the rest of the track, I personally feel like the production is a tad too slick, that there are far too many instrumental layers. I have zero complaints about vocal harmonies.

Next up is “Throw Me a Line” – my fucking FAVORITE TRACK ON THE ENTIRE ALBUM. It’s PERFECT. It’s got that Black Sabbath-style one-note riff, with the type of syncopation that became Jerry’s trademark via “Man in the Box” 34 years ago. The tempo and groove both allow every instrument and player to breathe. Also here is an important lesson for all musicians. Listen to that slight silence within the syncopated rhythm. Pay close attention. It’s slight but it counts. Why? Because what’s NOT played is equally as important as what is played. Space is still criminally underrated in music to this day.

Speaking of Black Sabbath, do you hear that bend in the main riff to “Let it Lie”? Jerry’s guitar style from Dirt to now is greatly informed by that type of bend, courtesy of his jerking off to “Iron Man” as a kid. That riff alone could’ve absolutely been on an Alice in Chains record. I also love his super thick wah tone in the solo. It’s been that thick even since Rainier Fog and it even reminds me of the solo to “Drone” of that record, even if the solo leaves a little something to be desired.

“No tearful confession, I admit to nothing wrong…” is the acapella line that starts off “Held Your Tongue” before the band kicks in. This along with the previous two tracks are among the heaviest of the entire record. “We belong together”, he sings in a three-part harmony fitting only of God himself. The song as a whole could have fit anywhere on Degradation Trip as far as I’m concerned. The chorus and flange-soaked arpeggio that starts off “It Comes”, the album’s closer, is beyond trippy. I actually envision multicolored, psychedelic swirls each time I play it back. It’s a slow dirge until approximately 3:25 when it picks up some speed and makes way for possibly Jerry’s best solo in the entire alum. It’s infused with wah, soaked in delay, as has become his signature ever since Black Gives Way to Blue was released fifteen years ago. And just like that, it crashes back down. That’s how dynamics are properly executed.

After Brighten, I’m very surprised at Jerry for pivoting back into a heavier style. I feel like that album is a more accurate representation of Jerry and his personality today. But respect goes to him for insisting on pivoting anyway, especially since he of all people could’ve easily kept moving in the same direction. He has NOTHING to prove to anyone, yet he chooses to challenge himself.

Recommended Tracks:

Vilified, I Want Blood, Throw Me A Line, Held Your Tongue, It Comes

I give I Want Blood four out of five middle fingers.

A New Era, A New Hope: The Black Dahlia Murder – Servitude

Posted on by Mike

It finally happened. We’ve waited four long, questionable years. In fact, what we have here is an album so highly anticipated, so in-demand, that the pre-orders were distributed days before it’s official release. Then again, there was so much riding on Servitude, the first new album by The Black Dahlia Murder in over four years. I don’t need to remind anyone reading this that it’s also the first record released from the band since the tragic passing of founding lead singer Trevor Strnad. And with founding rhythm guitarist and backing vocalist Brian Eschbach abandoning his post to take on lead vocals, along with the monumental return of guitarist Ryan Knight, we now have a whole new band, with TWO lead guitarists, and with Brian being the sole original member of the band left.

So, how does Version 2.0 of the Black Dahlia Murder hold up on their first album?

The sounds of waves crashing on the shore open up “Evening Ephemeral” before we hear the ominous notes of a hammer dulcimer, which really does sound a lot like a piano. It’s a rather dramatic, yet sensible way to open up a record as high stakes as Servitude. Perhaps it’s a quiet tribute to Trevor before the storm? A sinister introduction to Version 2.0 of the most important Death Metal band of the last two decades? Who really knows?

What I do know is that the band kicks right through that fucking door with Brian letting out such a fucking scream. The fun in the album as a whole has been trying to figure out which guitarist in the band wrote what, since the songs are all credited the band as a whole, even though we do know that each guitarist – Brian included – wrote three songs for Servitude. I heard a power chord with a whammy dive during this intro riff and I can only assume that this song had to be something Brandon Ellis wrote, because I never heard that trick until “As Good as Dead” off Nightbringers, his debut with the band in 2017.

After an epic introduction, Alan Cassidy loses his shit with some gloriously chaotic blastbeats, while bassist Max Lavelle, Ryan and Brandon play their instruments like they have too much to prove and even more to lose. In regard to solo spots, it sounds to me as if Ryan and Brandon as trading off licks here, and I fucking love that. It’s difficult at times to discern who’s playing since their styles are so similar. And you’d have to imagine that because their roots are in a Tech Metal band such as Arsis, some of that flavor will prevail at times. Only it’ll be done better because James Malone isn’t the one writing the music.

I can tell Brian wrote “Panic Hysteric” which also now has a music video for it. His style is far too recognizable. I’m grateful he’s still writing music and didn’t just leave the writing to Brandon and Ryan. Brian Eschbach with or without Trevor IS the Black Dahlia Murder. I already reviewed “Aftermath” individually and later retracted my interpretation of the lyrics. More on that part later! But what I will add is Brian DEFINITELY wrote this one, and it was a fantastic way to reintroduce the band in its current form.

I fucking LOVE “Cursed Creator”! It’s probably my favorite of the entire album. I cannot pinpoint who wrote it, but I’m wondering if it was Ryan. The double-timed riff is drenched in harmonies and the song itself is filled with changes in tempo along with dynamics. That solo is unmistakably Ryan’s, and I really missed hearing him tear it up. It’s great to have him back, even with the shitty circumstances behind his return. Ok let’s talk about “An Intermission”. Fuck this!!! Yes, the music is gorgeous. But I fucking HATE when ANY band – sorry guys, you aren’t safe here! – takes a short piece of music and labels it “intermission” or will tack it on to the beginning of a record and title it “The End”, or “End of the Beginning”, or “End of Your Mother’s Ass” or some shit. Just tack it onto the next track and call it a day, or don’t use it at all! Less albums than you realize need that stupid shit.

“Asserting Dominion” has that mid-90’s, At The Gates style shuffle that adorns many Black Dahlia tunes. Brian’s voice grows on me the more I hear him. His style is unsurprisingly similar to Trevor’s, but it sounds far more Black Metal in tone than Trevor’s. Trevor was essentially Jeff Walker in steroids to me. I’m also almost positive Brandon wrote this one. There’s a shit ton of melody to it and he’s an absolute disciple of 80’s lead guitar, which at times could be equally as melodic as it was chaotic depending on the guitarist and style of music. The album’s title track takes no prisoners from the start and sounds like a Brian Eschbach tour de force, not just because I’m all but positive the music is his, but because this to me is where he reminds me of Trevor the most in his vocal performance. I don’t believe he’s blatantly trying to sound like Trevor and I certainly wouldn’t want that.

I’ve already reviewed “Mammoth’s Hand” when it was released as a single. It’s already been made clear that Ryan absolutely wrote this one and therefore plays the main solo. It’s probably my other favorite track on the record, since Brian was lyrically inspired by a really bad 80’s cult movie. “Transcosmic Blueprint” is an even more badass version of “Asserting Dominion”. It starts off with the mid-90’s Swedish-style shuffle but with a tad more attitude, before changing styles and tempos midway through. I’m positive Ryan and Brandon were trading licks again. This is a simply amazing song that essentially showcases everything The Balck Dahlia Murder has done since their 2003 debut.

“Utopia Black” is a fucking statement. It starts with another loud ass scream from Brian. This reminds me of a few other album closers from the band over time. The minor keys set it off and Brandon’s virtuosic solos abound paint an epic picture. The lyrics “devotion shall be rewarded/a Black Utopia washing over one and all” perfectly preface the end of the song, along with the reprise of the waves crashing down and the return of the earlier heard hammer dulcimer, indicating some semblance of a theme.

Now let’s discuss lyrical themes, because there is something that needs to be addressed. I already admitted recently that looked too deeply into the lyrics to “Aftermath”. I interpreted it as crawling back from tragedy the likes of which theoretically should’ve instantly killed the band. But no, it was literally just about surviving zombies in a post-Armageddon world. In that same vein, “Mammoth’s Hand” was literally using the plot to the movie Beastmaster to guide the lyrical content. With that in mind Brian made it clear that the lyrics to all of the songs on Servitude are not necessarily serious. He just took topics and wrote about them.

It’s a far cry from the death and horror themes Trevor wrote about. Sure, Brian did write some fantasy, occult, horror laden lyrics on Servitude. But for now, anyway, he wasn’t as serious in tone as Trevor was. He wasn’t going to be, and I’m honestly ok with that, knowing Brian has plenty of time now to explore and improve upon what he’s accomplished already.

So, what do I think of Servitude? Considering most of us thought the band were cooked two years ago, this is far better than I imagined. The Black Dahlia Murder knew they had something to prove in their new state and they killed it. They lose points, however, for “An Intermission”. I give Servitude four out of 5 middle fingers.

Recommended Tracks

Evening Ephemeral, Panic Hysteric, Aftermath, Cursed Creator, Mammoth’s Hand, Utopia Black

The Black Dahlia Murder – Mammoth’s Hand

Posted on by Mike

I didn’t even have to look for this new track from The Black Dahlia Murder, since one of my Instagram followers chose to send it to me early Tuesday morning. “Mammoth’s Hand” is the second single off of Servitude, the group’s first album in over four years and their first without the late Trevor Strnad. And as you can see above, it even has a fucking sick animated video to accompany it. So, let’s get right to it!

“Mammoth’s Hand” is a slower paced track, unlike “Aftermath”, the first single from the upcoming album…or 99.8% of the band’s entire two decades-long catalogue. The song sounds so much like something from Nightbringers that I was immediately under the impression the Brandon Ellis wrote the music, especially with his short intro solo before Brain Eschbach begins singing. Turns out I was wrong, and Ryan actually wrote this one. And that very much excites me because it’s partially what I’ve been waiting for.

The song’s slower tempo allows the guitars to breathe, allowing you to hear every note being played. The arrangement is perfection. There’s a short section where the tempo is double timed (that means the tempo is faster for you non-musos). The syncopated break in the middle makes it so much more badass. The solo kicks in at the 2:22 mark and it’s played by non-other than Ryan Motherfucking Knight! It’s dripping with emotion, aggression, feel, harmonies, everything I loved about his solos during his initial run with the band. His and Brandon’s styles are very similar. Think the primary difference is Brandon’s sound is a little more razor sharp than Ryan’s, and his bends are just a tad more extreme than even Ryan’s. I did recently compare Ryan to a modern-day Andy LaRoque after all!

Ok, now for the lyrics. I need to start this off by admitting that I apparently dug way too deep for my own good when dissecting the lyrics to “Aftermath”. I took it as a statement on crawling back after tragedy. Nope. It really was just about Zombies and the end of the Earth after it was hit by a meteor. Turns out that as a lyricist, Brian is nowhere near as dark as Trevor was. Either that or since this was his first go around as the primary lyricist, he decided to just have fun with it. I can’t say I blame Brian at all. So, where in the past the lyrics were as dark and deranged as you’d expect from any Death Metal band, yet the videos were fun, the lyrics won’t be serious at all in this new era of The Black Dahlia Murder.

Take the lyrics to “Mammoth’s Hand”. Brian revealed that they were literally inspired by the early 1980’s cult flick, The Beastmaster. Did you click on the link to see the trailer for that? Is it not gloriously schlocky? Although like many schlocky movies, this one had one hot ass chick. RIP Tanya Roberts.

Yeah, she was hot. The titties are smaller than what I’d usually prefer, but she sure was easy on the eyes. I’d fuck her.

Anyway, the lyrics to “Mammoth’s Hand’s”, according to Brian, were inspired by one particular scene in the movie. As for Brian own performance, I actually liked it better than even his performance on “Aftermath”. The slower tempo allows him to play around with nuances and explore more of his own dynamics. He actually sounded more like a Black Metal vocalist here, as far as I can tell.

Again, this isn’t the first time we’ve ever heard the Black Dahlia Murder slow it down, and I really like this one. I’m leaving here the link to pre-order Servitude, which comes out next month. I already pre-ordered it, and you should too. If there was ever a time to support The Black Dahlia Murder, THIS is that time. BUY THE FUCKING RECORD!

I absolutely give “Mammoth’s Hand” 5 out of 5 middle fingers.

Jerry Cantrell – “Vilified”

Posted on by Mike

I dare you to tell me with a straight face that you saw this coming. I sure didn’t! We knew he was recording…something…and that was made apparent when his iconic 1985 G&L “Blue Dress” Rampage was misplaced for a day after initially being declared as “stolen”. So when “Vilified” dropped about a week ago, it was a pleasant surprise in so many ways.

The opening drum pattern, which establishes off the bat the song is going to be played in 6/8, is rather powerful. A John Bonham-esque triplet is the kickoff point for the rest of band to kick in. Cantrell’s main riff is rather simple, very one-note, seventies-like, but it kicks ass. It wasn’t until after I heard it that I discovered that Gil Sharone is back on drums for “Vilified”. On bass? None other than Robert fucking Trujillo. Degradation Trip reunion!

Before I continue, here’s a bit of context for the clueless out there. Jerry’s rhythm section for Degradation Trip Vol. 1 & 2, released in 2002, were comprised of both Robert on bass and Mike Bordin on drums. Those two were Ozzy’s rhythm section at the time, with Degradation Trip being released the year before Robert left Ozzy to replace Jason Newsted in Metallica. Ok, back to the song!

“Vilified” is very much a hard rock song, a major contrast to anything on his previous solo record, which I will allude to more soon. Keeping in the 70’s style of hard rock, Jerry uses the Talk Box for one guitar track. He’s been using that more in the last six years than he has in a long time! The song breaks with its 6/8 pattern at the 2:10 mark for a break down section, lasting about 25 seconds before the original time signature returns in time for harmonized guitar solo. Between his guitar solos on the last album and here, Jerry’s solos are rather simple, nothing compared to his solos in Alice in Chains and perhaps that’s by design. Who knows. But I liked it, it’s still more than what could be heard on the last record. One last breakdown section appears at 3:45 point and finishes the song. It’s a solid, slow headbanger section and an excellent way to end “Vilified”.

Lyrically, “Vilified” appears to be about the internet, the recent rise of Artificial Intelligence in particular, and society’s tendency to rely on AI, as well as fall for its deceptiveness, via fake pictures, videos with manipulated dialogue where no one sees that the sound doesn’t match the movement of the lips, etc. A word he uses in the first pre-chorus is schadenfreude. Schadenfreude is a German word that means harm-joy. It’s the feeling of joy that someone gets from watching others suffer, which we see a lot on social media, and the most insecure losers living in their mommy’s basements right now are looking for to make themselves feel more validated in life. Bullying. So, when he sings “schadenfreude crescendo/AI, skew the innuendo“, I can only imagine he’s addressing the dopamine increase we as a society get from watching everything on our computers and phones and determining it’s all happening in real time when in reality, a lot of it isn’t even true.

Must feel good to have “something” validate your thoughts.

I’m noticing a lot of people commenting on Jerry’s vocal harmonies when he sings the line “Oh, my savior, our failure“, comparing it to a harmony he easily would’ve performed with the late Layne Staley. Upon repeated listens I hear it. I really do. The only giveaway that it isn’t Layne is Jerry has that Oklahoma twang in his vocals, a product of his childhood growing up there. Overall, however, his voice is fucking STRONG here.

“Vilified” was released a day or so before it was announced that a new album, I Want Blood, will be released in October. And if “Vilified” is any indicator, I Want Blood will probably sound nothing like 2021’s Brighten, as so many people were thinking about with dread. Clearly, you can see that I liked Brighten and found it to be a solid alum if you clicked on that last hyperlink. It might’ve appeared however to be a tad too country rock for some. They can suck my dick.

But I wouldn’t go ahead and assume right off the bat that this upcoming album is going to be another Degradation Trip like I’m seeing some people jerk off to the idea of. “Vilified” is a banger; but Jerry has yet to release a solo album that didn’t have its own character. And since I have DT – and ALL of Jerry’s solo albums for that matter! – I can tell you right now that I Want Blood will probably not sound like DT, nor would I want it to. Get your hands out of your pants and let Jerry continue to give each album its own identity!

In fact, you can even preorder the album here! Now BUY THE FUCKING RECORD!

I give “Vilified” four middle fingers.

How Jeff Got His Balls Back

Posted on by Mike

I was supposed to be finished with blogs/podcasts for the year after the most recent shit I released just two nights ago. But seeing the news post on Metal Injection’s Instagram account this morning excited me so much that before I even read the fucking story on their proper website, I went ahead and posted it on my Instagram story and wrote: “Way to go, Jeff! Congratulations, your balls and dignity are back!!!!!”

If you’ve yet to read the article or even hear the news, Guitar GOD Jeff Loomis has left Arch Enemy after nine years. That’s a lot longer than I would’ve ever imagined someone like Jeff being a part of that shitshow! Because that’s what Arch Enemy has been for well over a decade. Jeff has already been replaced by Joey Concepcion, formerly of The Absence, who I was a fan of at the time, and Sanctuary.

Is it just me, or isn’t it ironic that Jeff was replaced by the guy from Warrell Dane’s first band?

Here’s Arch Enemy’s statement:

“It’s been a joy having Jeff play with Arch Enemy for close to a decade, we truly had a blast touring around the world together! We were friends long before we played music together and we remain even closer buddies now, which feels great. We respect that he’s in a place and time in life where he needs to step out of Arch Enemy and we all wish him nothing but the best moving forward.

The only constant is change, and this is one of those moments where things had to change a little to move forward in a satisfactory way for everyone involved. With all that said, we are extremely pleased to announce that we have recruited Joey Concepcion as our new guitarist! Joey’s a phenomenal talent and has been a friend of the band for a long time, he even filled in for Jeff on a couple of European festival shows back in 2018.

We have touring and a myriad of other exciting things coming up on the horizon with Arch Enemy for 2024 and beyond and are thrilled to move forward, creating the next chapter and keeping the metal flowing!”

Jeff’s statement:

“My time in Arch Enemy has come to an end. I have had a great time (9 years!) of playing and touring with them, but now it’s time to enter a new chapter in my life. I wish Alissa, Michael, Sharlee and Daniel the very best and consider them all lifelong friends. I’d also like to thank the crew that have always been nothing but kind to me. Their hard work and dedication towards the band is incredible, and we wouldn’t be able to put on the great shows without them. Thank you again for all your support over the years and Happy New Year.”

Both of these statements sound very polished, very edited. Arch Enemy’s statement has me laughing inside a little, especially the part where they state that “this is one of those moments where things had to change a little to move forward in a satisfactory way for everyone involved“. I can only imagine this was everyone gritting their teeth as one party really wanted to exclaim, “thank fuck he’s gone so I continue writing songs in the same corny, stale formula I’ve been attached to since the late 2000’s”, while the other party is responding, “thank fuck I’m out of there, and I never have to wear those fucktarded outfits and play boring stale formulaic shit ever again!”. 

I wonder which party is which here!

If you’re reading this and somehow haven’t the faintest idea of who the fuck Jeff Loomis is outside of Bland Enemy, the Dad Rock of Metal bands (I said it!), go on Spotify, or YouTube, or Apple Music, or raid your older brother’s CD collection, and just listen to the entire Nevermore catalogue. To say that Jeff Loomis is a PHENOM would be a GROSS understatement. He has it all: his own signature playing style, his own signature sound, attitude, his own distinct songwriting style. Jeff Loomis is literally the total package. It’s easy to see upon listening to Nevermore or either of his two solo albums, 2008’s Zero Order Phase, or 2012’s Plains of Oblivion (I can almost hear Warrell Dane howling that out in my head, or even snarling it in his sinister speaking voice!) why people have commented that Jeff is comparable to an underground Dimebag Darrell. He has ALL the tools, much like Dime had, only he never met his true potential and made it to the top of the heap as Dime had just a few years before Nevermore even released their 1995 self-titled debut.

On the other side of the coin, we have the Michael Amott-led Arch Enemy. Michael also has his own signature playing style along with his own distinct songwriting style. That style was initially introduced to Carcass when he joined the band in the early 90’s, as it dictated a change in the band’s Grindcore sound into something a little different on 1991’s Necroticism – Descanting The Insalubrious. That sound was further leaned on with Carcass’s landmark 1994 album, Heartwork, which is essentially the birth of what we know today as Melodic Death Metal. There were more guitar solos, and the riffs sounded far more like Iron Maiden due to an increase in harmonized riffs than ANYTHING before 1991.

Michael took a chance and left Carcass to start Arch Enemy, which would be used to further expand on this style that Michael brought to Carcass, which in retrospect did to Carcass what Michael McDonald did to The Doobie Brothers. After two albums they hit gold when, in 2000, Arch Enemy brought in German hottie Angela Gossow on lead vocals. I first read about her as well as Arch Enemy in Terrorizer Magazine upon the release of their landmark 2001 album, Wages of Sin. She was hot. But then I heard her growl. Then I just seriously was concurrently horny and feared that, if I made her cum she’d breathe fire or some shit.

Wages was groundbreaking for its time. The riffs were equally as catchy as they were heavy, the choruses were anthems in themselves, and the contrasting lead guitar styles of Michael’s wah pedal-drenched Michael Schenker-esque technique and his brother Christopher’s far more shredder-like style put Arch Enemy in a class of its own in the Heavy Metal Underground. But that was 2002.

As time went on, Arch Enemy’s sound turned into a blatant formula, one which staled out at a steady pace. And THAT’S where the problems come in for Jeff Loomis. 

Jeff may have his own playing style that differs from the sound of Arch Enemy; but Jeff’s style is far more dynamic, intense, and diverse. I can only imagine that Jeff joining the band was an objectively great move for both parties: Michael had an EXTRAORDINARY, once-in-a-generation talent in Jeff now, and Jeff had a stable income, which he rightfully deserved. Between the break-up of Nevermore, who never saw their potential met, and releasing two solo albums that were probably just popular to the diehard Nevermore fans, I can only imagine that he might’ve been struggling a bit. There are zero guarantees in underground music, especially since the dawn of downloading.

But talk about a WASTED opportunity? Jeff didn’t have any true creative input at all. He wrote nothing, meaning that Michael is his own worst enemy. And Michael even stated at the time that he was putting a muzzle on Jeff because the band had a formula he wanted to stick to and didn’t want Jeff to potentially steer the band too far away from that formula. If that wasn’t an omen for what Jeff’s time in Arch Enemy might’ve been like, I don’t know what is. Just imagine what Jeff’s input, even if just a little per album, would have done for Arch Enemy in terms of revitalizing the band with a potentially fresher, far more exciting and intense sound. All Michael had to do was be brave enough to step away from his comfort zone just a little and that little bit would’ve made all the difference in the world. 

Michael Amott: The Undisputed King of Stepping On Your Own Dick.

Because that’s what this was. I doubt there was any true behind the scenes drama; but while Jeff had a guaranteed paycheck from a well-established band, he was legitimately being wasted. I actually heard a new Arch Enemy song featuring their current female singer (Angela left years ago and is the band’s manager, but the band sure knows how to stick to a formula!) and it was an absolute chore to listen to. If you’re a musician like me, or at least familiar with both Michael’s and Jeff’s songwriting styles, then you’d know without being told that there’s no way Jeff could’ve written that dribble. 

After CM Punk was fired from AEW earlier this year, the Young Bucks went into the ring after a taping of AEW Collision and like two children, did a victory lap around the ring in celebration of Punk’s firing, in a relatively empty area. Pretty pathetic, as Punk pointed out a year earlier that the Bucks were also stepping on their own dicks, which is currently destroying their own company from the inside. So, was Arch Enemy’s press statement addressing Jeff’s departure Michael’s own proverbial victory lap? Because while Arch Enemy continues to have a built-in fan base, who really gives a shit anymore? I sure don’t, and it’s all because Michael Amott would rather get in his own way than try to make even more money.

Much like the Young Bucks were intimidated by CM Punk and his star power, I have to wonder if Michael Amott was intimidated by Jeff Loomis and his abilities. Even though Arch Enemy CLEARLY outlived Nevermore, who broke up in 2011, could Michael have been nervous that Jeff would’ve stolen the show, challenging Michael to up his own game. Michael is clearly talented in his own right considering he literally invented a subgenre that’s copied ad nauseum to this day; but he’s not the guitarist Jeff is. Not by a longshot! 

Sadly, this is truly the better deal for Jeff as well as Bland Enemy. Bland Enemy can continue making more bland, boring Dad Metal while Michael Amott continues to step on his own dick, and Jeff Loomis can be alive again.

Recommended Listening:

Nevermore – Dreaming Neon Black (1999)

Nevermore – Dead Heart in A Dead World (2000)

Nevermore – Enemies of Reality (2003)

Nevermore – This Godless Endeavor (2005)

Jeff Loomis – Plains of Oblivion (2012)

Last Gig with Vanguard live at Dock St. Bar and Grill, Staten Island, NY, March 25th, 2005

Posted on by Mike

Within a month after my first ever metal band fired me after five more gigs including a Dimebag Darrell tribute show at the now-defunct Don Hills in Manhattan (this was actually our second show a good week after our debut gig), we all managed to stay friends…at least for a few more years. I even tagged along with two of those guys to see Black Label Society, which I just wrote about not too long ago. I even saw their first (and only) gig without me, in which Jon had switched over to my now-former spot as guitarist, and a friend of theirs took over Jon’s position as bassist for a Randy Rhoads tribute show at Dock St (Cock St). I even recall that the band chose “Over the Mountain”, the opener to Diary of a Madman, my favorite Randy-era Ozzy album as their tribute song of choice.

That situation didn’t work out for long, and for reasons I cannot remember. But I do know that while on the phone with Idrees one night, he told me the band had another Dock St show lined up but were potentially going to cancel. Why? All because they didn’t have a second guitarist.

Fucking seriously?

That to me sounded more retarded than when Idrees said he wasn’t going to introduce the songs because he wanted us to sound like we’ve been around for five years. So, that, along with my knowing that it’d be a while before I’d play another gig again while I was putting my own band together, prompted me to volunteer my services for one last gig. The deal was the band would call me ONLY if they exhausted all of their options. Idrees agreed and said the band would talk about it.

I guess they “exhausted” all of their options, because within two days I received a voicemail from Idrees: (Cheesy metal voice) “Vanguard, live at Dock St, one last time, with Mike Alexander! (Back to normal voice) Yeah man, we need you.” So just like that, I was to meet up with them at Fenix Studios for rehearsals. I’d no objections, as Fenix, which is still open today, was far closer to my house than Future Star Studios. But I’d eventually change my mind regarding my opinion on this studio within a year.

We did two rehearsals. At my request, we would cover “South Of Heaven” by Slayer, which would be how we opened our set at the show. Rehearsals were strange, not just because I was nagged into doing a second practice either. Joe Ryder was brought back as the band’s bassist, which was a welcome return, as things had apparently gone very south with Jon. Joe was not a good bassist, but he was significantly easier to be around. “Aren’t things a lot less tense now?”, commented Chad in the middle of that first night. And he was right.

That’s why I found it weird when Jon showed up for the second rehearsal two nights later. If I’m not mistaken, he’d manipulated Joe to believing the band kicked him out, which wasn’t the case at all. I imagine Chad, Idrees and Chris must’ve realized that it was way too close to the night of the show to do anything about it right there, and that the situation would have to be handled after the show. What was more amusing because of this was that Jon wanted to talk to me after the rehearsal. I’d agreed, thinking he was going to make plans to get drunk, as he had this fake ID that was perfectly counterfeited – there was NO WAY anyone could have figured out that this “21 year old” was actually 17! We were going to make plans to do that one night, but I was fired from the band before that could ever happen.

Jon didn’t want to talk about getting drunk, but he sure wanted to try to convince me to rejoin the band. He knew I was trying to put my own thing together, but he was going to try anyway. Chris, who’d previously tried to get me to come back a month earlier, heard the conversation and immediately jumped in, even though he and I both knew he had other plans for Jon. I just stood there, looking at Jon, thinking “if this kid only knew…”.

I don’t remember too much about the night of the show, expect Dock St was hot as balls. As per usual, very few people were there for me. But I did have support via Mike Spennato, aka 80’s Mike, a sucker for all things gay ass hair metal, and Florian, or just “Flo” for short, two colleagues from my college radio station. Mike would actually take the pictures you see on this blog post, and some of them came out pretty cool. Here’s a quick story about 80’s Mike:

As I’ve mentioned in the past, Chris at this point in time was dating the sister of my radio station’s music director, Marissa…who had fantastic titties. I guess there was a bit of a miscommunication between Chris and Marissa, and I’m assuming Chris might’ve heard beforehand that a member of the band he was going to audition for happened to work for the station, prompting Marrisa to tell Chris that the guitar player in question was 80’s Mike – who also happened to be her assistant director of her department, not I. Therefore, Chris, at least for a very short time, was probably waiting for me to break out Poison or some shit. Of course, he then heard me play, causing him to second guess that conversation.

Sometime before our first show Chris finally asked me if I was into hair metal, which was baffling. But as he talked more, I realized what the confusion was, prompting me to laugh as I set the record straight. He had said that as soon as he heard my playing style, he told himself “There’s no way this guy listens to Ratt!” And he’s right. Chris would actually meet 80s Mike a few weeks before I was fired during a gig and he told Mike this story while we were waiting to go on stage.

Because fuck Ratt.

On stage, our first song, as mentioned earlier, was “South of Heaven”. Chad played the intro a little too fast, something I talked to him about during rehearsals. I know he wasn’t a fan of the song, and he looked like he couldn’t wait to get it over with. I took it as a bit of inconsideration for me since I’d volunteered my services that night. The set otherwise was all the usual shit. I’m also pretty sure I went straight home afterwards.

Unless I’m greatly mistaken, the woman seen here taking pictures was Chad’s girlfriend at the time. I completely forgot her name.

Now THIS is a fucking awesome picture. I always made doubles of all my pictures, and this one was so badass that 80’s Mike wanted the double to keep. This reminds me a lot of the very first picture I ever saw of Chuck Schuldiner in the same issue of Guitar World Magazine that announced his tragic death.

Mike Spennato aka 80’s Mike on the right. I have zero recollection of who this fucking guy on the left is.

Left to right: Florian Uchitel (I think that’s how his last name is spelled), 80’s Mike, and that guy whose name I don’t remember.

The Night After

I’m pretty sure I worked that morning. I hung out with Chris and Idrees that night, I at least think Idrees was with us. Chris had fired Jon that morning on AIM, as a result of him driving Joe away before this gig and according to either Chris or Idrees, Jon complained a lot about mistakes everyone made at the show including myself. I found that weird, not just because I was gone for good now, but because mistakes happen all the time when you’re live…unless you’re in some technical Death Metal band where your feet are planted in the same spot for two hours and the only movements you make revolve around circle headbanging. Or the homos from Dream Theater.

Because fuck Dream Theater

The band itself broke up not too long after this, and most likely over the aforementioned second guitarist bullshit. They’d regroup shortly after, only to break up again just as quickly.

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My Take On Metallica’s Being A Band.

Posted on by Mike

https://open.spotify.com/show/4Adxscmvu0LeAWt2xA734l

They’ve got to be kidding…right?

Upon hearing a week ago that Metallica were hosting their own Masterclass series titled Being A Band, I quickly saw just as many eyebrows raised throughout the internet. Nice to know I wasn’t the only one with a brain. Let’s be real: the idea of Metallica teaching ANYONE how to be a band is absolutely laughable. I could give two shits about their legacy, it’s absolutely moot to the purpose of this article.

I just wonder if anyone reading this has actually paid to watch that shit. I can only imagine they’d have no choice but to dwell on their dark past (OTHER than Cliff Burton’s gruesome death in 1986 and James Hetfield entering rehab in 2001) that NO ONE really brings up. So that begs the question: how much of their “advice” is based on the truth? How much more of it is based on a fabricated history? Fuck, Jason Newsted had recently alluded to the fact that there are a “lot of secrets” within Metallica.

That aside, I know better than to watch this shitshow. But I’m here today to bring you my own, homespun, brutally honest interpretation of Being A Band, all for free and all for your displeasure. Let’s go with number 1, shall we??

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  1. Labor For Far Longer Than Necessary Over Song Arrangements

That’s right. Go find a band that’s a major influence on you the way Saxon influenced Lars, watch them beat a song arrangement to death when it probably sounded good after just a few tries, assume that it’s the only way to write songs and prepare for a career chock full of infighting within your band. Do you happen to have a musician in your band that’s a songwriting genius that can just shit out song after song on his own while keeping shit basic? Does your band have the ability to make a QUALITY album in a relatively short amount of time?

Fuck that! Make sure that you ALWAYS have to have a say in EVERYTHING the band does. Make sure you oversee every minute detail of the simplest, four minute single. Makes sure your band practices that song over and over again to the point that, once you finally hit that record button, your deadline for the album is just around the corner. How the fuck could first take magic possibly mean shit when you can take years to write all of ten songs and totally piss of your loyal fan base, as they wait possibly close to a decade before you release that next album? Duh!

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2. Make Sure Your Producer Doubles As A Yoko

You’re inching closer and closer to success with each passing album. You’ve finally hit Platinum status in sales AND you’re even a home owner now. Imagine you and your band jamming away on a fast, probably badass new track as the big name producer your label brought in arrives and hears what you’re playing. His hello to the band is to tell you to stop and play it slower.

Absolutely listen to him and let him know right away that he has control over you and that your balls are safe…in his grip! It won’t seem like that at first, especially since your initial record under his supervision becomes your biggest selling album of ALL TIME, even if it unquestionably divides fans, and leaving some questioning your integrity. Keep that producer for the next several years, as he influences you to explore sonic territory that not only is unnecessary, but alienates whatever ever “back in the day” fans you have left.

Go ahead and let him be considered by the public to be your band’s fifth member (or sixth if your band’s a five piece already). Take him everywhere you go like the little lapdog he is, and he’ll know he doesn’t need to worry about the source of his next pay check. If you lose a band member, let him PLAY on your next album, thus giving him hope that he might even join your band that he helped to completely alter the course of. Let him dominate you like you’re his BDSM dungeon bitch so bad that the stench is strong for decades to…cum.

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3. Overuse Your Wah Wah Pedal To The Point Of Sexual Abuse

Are you the lead guitarist in your band? Did you idolize guitarists that made decent use of their wah pedals the way Kirk Hammett says Michael Schenker is one of the reasons he himself started relying on the wah pedal? Well what the fuck are you waiting for? Stomp that pedal and rock it back and forth uncontrollably and far more often than your idols ever did!

You can’t stand out if your wah pedal use has control and intentional limitations. You need to use your wah pedal on practically EVERY SINGLE SOLO YOU EVER PLAY. Your tone with the wah MUST be insufferable, and you have to sound like you have absolutely no right hand at all.

At all.

Ever.

Not even to jerk off.

4. Grant A Film Crew Unlimited Access To All Of Your Band’s Drama

Did you decide to have a little fun and let the whole world see your band in the middle of recording an album? Did shit not go as planned? Did a band member quit? Did someone go to rehab after years of unchecked abuse that’s still nothing compared to another ex member, whose trips to rehabs surpassed double digits long before your first go at sobriety? Is this person you?

Pay that film crew for the rights to that footage and continue to film away!

Expose your personal business to the entire world. Hire a “performance enhancement” coach known for working with NFL teams, because it doesn’t matter how many business deals you’ve gone through as a band – you can’t handle someone quitting. This coach CANNOT be a licensed psychologist or even a licensed psychotherapist. Treat him like your own, personal security blanket and keep him on your payroll for far longer than any other band in history. Much like your producer (see #2), make HIM so comfortable that he starts trying to write lyrics for your band in the middle of a recording session. The more leeches in your life the better, of course!

Speaking of band members leaving, I saved the most important bit of advice for last.

5. Drive Your Most Loyal Bandmate To Quit

This is the last thing I’ve ever wish on any band. But imagine you lost a band member in a horrific accident ala Cliff Burton. Instead of taking time off to grieve the loss of your comrade in arms, throw yourselves immediately into replacing him before you head overseas to tour. Find yourself your band’s biggest fan.

  • He worships the very bandmember he’s replacing
  • He knows your entire catalog inside and out
  • He’s willing to do anything you want because he doesn’t want to take this chance for granted
  • He’ll sign autographs backstage while your lazy ass is already back at the hotel getting shitfaced

Haze the shit out of him. You want to remind him that he didn’t just waltz into a happy situation; but because neither you or your band ever gave yourselves the time needed to grieve, you can just take out all of your anger on that loyal, new replacement. Prank him backstage, embarrass him onstage. Dictate what and how he plays when recording an album.

Completely shatter his spirit by being the one guy to still haze him even years after everybody else grows up and accepts reality. Condemn him during an interview with a national publication for daring to express his desires to record an album with a decidedly different sounding side band because you’re afraid to lose him, even if you’re still treating him the new kid years after his arrival into your life. And when he requests to hold a meeting with the band to further express his desires for a break because he physically ran himself to the ground for you and your band, show up drunk at 10 in the morning and tell him no, ultimately strengthening his resolve to tell you to he’s gone.

Follow these five easy steps and YOU just might be on your way to a highly successful career in music!

4/28/22 – look below to see the most hilarious fangirl comment I’ve ever seen. It’s dopes, like this who forget that I’m basically speaking opinion here, whose over the top reactions let me know I’m doing my job. Thanks bud!

My First Metal Gig – Vanguard live at Dock Street Bar And Grill, Staten Island, NY February 4th 2005

Posted on by Mike

As I might’ve alluded to in a previous article or two, I joined my first Metal band as a guitarist in 2004.  Previously I’d been a drummer.  But it wasn’t until close to year’s end that we rounded up our line up with a rhythm section, having auditioned these two buffoons in Phrygian Studios in Staten Island.  As far as I know it’s still around…although that might change depending on when this pandemic ends.  THAT was an audition!  A completely inexperienced drummer with no technique, a bassist that knew literally nothing about the bass and WREAKED OF SHIT ALL THE FUCKING TIME, and Chad, my co-guitarist who seemingly forgot how to play anything that day or just didn’t have a care in the world.  More on the that later!

Fast forward to early 2005.  Joe Ryder, our original bassist, while a really nice, quiet guy, was replaced with John Vaynburg, a far more talented bassist – one of only two bassists I ever played with that could nail “The Trooper”, my all time favorite Maiden tune, to the T!  Unfortunately he turned out to be a bit of a princess.  But hey at least he didn’t WREAK OF SHIT ALL THE FUCKING TIME!  Chris, our drummer, slowly began to hold quite an influence on Chad and Idrees’s decision making, thanks to his far more arrogant personality.  And I’d every once and a while be lectured – even by the very drummer who I taught to FINALLY develop independent control of his hands and feet! – in regards to my guitar playing being nowhere near as fluid or as glorious as Chad’s.  Oh sure, Chad certainly did have technique.  But I had tons more feel and attitude.  More on that later.

Around this time, we had a few originals, written mainly by Chad.  I’d brought some stuff to the table but I’d leave the band almost right after they’d started using my shit.  But it was evident that Chad’s music was more in favor because it was more in the Power Metal vein that Chad and Chris were very much into.  Power Metal: GAY.  Idrees’s gay ass cheesy lyrics didn’t help either!  It was hilarious that this is what seemed to be agreed upon when you consider that we were five guys between the ages of 17 and 20 (I was the oldest and the only one in college) that all had individual subgenre favorites.

Idrees, who my own father referred to as “that black kid who thinks he’s white”, was stuck somewhere between 1983 and 1990, and Slayer was his religion, like to the point that it was pathetic.  His “singing”, if you can call it that, was more akin to if Luther Vandross joined Judas Preist.  I still roast him to this day over it.  Chad, while a major Iron Maiden fanatic, also was enamored in all things Steve Vai.  Chris essentially followed Chad’s path, only he became a Power Metal fanatic (although he’d see the light months later).  John’s tastes were closer to mine.  He was very much a Death Metal fan, like I.  He also was a Black Metal fan.  Then there was me, and if you’ve been reading this blog for the last five years then you already know I only listen to the good shit.  And it reflected in my playing, especially my lead playing, sloppy as it might’ve been at the time.  I wanted to be the bastard child of Mustaine in his prime and Zakk Wylde.  While Chad played prissy lead fills, I was the guy that just ripped on his Body Art Series B.C. Rich Bich.

The Ballad Of Dock St Bar And Grill

As the title of this rant should suggest, this gig was on Staten Island.  I might as well admit that I’m actually from Staten Island.  Trust me, I’m not proud of it.  Where to begin?  Well, for the sake of this article anyway, the music scene, at least at this time, could only be described in one word: LAME.  Due to the Island’s isolation from the other four boroughs in New York City, along with some fucking morons blindly wearing that isolation with pride, there was nothing really exciting to talk about.  There’s a reason why Chris would eventually look outside the island for people to play with.

The local Metal scene had very few decent bands.  Dethroned, Enthralled and especially Into The Dementia come to mind (not the biggest Prog Metal fan but fuck me could Anthony sing!).  Whiny Pop Punk was very popular.  Rap was and will forever be a big deal on Staten Island, primarily because Wu Tang are from there.  And by the way, if you’re reading this, are a grown adult around my age living in Staten Island, and still refer to it as “Shaolin”, you should probably be shot in the throat.  Five times.  But the tried and true money maker, as I’d later discover?  Cover bands.  So in a nutshell, Staten Island was, and probably still is boring.

By the way, just so we’re clear: Fuck the Wu Tang Clan and anybody that looks like them.

Dock St had been around for decades.  I’d actually played there numerous times during my senior year of high school in 2001 and 2002 with my previous band.  Aside from Cock St, there hadn’t been many venues for bands to play in that I knew of, especially in the case of bands where only one of us was BARELY under 21.  Fuck, Dock St alone had gone through countless management changes both before I ever even played there and especially long after I’d stopped going there.  I hated it.  It was small, I didn’t like that the booker, who I’d known for a few years, was a grown man befriending the kids, and it was just boring to me.  If you’re a grown man hanging out with teenagers, you’re creepy.

Gig Night

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Inside the shithole that was Dock St.  In the middle, starting from the left: Chris Dickinson (yeah, that Chris Dickinson), Chad Cresante, John Vaynburg.  Bottom: Idrees Williams

Unlike most of the bandmates I’ve played with over the years, I never got nervous or anxious before a gig.  This was no different.  But I was very tired, and very annoyed when Chris called me while I was home napping before the show, wanting to know where I was.  When I told him I was home resting before the gig because you know, I had work early in the morning and then class afterwards, he had the nerve to tell me to get down there as soon as possible as if it was his band.  Of course I ignored him and did my own thing.  I heard the anxiety in his voice.  This was his first band and hey, I was 16 when I did my first shows.  But a word of advice to you anxious musicians out there: there’s NO NEED TO PANIC BEFORE A FUCKING GIG.  JUST GET THE SAND OUT OF YOUR PUSSIES AND YOU’LL BE JUST FINE.

My mom, of all people, came to the gig.  I warned her not to, for she was going to see a side of me she’d wish she never saw.  The band were going to see a side of me they didn’t think they’d see either.  More on that later.  I do remember seeing some teenager with a water bottle.  He asked me if a wanted a swig before going onstage, revealing that the water was actually whiskey.  How could I say no?  I walked up on stage decked out in all black.  I had on a Death t-shirt that I actually still have, black jeans, black boots, a biker watch and a chain around my neck, ready to show these idiots who the real star was…after someone told me he wanted to have sex with my guitar.

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We opened up with a song called “Death Knell” (and here we go with the gay ass song titles!), after Idrees refused to introduce the band  because we needed “to sound like we’ve been around for five years”.  He actually said that.  To this day he claims he meant that as a joke; but he seemed way too serious for that to be a joke.  As soon as the tempo picked up I spread my legs as far apart as they would go and began banging my head as aggressively as I could without my glasses falling off.  I spat into the audience, my eyes popped out of my head as I was ripping through solos.

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Then I opened up my mouth.  There were a lot more people at the show then I imagined there would be.  Very few of them were there for me but the crowd were so into it that a former friend of mine decided to guard my mom, who according to him claimed she was going to beat up the first person who bumped into her.  Well, she didn’t stay around much longer.  After the second or third song, I took the mic from Idrees, looked toward Chad’s emo looking friends and yelled out “…and remember kids, emo is for pussies!”.

We went on to play a few more cheesy titled original tracks along with covers of “Aces High” (where I played the part of Adrian Smith) and “Peace Sells…But Who’s Buying” (where I played the part of Dave, of course!).  Chad was probably the one guy who had no life to him during this show…or any of the shows we played together.  Looking at some of the pictures that were taken he appeared to just have some arrogant smirk on his face, as if he was already bored because even his own music wasn’t challenging enough for him.  It was the same smirk he had the afternoon we auditioned Chris and Joe Ryder just three months earlier.  Kids, when you don’t know how to just have fun at your FIRST GIG, you’ll never have fun.

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Doing my best Adrian Smith impression, playing his solo in “Aces High”.

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Final song of the night, “Fear Is Eternal”.  See what I mean about these gay song titles??

As I walked off the stage, the first thing I noticed was my mom was gone and I right away assumed it was because I singled out the emo kids the way I did.  I did stay for the last band, Whole In One.  They were a Pop Punk band, however I was friends with Ralph, their drummer.  I’m almost positive I left after them and joined the band for food afterwards at Mike’s Place in New Dorp Lane.

I arrived home late that night to a call on my cell phone as I was walking upstairs.  It was these two possibly drunk whores prank calling me.  Upon asking them how they got my number and who they were they were rambling a lot, prompting me to hang up.  They called back, asking me why I hung up, prompting me to threaten their lives.  They then left a hilarious voicemail claiming I never had sex, which was pretty funny since I lost my virginity at 18; and that I apparently suck because I like Iron Maiden.  That was a actually an amusing little chuckle to end my night.

The Day After

While eating oatmeal before I left for work early the next morning, mom slowly walked into the kitchen to finally give me a piece of her “mind”, as it were.  She was so pitiful, reflecting back in such dramatic fashion, on her view of me after seeing and hearing me in front of a live mic.  She confirmed, like the drama queen she always was and still is, that she did in fact walk right out the moment she heard me call out those kids.  “You were better in Fallout”, she angrily told me before walking back into her bedroom.  Fallout was my high school band, in which I played drums.  Therefore I’ve no doubt that her last remark to me was her way of telling me things were better when I couldn’t get to a mic so easily.  She’d never see me play live again.

Later that night, I picked up Idrees to go hang out at Chris’s house.  Chris’s attention, for the most part was aimed directly at me.  Why?  Remember when I said I was going to show a side of me the band never saw before?  Well, he sure as fuck didn’t know what to make of my performance even 24 hours later.  When I asked him what the big deal was he commented that he’d seen me with my feet planted together at virtually every band rehearsal leading up to the gig, seemingly having no life in me.  I tricked them all to the point where Chris got a tad giddy as he told Idrees and I “you both are like my fuckin’ Thrash Metal icons man!”.  Mission complete.

Inside the house was the guy that recorded our show to watch.  And apparently he was emo, because he immediately pleaded with me to not do what I did on the mic ever again because I sounded like an asshole.  I think he later on went home and cried as he fingered his pussy while blasting his favorite Bright Eyes album.  Mission accomplished!

Dear Shit Stain

Posted on by Mike

Dear Shit Stain,

Let’s be clear, I’ll only be referring to you as Shit Stain for the entirety of this open letter
that maybe you’ll read, maybe you won’t.  Because that’s what you are: a massive shit stain on life.  And speaking of life, I’m honestly STILL trying to wrap my head around the fact that you’re still alive twelve years after the whole world discovered that you’re nothing more than a piece of shit, and that’s all you’ll EVER be.   Why hasn’t anyone tried to do to you what you did to those fucking dogs since then??

“I guess $100 million is too much money, eh?”  Those are the words my then lead singer muttered in my car while on the way to band practice just one night after the news broke that your dumb ass was arrested for running Bad Newz Kennels, a dogfighting ring in Virginia which was most likely funded by that 6 Year $100 million NFL salary of yours.  Ever so slowly did the horrid details of what you and your ghetto trash friends pulled while in business come to light.  Here are a few details for those who might somehow be clueless:

  • You and your buddies hung three dogs in April 2007, after they under performed in a “rolling session”, which determines the dogs’ readiness to fight.
  • You, according to the U.S. Department Of Agriculture, placed family pet dogs into your ring with trained pitbulls, who obviously “caused major injuries” to them.
  • You electrocuted injured dogs who lost their fights
  • There were times were neither you or you’re piece of shit buddies wouldn’t feed your dogs in order to make them “more hungry for the other dog”.
  • Aside from hanging whichever dogs lost their fights, you also would drown, strangle, shoot, or even SLAM THEM REPEATEDLY UNTIL THEY DIED.

That’s all I’ll mention, as listing all that made me want to break my new laptop, since I can’t be there to break your skull.  So it astonishes me that, after your absolutely bullshit apology, you were even brought back to the NFL after you did what you did.  I can’t believe any team would be so willing to take you on.  In fact, it’s one of the reasons why I can never truly respect the Philadelphia Eagles ever again.  Oh sure, they DESTROYED the New England Patriots two Superbowls ago (by which point of course you were long gone, thankfully); but you see Shit Stain, I’m a man of principles.  And as far as I’m concerned, any team that was willing to take you on regardless of your abilities, has zero standards in my book.

So when I found out a few weeks ago the you of all people were appointed to be the Honorary Team Captain in this coming year’s Pro Bowl, I had to laugh.  I laughed even harder when I read Roger Goodell’s bullshit defense of you.  Because let’s face it Shit Stain, and I know I’m not the only one who believes this to be fact: you’re not sorry, nor were you ever sorry for what you did.  Like most jackass politicians who say they’re sorry for cheating on their wives because once they’re in office those said wives won’t fuck them anymore, you’re only sorry because, thanks to your moron cousin’s drug bust, you were caught.  And ruined.  But hey, if pretending to actually give a shit when you involve yourself with animal rights causes in good for business, then I guess Goodell will happily bite, even when deep down he’s knows involving your dumb ass in anything is just wrong.  And if you ever read this Roger, you’re a spineless, dickless little cunt, willing to give up ANY integrity you might’ve had, and all for the sake of ratings.

So while most of us don’t want to even hear your name anymore, let alone watch you on TV in a month (although I know I WON’T be watching), I know what I’d like to see.  Do you want to be in our good graces for real, Shit Stain?  Why don’t you allow us, the fans, the opportunity to electrocute you, whip you, rip your lips off, slam your ass down to the ground multiple times until your bones break, and shoot you when it’s all over – you know, like you and your shithead friends did years ago – live on NBC?  That to me, would bring in some incredible, record breaking ratings.  That dumb fuck Goodell would jizz all over himself once the numbers came in!  But that’ll sadly never happen, because you’re a gutless, dickless fucking coward.

I’m surprised your wife will even fuck you with that microscopic dick of yours.  I refuse to believe you can get hard enough, to penetrate her, to get even the smallest amount of sperm into her so you could even have kids.  So, if I were you, I’d get a DNA test done on your kids because I have a feeling they might be anyone else’s but yours.  Did you understand that?  Was that broken down for you in English that you could understand, you Virginia trash cocksucker?  All of us with a brain hate you and want you to die in a manner that outdoes even the ways you torture those dogs.

So I hope I clarified for you, you worthless fuck, what it’d take for you to get any kind of real respect ever again.  And by the way, if you were to agree to do any thing like that I’d actually donate money to any animal rights charity of your choice.  And I might have to chip in for your funeral too!  Because most of us would be excited to do nothing more than to take a baseball bat and cave your skull in to the point that your brains splattered farther than a fucking grenade blowing up in the middle of a jello factory.  So fuck you, fuck your family, fuck anyone that had anything to do with you, and fuck anybody that looks like you!

My Sources:

https://www.espn.com/nfl/news/story?id=3718304

https://www.foxnews.com/story/gruesome-details-in-indictment-naming-nfl-quarterback-michael-vick-in-dogfighting-case

https://www.cnn.com/2019/12/12/us/michael-vick-pro-bowl-roger-goodell-spt-trnd/index.html

Social Media:

https://www.facebook.com/confessionsofanangrymetalhead

https://www.instagram.com/confessionsofanangrymetalhead/

https://confessionsofanangrymetalhead.tumblr.com/

Random Thoughts

Posted on by Mike

All Hail The Race Card!

Image result for lisa maria falcone

I’m so disinterested in the things rich celebrities say or do that I had no clue who the fuck Lisa Marie Falcone, with her surgically implanted cheeks…or her piano playing pig, even was until last week.  I also learned that her style of entitlement and ignorance apparently isn’t just for white people anymore either.  Long story boring, her billionaire dipshit husband, Phil Falcone is facing a lawsuit for unpaid wages by former employee, chef Brian Villanueva.

But wait!  Here’s the fun part.  According to Villanueva, here’s what Lisa Maria Falcone had to say about his girlfriend, also a chef, during a dinner party which included Lisa’s supposed best friend Alicia Keys and her husband Swizz Beatz: “Your girlfriend speaks very well. She seems educated. I would describe her as a chocolate-covered marshmallow”.  When asked what the fuck that meant, an arrogant Falcone told Villanueva: “Alicia (Keys) doesn’t speak that way. She didn’t have an education and was just discovered by (record producer) Clive Davis when she was 15 years old. Swizz (Beatz) definitely doesn’t speak that way either.”

Oh, did you think we were finished?  When Falcone finally took notice that her chef just…maybe…was a tad offended, she continued by asking Villanueva: “Do you use the word ‘n—a’ at home with your girlfriend?  I’m Puerto Rican and grew up in Spanish Harlem so I can speak like that.  You’re not ethnic like black people and Puerto Rican people. You’re only a minority.  Talk to my black friends. They will tell you that I am not racist.”

So many things I can say here and so little time.

The Race Card.  Such a classic way to justify ignorance, especially with celebrities and rich folk.  Former Alabama Governor George Wallace, who once claimed: “In the name of the greatest people that have ever trod this earth, I draw the line in the dust and toss the gauntlet before the feet of tyranny, and I say segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever.”, had the nerve decades later to say in a 2000 documentary on his life that he wasn’t racist and tried to justify it by bring out an elderly black man and saying this man was his best friend.

No, dickhead.  No.

Knowing, or being close friends with one or two people who happen to be of a different ethnicity to you can never justify calling out his/her race in any way.  My oldest friend of thirty years, and literally THE best friend I ever had, is black.  But I also know that if I were to go off on some crazy racist tirade and justify it by saying that my oldest friend is black, he still wouldn’t think twice of putting the kibosh on what we have.  Because he’s not stupid.  And in that same side of things, Lisa Marie Falcone, you ignorant, spoiled cunt, being a Puerto Rican from Spanish Harlem doesn’t justify you singling out anyone – especially when there’s so much money to be taken from you when you – and especially your tax dodging husband – keep fucking up.  Go you!  Jackass!

The Politics Of Hypocrisy

Image result for Michael Bloomberg

“I always believed that leadership involves listening and reading and respecting diverse viewpoints and acknowledging when you didn’t get them right. Over time, I’ve come to understand something that I long struggled to admit to myself: I got something important wrong. I got something important really wrong.

I didn’t understand that back then the full impact that stops were having on the black and Latino communities. I was totally focused on saving lives. But, as we know, good intentions aren’t good enough.
Now, hindsight is 20/20. But, as crime continued to come down as we reduced stops, and as it continued to come down during the next administration, to its credit, I now see that we could and should have acted sooner, and acted faster, to cut the stops. I wish we had and I’m sorry that we didn’t. But I can’t change history. However, today, I want you to know that I realize back then I was wrong and I’m sorry.”
These were former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s words regarding the Stop And Frisk policy just a few days ago.
I’m not one to ever discuss politics on this blog, or ever, really.  And I won’t even get into it now.  But let’s talk about why he’s even apologizing.  Does he truly mean it?  Let’s see…now’s the time to get on the band wagon with every other Democrat hoping to be the next year’s Presidential front runner so….I’m going to go with hell fuck no!  For those of you not in the know, Bloomberg, a life long Democrat switch sides just so he could run for office.
On the outside his views could switch at the drop of a hat.  But on the inside it was different.  As a native New Yorker, and a city worker, I won’t hesitate to say he spent way too much time micro managing the city as if it was his famous corporation.  Also, I directly blame him for the gentrification of the city post 9/11, causing rent to increase across the board, ultimately marking the beginning of the gradual demise of most mom and pop businesses in the city, and also forcing tenants out of their homes and on to the streets.
So with that in mind, is he really sorry that his take on crime and punishment might just be what caused the rift between minority groups and the NYPD, a rift that’s just as strong today as it was when Stop And Frisk was in effect?  Or is the businessman in him just looking to get that much coveted minority vote?  Me?  I’d say some snakes just never change their stripes.  Politics.  The fun just never stops.
My Makeshift Email To My Hypothetical Employees
To anyone who might be new to this site, I work full time in education.  Quite a trip.  For every few students that will work their hardest and always make you smile, there’ll always be that one psycho trying to stab you with a pencil.  Or worse!
So, I receive e-mails from my school’s Assistant Principal every Sunday morning.  Here’s an example of her introductory paragraph:
“Happy Sunday all.  I hope that you are enjoying your weekend.  I had to go out of town this weekend so as I am in the passenger side of the car, riding, I am thinking about what happened this week at work, the mounds of paperwork that need to be done, and what I need to get for Thanksgiving and suddenly, I just look out the window.  We are driving over a bridge and I am just staring out the window intently.  My husband looks over at me and says, “I know that look, you have an idea”.  And I say, “this bridge has me thinking of P.S. ##(don’t think for a second I was going to let you fuckers know where I work!)”.  Have you looked at the characteristics of a bridge.  They have barriers on both sides for your protection.  It serves as a means to get to the other side.”…and so on and so forth, blah blah blah…
I like my Assistant Principal a lot.  I really do.  But let’s face it, this shit is as phony as it gets.  I totally understand what she’s trying to achieve with this dribble.  But does she really expect us to believe she was looking at a bridge, or watching some TV show, or playing some sport and was suddenly inspired to find a correlation between that and the school?  Fuck no!
But it led me think about what I’d do if I was in her position and wanted to stay close with my hypothetical staff.  Would I write a weekly blog like this?  And if I did, what the fuck would I do to at least try to keep it real?  I wonder…
Good Morning!  I hope everyone did something this weekend to improve their overall mental and emotional health in order to begin yet another productive, fulfilling week here.  Let’s be real, that could be a lot of things.  And so long as I don’t see it, I could give two fucks what you do.  Do you drink a fifth of vodka on a Friday night and pick a fight with a random stranger?  Pick up a few hookers to relieve some…tension?  Attend some “parties”?  Perhaps you punch a few walls in your garage?  Who cares?  If it makes you feel fresh and recharged by the time you come back here on Monday morning, as the famous, decades old Nike slogan says – just do it! 
So, my own weekend wasn’t so exciting.  Ran out of beer and was too lazy (and exhausted from dealing with all of your students since no one seems to be able to handle them!) to go out and get more, wasn’t able to hit that 400lb squat in the gym and BOTH my fuck buddies were sick.  What the fuck are the chances of THAT happening?  So, with nowhere else to turn to, I broke out the laptop and watched an old clip from the favorites section of my YouPorn account!  In a clip entitled “Man, His Wife, And The Babysitter”, the wife walks in on his husband….well…getting sucked off by the babysitter.  Well, duh! 
Long story boring, the wife decides to take control of the situation by forcing the now guilt stricken babysitter to continue sucking her husband off, ultimately taking turns fucking this guy that, in any REAL situation would never be this lucky.  And of course, wifey, the betrayal still fresh in her mind, waits until he’s good and spent before declaring “I want a divorce!”, as she storms out of her soon to be ex’s office.  
This whole situation got me to thinking of our school, its trials and tribulations, its many ups and downs (no not THOSE ups and downs!),who’s backstabbing and betraying who, and feelings among each other as a staff and as a family.  You don’t need to be told that we won’t always agree with each other’s ideas and approaches on helping our students succeed.  In fact, I’m almost positive some of you ICT teachers in particular are ready to just KILL each other after ten months of conflicting personalities, approaches, intrusions such as teacher assistants and cluster teachers changing preps on you.  But if three people can have super hot sex in the most awkward of times, with the older wife showing the younger, greener babysitter how it’s done, then I fail to see how we as a staff cannot get through the most awkward of moments by simply taking the raw emotion out of a situation.
For ten months out of the year we need to set an example to these impressionable, young scholars.  What example do you think we set if we fight in front of them?  What sense of authority or even stability are we providing if, for 6 and a half measly hours per day, we can’t keep it together?  Of course, this is not to say break out into having sex if you have to show your co-teacher “how it’s done”…but if you do just make sure it’s in a closet somewhere and take pictures!  😉  It’s time for me to go clean myself off.  But I’ll leave you with this before I go: just ride it out until June and on that last day, in the same way that pissed off wife declared she wanted a divorce, you can tell you co-teacher to go fuck him/herself and ride off into the sunset until September…only to begin the whole process all over again.  See you all tomorrow!
Respectfully Yours,
Your Angry Metalhead Principal
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